Rating Stephen King's Bibliography

I gave this a shot once before. [1]  But I'm giving it another go.  Albeit in a shorter per item format that's different from my usual set-up.

I'm going to have short, one or two line reviews of everything thing the King has ever done.  Adding new things as I read them.

As previously noted elsewhere, I started working my way through King's canon late in 2016.

1974

Carrie: Telekinetic girl gets teased until she snaps and runs rampant.  Simply amazing.  To think this is a first book makes it even more so.  It's tense in all the right places. Read this one multiple times.

Carrie: A

1975

Salem's Lot: Vampires invade small town.  Things go poorly for the town.  Great ensemble cast.  Fantastic writing really fleshing out the town.  Classic vampire story from classic King.

Salem's Lot: A

1977

The Shining: Alcoholic plus family locked for winter in haunted hotel in the mountains.  Creepy as all get out.  Alcoholic changes which side he's on.  Danny in the playground is downright terrifying.

The Shining: A

Rage: The first Bachman book.  Insane teenager takes high school hostage.  Lots of explaining.  Sort of a Catcher in the Rye but Holden goes off the deep end.  Not so great.

Rage: C+ [2]

1978

The Stand: Plague kills most of world.  Good and evil battle it out using the people left alive.  Really long, but worth it.  The beginning is amazing.  The end is amazing.  Some of the middle's a bit long.

The Stand: A-

Night Shift: King's first collection of short stories.  Some of them are insanely good.  A few not so much.  Highlights: Last Rung on the Ladder, Man Who Loved Flowers, One For the Road, etc, etc.

Night Shift: B+

1979

The Long Walk: Second Bachman Book.  Kids walk in a competition where stopping means death.  Twisted and yet believable.  You'd think it would plod along, but it avoids that pretty well.

The Long Walk: A

The Dead Zone: Smith can see future.  Reluctantly uses power to save lives and stop killer. Realizes he's got to stop a megalomaniacal politician from destroying world, but at what cost?

The Dead Zone: A

1980

Firestarter: Test experiments on Mom and Dad lead to girl who can start fires.  Government agency tries to capture and control her.  Not too smart.  Starts to drag in the motives.  A sentimental favorite.

Firestarter: B-

1981

Roadwork: Bachman number 3.  Man despairs over progress.  Ruins his own life to spite the world.  Takes about as long to read this as it would to pave a road a road by hand.  Spend your time on the road.

Roadwork: F

Cujo: Series of bad choices and dumb luck allows a rabid Saint Bernard to trap a woman and child in a broken car.  Also somehow a commentary on women who feel/are trapped in their lives.

Cujo: B+

Danse Macabre: Non-fiction. King's commentary on horror in movies, radio, books and the like.  I really need to read the updated version.  Good insight from someone who knows the field well.

Danse Macabre: B

1982

The Running Man: Bachman number 4.  Man living in dystopia signs up for game show where he is hunted.  Great idea.  Well done in parts.  The ending isn't great.  The hero isn't so heroic.

The Running Man: B-

The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger: Roland begins his journey to stop the Man in Black.  More like a series of vignettes than a continuous story.  Didn't really like the first time I read it.  I was wrong.

The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger: A-

Different Seasons: Four novellas in one book.  They are:

Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption: Innocent man ends up in prison.  Survives until he can escape.  Amazing.  'nuff said.

Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption: A+

Apt Pupil: Boy discovers Nazi lives nearby.  Forces Nazi to tell tales. Both become twisted by it.  My memory of this was worse than the read.  Well written, but not something I will seek out again.

Apt Pupil: B-

The Body: The novel that inspire the movie Stand By Me.  Boys set out to see a dead body.  Their experiences along the way shape them more than they could have expected.

The Body: A-

The Breathing Method: Tales told in a gentlemen's club about a woman who gives birth even though she's essentially dead.  More of a long short story, but well worth the read.

The Breathing Method: A

Creepshow: A comic book collection of the stories that were made into the movie by the same name.  The stories are pulpy horror that succeed in being exactly what they aim to be an homage to the type of horror comics King read growing up.  But that doesn't make them necessarily all that good.

Creepshow: C-

1983

Christine: Boy loves car.  Boy loves girl.  Car comes alive.  Lots of people die.  But it takes a long [reading] time to travel the distance and the journey's kind of boring at times.

Christine: C+

Pet Semetary: Indian burial ground brings things back from the dead.  Doesn't work great with the cat.  What could go wrong if we do it to the toddler?  Lots.  A few dead spots but overall great.

Pet Semetary: A-

Cycle of the Werewolf: Quick story told over the course of 12 monthly installments about a werewolf coming to town.  Too short to have bad parts.  Good enough you wish there was more.

Cycle of the Werewolf: B-

1984

The Talisman (Co-wrote with Peter Straub): Boy travels the country to save his mother and a world connected to our own.  Evil twins in both worlds try to stop him.  Co-written with Peter Straub.

The Talisman: A-

Thinner: Bachman book 5. Gypsy curses fat man to slowly wither away to nothing.  Can he resolve things before he fades away?  The ending seams cheap after the journey.

Thinner: A

The Bachman Books: A collection of the first four Bachman books.  Look above for their individual grades. (Rage, The Long Walk, Roadwork, Running Man)

Skeleton Crew: Kings second collection of short stories.  Overall not as good as Night Shift, but still plenty of amazingly good stuff in here.  Highlights include: The Mist, Mrs. Todd's Shortcut, The Jaunt, The Raft, Word Processor of the Gods, Survivor Type.

Skeleton Crew: B  (fwiw, The Mist and Mrs. Todd's Shortcut are A+)

1986

It: A book about Pennywise the killer clown killing off kids in Derry Maine.  Only Pennywise isn't really a clown (and for that matter isn't really named Pennywise).  Also, the book is really about a group of misfit kids coming to terms with the reality of growing up and dealing with their own problems.  Any way you want to call it, this is a great book.

It: A+

1987

The Dark Tower: The Drawing of the Three: Second book in the Dark Tower series.  Roland gathers a group of three people to join him on his quest.  The book starts out rough for Roland and only gets worse.

The Dark Tower: The Drawing of the Three: A

Misery: Annie Wilkes is Paul Sheldon's number one fan.  She's also crazy and has him trapped in her house.  A page turner from jump this is probably my favorite King book of all time.

Misery: A++

The Tommyknockers: Bobbi Anderson finds a buried UFO.  The more of it that gets uncovered the better the aliens inside can control the nearby townsfolk.  Sounds like a great premise but this book becomes a serious slog.

The Tommyknockers: C

1988

Bare Bones - Conversations on Terror:  A collection of interviews with King from a variety of magazines and other places.  If you are into King they are interesting enough, but I suspect most people would probably get tired of them long before they finish the book.

Bare Bones - Conversations on Terror: B-

Nightmares in the Sky: Non-fiction collection of photographs of gargoyles taken by f-stop Fitzgerald.  King writes the long introduction. Not something you need to read, but interesting enough.  Not going to give this one a grade.

1989

The Dark Half: What if the pseudonym you wrote under became it's own separate entity.  What if it was trying to kill you?  Dark and grim story about just that.  King exercises his Bachman demons?

The Dark Half: B+

1990

The Stand: Reviewed above (under 1978), but 1990 was when the uncut version was released.

Four Past Midnight: Another collection of four novellas.  I'm reading this one right now.  Or at least I was when I wrote this.  They are:

The Langoliers: An airplane slips through a crack in reality.  Can the survivors get back to the real world?

The Langoliers: B-

Secret Window, Secret Garden: Maine Author gets accused of plagiarism by a strange man from Mississippi.  The truth of what is going on is thinly veiled and easily guessed.  The ending takes a ninety degree turn that both almost saves and almost ruins the story.

Secret Window, Secret Garden: C+

The Library Policeman: Don't forget to turn in your overdue books or the Library Policeman might have to come and get you. 

The Library Policeman: B

1991

The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands: Roland, Susannah and Eddie are together, but they still need Jake.  Once they get Jake, they lose Jake.  They get Jake again and now a train is trying to kill Jake (and everyone else as well.)

The Dark Tower: The Waste Lands: A

Needful Things: Curiousity shop opens in a small town.  The proprietor is an agent of evil who sells the town just what it needs.  The only cost is your soul.

Needful Things: A

1992

Gerald's Game: Woman ends up handcuffed to a bed, without nobody around for miles to hear her.

Gerald's Game: A+

Dolores Claiborne: Set as a long narrative by a woman who's tired of hiding her secrets, like what did happen to her husband?

Dolores Claiborne: A

1993

Nightmares & Dreamscapes: 24 more short stories from King.  Highlights include: The End of the Whole Mess, The Night Flier, and Sorry, Right Number, plus more.

Nightmares & Dreamscapes: B+

1994

Insomnia: Question: What happens when you don't sleep for a long time.  Answer: You start seeing things.  But maybe the things you are seeing are real and maybe seeing them will give you the knowledge to save important people.

Insomnia: B-

Mid-life Confidential: The Rock Bottom Remainders Tour America with Three Chords and an Attitude: True stories about what happens when several people with a lot of talent in writing decide to take their much smaller amount of talent as a band on the road.

Mid-life Confidential: B-

1995

Rose Madder: Woman gets away from her psychotic husband and tries to live a new life.  Too bad for her , the psycho husband is a cop who can track her down.  Too bad for him she's not the timid mouse she used to be.

Rose Madder: A-

1996

The Green Mile: A tale about the guards and convicts on death row.  Including one who has a magical power to heal.  

The Green Mile: A

Desperation: What if you been arrested by a cop from a very small town in Arizona?  What if he is actually being possessed by an ancient evil?  Also what happens when an author and his pseudonym write books at the same time?

Desperation: B+

Regulators (Written as Richard Bachman): What happens when the characters from a kids TV show come to life and start killing everyone on the block?  Also what happens when an author and his pseudonym write books at the same time?

Regulators: B-

1997

The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass: Two stories told at the same time.  In the present Roland and the others continue their travels.  In the past, we learn of Roland's adventures as a new gunslinger and the discovery of a plot to aid the enemy.

The Dark Tower: Wizard and Glass: A

1998

Bag of Bones: A writer moves into his cabin by the lake only to find it is haunted by some spirits that are only slightly nicer than some of the nearby neighbors.

Bag of Bones: B-

1999

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon: Young girl gets lost in the Great North Woods.  Can she survive or will whatever else is out there in the woods with her get her first?

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon: A+

Hearts in Atlantis: Five stories of differing lengths.  The longest is essentially a novel, the shortest is a very short, short story.  All a loosely stitched together by the characters involved. 

Hearts in Atlantis: A

Storm of the Century: The script for the TV mini-series of the same name.  Evil holds an island town hostage.  It's price?  Either one of the kids or all of the kids.

Storm of the Century: B+

2000

On Writing: A book about the craft of writing from someone who's done quite a lot of it.

On Writing: A

2001

Dreamcatcher: An alien invasion starting near a hunting cabin in the woods.  Four friends may be all that stands between the aliens and humanity.  Or maybe not?

Dreamcatcher: B-

Black House: The sequel to the Talisman finds our hero older and dealing with murders caused by a serial killer or are they being done by a haunted house?

Black House: A-

From a Buick 8: What looks like a car is actually a dimensional portal to a place where stuff isn't as nice as the cops who are tasked with watching over it.

From a Buick 8: B

2002

Everything's Eventual: 14 short stories by King.  Several good stories but any deficiencies in them is blown away by the amazing 1408.

Everything's Eventual: A-

2003

The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla: The Ka-Tet has to defend a town whose children are regularly taken by an unknown enemy.

The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla: B+

2004

The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah: Everyone comes to the "real" world to deal with various issues.  Some are protecting the Rose.  Others are protecting the author.  And Susannah's gonna have a baby.

The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah: A-

The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower: The Ka-Tet finally finishes its journey and get to the tower.  Well they get to the tower anyway.

The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower: A-

Faithful (Written with Stuart O'Nan): Two die-hard Red Sox fans chronicle a year of ball games.  As fate would have it, the book has a very happy ending.

Faithful: B-

2005

The Colorado Kid: Maine locals discuss a cold case in which a man was found dead on the beach.

The Colorado Kid: A

2006

Cell: What if cell phones could be used to take control of the mind of anyone who answers the call?  A journey of those who didn't answer.

Cell: B+

Lisey's Story: Widow of a famous writer discovers that her dead husband was dealing with a lot more than just crazy fans.  Only now she has to deal with the crazy fans too.

Lisey's Story: A

2007

Blaze (Written as Richard Backman): Gangster type with some mental handicaps tries to continue a life of crime after his best friend dies.  Things go about as you'd expect.

Blaze: A-

Duma Key: Ex-construction company owner has to deal with the aftermath of being run over by a crane.  Perhaps painting is the key to health, or perhaps it's just a doorway for an ancient evil to escape its prison.

Duma Key: A-

2008

Just After Sunset: 13 short stories from King.  Highlights include: Graduation Afternoon, N, and A Very Tight Place

Just After Sunset: A-

2009

Under the Dome: Small town is trapped under an invisible dome.  Survival is less a matter of food and more a matter of trying to stop the crazy politician from killing everyone.

Under the Dome: A

2017

Gwendy's Button Box (Co-written with Richard Chizmar): A short story about a girl who is given a magic box that will give you whatever you want, but at a pretty steep price.  Also a return to Castle Rock.  A tight story well told.

Gwendy's Button Box: A

Sleeping Beauties (Co-written with Owen King): The women are all falling asleep and not waking up.  The men are left to their own devices.  Testosterone takes charge.  Not a horror book.  Wants to be more of an adventure story combined with a  psychological look at the nature of the sexes.  Mostly succeeds.

Sleeping Beauties: B-

2018

The Outsider: How can a man be murdering a boy at the exact same time he is at a convention many miles away.  King's take on a doppelganger.

The Outsider: B

Elevation: Short story sold as a novella.  Scott Carey is slowly losing weight but not body mass.  Though really the story is about his interaction with other folks in Castle Rock with the weight loss stuff as a side story.  This probably would have been better received if it had been in a collection of short stories and not trying to survive on its own.  The ending just seems monumentally naive to me.

Elevation: B-

2019

The Institute: Uprising by the people being used as guinea pigs in a strange secret laboratory.

The Institute: B+

2020

If It Bleeds: Four Novellas by King.  

Mr. Harrigan's Phone: What if you started getting calls from a cell phone buried with an old man?

Mr. Harrigan's Phone: A-

The Life of Chuck: Story of a man who's life is ending, but told out of sequence.  

The Life of Chuck: B+

If It Bleeds: The return of Holly Gibney.  Holly uncovers another 'outsider' and has to deal with it.

If It Bleeds: A-

Rat: Author with writer's block makes a deal with a rat.  

Rat: B

2021

Later: School kid can talk to dead people.  A cop uses him to save her job.  Things go south from there.

Later: B+

Billy Summers: Hitman takes a case to kill some bad folks, ends up helping a girl with problems of her own.

Billy Summers: B+

2022

Gwendy's Final Task (Written with Richard Chizmar): Gwendy's given a final task to save the world.  The world doesn't end, but the story does weakly.

Gwendy's Final Task: C+

Fairy Tale: Boy helps out old neighbor and finds out there's a portal to another world hidden in the shed.  Can he help save that world?

Fairy Tale: B+

[1] - You can read my attempts HERE, HERE and HERE.  Better efforts are done by the Loser's Club.

[2] - I don't hate this as much as some.  I think if you read it with the mindset that a lot of what Charlie thinks he's seeing on the faces or in the minds of others is just as much a creation of his derangement as his actions and reasons for what he's doing, the book is pretty good.

New Paradigm for Economic Systems

 

If you study basic economics, you will learn that there are 4 economic systems: traditional, free market, command and mixed.  Without getting too bogged down in the details here’s a quick rundown of them.

A traditional economy is one that places a huge priority on tradition and customs.  They are uninterested in innovation and growth and are more concerned with keeping things the same. 

A free market economy is one in which there is no outside control on what you do.  You are 100% free to decide what you want to do with your time, money, resources, possession and anything else.

A command economy is the opposite of that.  You have no freedom to decide.  Every decision is made by some form of central authority, probably the government. They control everything.

A mixed economy lies between a free market and a command economy with some freedom to decide and some control by an authority.

Three of the four lay on a nice, simple spectrum.   We have free markets on one side, command on the other and mixed in the middle.  

Traditional economies sit off to the side.  Because of their unwillingness to engage in other markets and their insular nature, they can often be effectively ignored.

It seems a pretty simple system.  Except it has always nagged me that traditional economies are sitting off on their own like some sort of unwanted leftover.  It makes things not so pretty or simple.

I don’t want to digress into a long discussion on political ideologies, but bear with me for a second. 

A lot of people look at political ideologies in a similar way.  We have a nice precise spectrum.  Liberals on the left, conservatives on the right, and the moderates are in the middle.  

Instead of a line, a better diagram is a diamond.  Because there isn’t just one axis.  The left-right axis is still liberal and conservative, but there’s a second axis with libertarians at the top and big government or statists at the bottom.  It looks like this.

This isn’t a post about government ideology, so I’m not going to into it any more than that.  If you’ve never seen this before, search a bit on the internet.  It’s easy to find.  The point is that what seems to a lot of people to be a spectrum on a line, actually exists on a plane.

Okay, back to econ.

What if there’s a second axis for economic spectrums? 

What if traditional economies are not some weird outlier that don’t mesh with the others, but are just another cardinal point?  What if instead of a line, the diagram for economic systems should also look like this?

The question then becomes, what goes opposite traditional economies?

The definition of a traditional economy says it is a system in which tradition and custom are most important.  They aren’t interested in innovation, but instead in continuing on doing things the same way they have always been done.

Perhaps then a working definition for the opposite would be an economy that is constantly looking for new ways to replace the outmoded.  In which a tradition, custom or method only lasts as long as it is useful.  An economy in which we are always seeking a better alternative and once it is found we abandon the old.

Except that doesn’t take it far enough.

I’m sure there are some who will disagree, but the optimal spots on both the political ideology diagram and the economic systems diagram are not in the corners.

An economy with 100% government control or 100% freedom is not desirable.  There are huge negatives to both.  Instead we want something in between.  There’s a lot of ground in the definition of a mixed economy, and we can argue about just how far to the left or right of center is optimal, but mixed is where we want to be.

Similarly, nobody wants to be all the way in the corner of traditional.  In truth, there are no true free markets or true command economies.  Every economy has at least some government control and everywhere has at least a small amount of freedom.  Similarly, I doubt there are any true traditional economies out there either. 

But if we use the working definition we just created of what lies opposite traditional and place that in the opposite corner, I can not only envision such an economic system, I can see it working.  It looks like a solid plan.  The problem with our working definition of what lies opposite traditional is that it’s too perfect.  If it was the opposite corner, everyone would want to be there.

Given all that, it seems the opposite would need to be an economy in which we favor innovation to the extreme.  It would be an economy in which doing things the same way would be discouraged.  Tradition, custom and old methods would have no value. 

In fact, doing things the same way twice would be discouraged.

“No economy could work like that!” you declare.  “It couldn’t sustain itself.”

Exactly.

There are no true free markets or command economies because in the long run they don’t work.  They can’t sustain themselves.  Somewhere in the middle is best.

There are no true traditional economies either.  Thus there also wouldn’t be a true opposite of traditional in existence either.  The ideal is somewhere in the middle.

Thus the opposite corner has to be the Novel Economy.  The economy in which new is best and old is always bad.

I was tempted to call this opposite corner an innovative economy.  But that won’t work.  Innovation implies making things better.  This economy wouldn’t be worried about making things better, it would be worried about making things different and new.

Sometimes new is better.  But sometimes the old way is the better way.

Thus our diagram should look like this:

The left-right axis is the personal freedom axis.  The further left you go, the more freedom you have and the less control anyone else (including the government) has on you.  The further right you go, the less freedom you have and the more control someone else (probably the government) has on you.

The up-down axis is the change axis.  The further up you go, the more you are concerned with keeping things the same and the less you want to find something new.  The further down you go, the less you are concerned with keeping things the same and the more important creating change becomes.

The best spot will be somewhere in the middle.  Closer to the mixed zone in the center.  How far off the center and in which direction is the best is something we can argue about. 

Challenged to Post, "Without Comment"

[It's been a minute since I wrote something here, but I thought I'd put this out there so I could easily reference it later should it become needed.]

Someone has challenged you over the next X days to post on some media platform pictures of:

 - Your favorite albums of all time.

 - The movies that were most influential on you.

 - The books could you read over and over.

 - The [some way of pretending to get random things] photo(s) on your phone. [1]

 - The food you blah blah blah . . . 

 - The place(s) you would yadda yadda yadda . . .

 - etc, etc, etc.

Let's be clear, I'm not opposed to these sorts of things.  I most likely am interested in what you might have to share.  After all, the reason we are ostensibly friends on whatever social media platform this is occurring on is because we both chose to be.  Thus, I probably care some amount about you and am interested at least on some level about who you are, what you care about, and other parts of you life.

But here's the supposed kicker, you have to post them, "without comment".  

Though I'm probably reading more dramatic emphasis into it than is really there, I always imagine it more like:

"I was challenged to post this, WITHOUT COMMENT!"  [Dum, dum, dummmmmmm!] [2]

But the question is, why?

Why wouldn't you comment?  What point is there to the whole thing if you don't comment?

Oh, here's some photo that seems important . . .

 . . .but I've no idea why.

Hey look, they like a movie that 90% of people like . . . 

 . . .  what a non-surprise.

They've read that famous book . . . 

. . . that millions of other people have read too.  

Complete non-shocker, and honestly, I don't care.

Of course if you were to comment then suddenly I do care.  Because now I know that the reason you picked that photo was because of [something meaningful and/or interesting].

Or maybe it wasn't.  Maybe you just like the way you look in that photo.  Or you just want to show the world your cute kid(s).

Maybe you just like that movie because of that one fight scene.  Or that one line.  Or because of that hot actor/actress is in it.  

And I suspect that's one of the real reasons people are so pleased to post "without comment".  Because they have nothing to say beyond, "I liked this."  Because their 10 things are completely banal and in truth uninteresting. 

A second reason is probably that after posting and commenting on 1 picture of their kid/dog/self/whatever that fulfills the requirement of this supposed challenge, they would really have nothing left to say on days 2 through 10.

A third reason, and most likely to most applicable is that people are lazy.

So, before I wrap this up.  Let me actually challenge you.

The next time someone "challenges" you to post pictures of whatever "without comment", I challenge you to completely ignore the lets 'o', 'u' and 't' in the word "without" and to post them WITH comments.

Because let's be honest.  One of the main reasons you accepted this "challenge" is that you were hoping people will think the things you picked are cool/interesting/say something about you, and/or that you want people to talk with you about it.  

There's nothing wrong with that, so skip the hoping someone will take the lame bait of a pic with no comments and start the conversation yourself.  

I for one will be way more likely to: 

 - pay attention

 - think about what you've posted for more than half a second

 - post a comment

And if the person who challenged you complains about your changing the rules, just reply to them with a link to this post.

Challenged to Post "Without Comment": D-

[1] - This is "Pretending to be random" because: A) if the randomly selected picture isn't something you want others to see; or B) isn't cool enough; or C) you really want to pick some other picture, we all know your just going to pick whatever you want.

[2] - That's a bad attempt at dramatic sounding music.

Oreo The Most Stuf

Oreo The Most Stuf:

I had heard that these were coming out a several months ago and was intrigued.  The Boys love them some Oreos [1].  The Bish in particular loves the creme.  There has been more than one occasion in which I've entered the kitchen to find six slightly damp outer cookies from an Oreo licked clean of all traces of their insides laying abandoned on the table.

So when I was at Target the other day and I saw the Most Stuf's at the end of the register, I figured I owed it to them [2] to buy a pack.

When I got home as I unbagged my loot, Jude was close by.  He was immediately as intrigued as I was, so I knew I'd made the right decision.  We opened the package and each tried one.

If you haven't seen these yet, they are just your standard Oreo crammed with an extreme amount of filling.  If you look at them, you can see the individual levels of creme from several cookies laid on top of each other.  Some of them look pretty clearly like they have three levels of creme.  Though others look like they must have four.

Your standard Oreo has about 53 calories per cookie.
A Double Stuft cookie has about 70.
The Most Stuf have 110 calories per cookie.

If you wondered if you could ever have too much Oreo creme in your cookie, the answer is a definitive 'yes'.

Most of the creme ends up gooshing [3] out from between the outer cookies.  Not that it matters, because you can't really taste the cookie part at all.  It's just a lot of creme.

A LOT OF CREME

Not terribly long later I was sitting at my computer and I noticed that my teeth hurt.  Yes, that's right, the Most Stuf cookies made my teeth hurt.  I'm not sure if that means they are too much or I've gotten old [4], but I do know that I won't be eating another one. [5]

For what it's worth, Jude declined to have a second one.

When the Bish saw the package he laughed out loud in glee [6].  I'm sure if I let him he would plow through the whole package in one sitting.   Limiting him to two at a time, he's still managed to polish off over half the package so far. [7]

Oreo The Most Stuf: C

[1] - But then again Oreo is the best selling cookie in the world, so we could probably take that as a given.
[2] - I swear I did it for them alone.
[3] - Technical industry term.
[4] - That's a lie, I'm totally sure that they are too much.
[5] - By which I mean a third one, because I totally ate two the first time.  Science.
[6] - And I mean that literally.  He actually laughed out loud in glee.
[7] - Don't judge, he's got baby teeth.  They're going to fall out anyway.

Freddy's Frozen Custard & Steakburgers

Freddy's Frozen Custard & Steakburgers:  Every since they opened up a location near my work, I have been itching to go eat at Freddy's.  Today I finally managed to do it.

Early inquiries to others that had already been there generally garnered responses that were something akin to: "It's a lot like Steak & Shake."

It's not.

I personally find Steak & Shakes burgers to be pretty mediocre.  So much so that on the rare occasion that I do end up at a Steak & Shake, I don't order one. [1]

Freddy's burgers are nothing like Steak & Shakes.  Which isn't to say that they are better (or worse really) but more to say that they are a completely different brand of mediocre.

The meat in my burger had been smooshed so thin as to be essentially non-existent.  I didn't pay attention to exact amount of meat promised me, but whatever amount it was they got every millimeter of surface area out of that they could.  Much like the picture on the menu promises, the meat did hang over the edges of the bun by a substantial amount.  I'd rather they had taken that extra inch in circumference and added back onto the burger proper.

The fries at Freddy's were very similar to S&S.  Personally I am not a fan of shoestring fries.  So, I didn't find them to be that enticing, but if you do like ultra thin fries, these seemed to be of a serviceable variety.

Near the counter where you pick up your food, they had dispensers of "Freddy's Fry Sauce".  It is a vaguely pink/orange color that tasted to me like mayonnaise with a very small amount of ketchup in it.  Much less ketchup than your typical "special sauce" or thousand island dressing.  So it was really kind of just mayonnaise.  Which was okay.  But then again I like mayonnaise a lot.  However, it certainly wasn't anything that I need to rush out and get again.

I opted to switch out my drink for a shake made with their much touted frozen custard.  I got the chocolate variety.  When it first arrived, it was so thick that even the straw provided was insufficient to get any of it to my mouth.  And that is saying something as the straw they give you is nearly half an inch wide. [2]  A half hour later, after my meal, when I got back to my place of work, it was just starting to be drinkable.

The ultra-thickness of the shake was not itself necessarily a negative.  I'm fine with eating my shake by using the straw like a spoon if needed.  But the flavor was again, nothing to right home about.  It was completely ordinary.  Which given the rest of the meal was what I thought might save the entire Freddy's experience.  Because let's be honest, the real reason you go to Steak & Shake is the shakes.

The atmosphere at the restaurant wasn't great.  Nobody looked like they were having a good time or enjoying themselves.  This includes the employees and the patrons. [3]

As for the price, it was pretty high.  I got the number 1 combo, swapping a shake for the coke and it cost nearly $12.  For $12 I could have gone to Cheeseburger Bobby's and had a fantastic burger, great fries, a drink and a shake/sundae that was superior as well.

Freddy's slogan is "The taste that brings you back."

Not likely. [4]

Freddy's Frozen Custard & Steakburgers: C-

[1] - I often get a patty melt.
[2] - And yes, I measured it.
[3] - It was kind of like what I imagine the waiting room to purgatory is like.
[4] - Alternate ended to this post:  Freddy's slogan is "The taste that brings you back."   Add the words "to Cheeseburger Bobby's" to that and it's true.

The Loser's Club

The Loser's Club:

My three favorite authors in no specific order are: Dick Francis, Nick Hornby and Stephen King [1]  I own everything that they've ever written. [2] Moreover, I've read all of it too. [3]  That isn't really saying much for Hornby, he's not written that much.  Francis has written tons [4] but they are light, quick and enjoyable reads that you can finish in a day or two.  But this post isn't about them, it's about King (sort of).

King has written a TON of books. [5] And no they are not all "horror" novels. [6] A few are light and quick.  A few are dense and long.  Most live somewhere in between.  About a year ago or so [7] I decided to reread all of my King books in the order that they were written. [8]  I was also going to post about it on the way.  You can read the initial post here.  And here are my posts on Carrie and Salem's Lot.

It was at that point that my dedication to posting sort of died. [9]

But it is not where my reading stopped.  Currently I just finished Thinner and am taking a break before I read Skeleton Crew to read Sleeping Beauties. [10]

I know you dedicated readers of this blog [11] were real sorry that happened.  But have no fear!  Enter The Loser's Club: A Stephen King Podcast by Consequence of Sound.

Like some sort of divine serendipity, this podcast began in January of this year.  Filling the immense void left by my failings.  In essence it is a podcast doing what I set out to do, but doing it much, much better than I ever could. They started at Carrie and have been working their way forward.  There 33rd episode just reviewed The Running Man.  And in a near future episode they will get to the Gunslinger.

The basic layout of the podcast changed a bit since the beginning, but here is how it currently works.  There is an episode every Friday, but the format alternates between two types.  Every other week there is an in depth discussion, review and analysis of a Stephen King work.  And on the in between weeks there is a look at what is going on in the real world as it relates to King.

The King centered episodes usually involve talking about King's tweets, news about upcoming movies, books, TV shows and the like that are King related and sometimes answering questions from listeners. [12]  Book episodes have segments on how the novel was written, looking at specific characters, discussing the gory bits, discussing the salacious bits [13], looking at how this novel fits in and connects to the greater King Universe and reviewing any adaptations of the work. [14]

If that sounds like a lot for one podcast.  It is.  But it is awesome.

One of the things that sometimes bugs me about podcasts and TV/radio discussion/interview shows is that you know that you only have a set amount of time.  You know the show is limited to 30 minutes or an hour and you really want to hear person X talk about whatever it is the interview is about.  But then things get off on a tangent and while the tangent might be super interesting.  This is what's going on in my world:

Host: I'd really like to talk some more about that great new [THING] you have out.  But first, didn't I hear somewhere that you got a new puppy?
Guest: Yeah.  She's great.  She's a mix of a . . . .
Me: There's only five minutes left!  Stop talking about the puppy!  Talk about the [THING]!  AAAARRRGGGHHH!!! [15]

The point is you do not have to worry about that with this podcast.  If they want to go off on a tangent and talk about puppies.  Have no fear, there is still plenty of time to get back to King.   Plenty of time. Seriously.  Their current record is the second episode on The Stand [16] which is nearly four hours long.  And it was all worth it.

I hope they never change.

There are six or so different hosts, but in the current set-up only three or four at a time are on any one episode. I could spend time talking about each, but if you are wondering what kind of people spend hours talking about Stephen King and if you've bothered to read this far into this post and are still interested, the answer is that they are just like you and me. [17]

So far my only real concern with the podcast is the fear that they will quit making it before they get to the end. [18]

To sum up:

If you like Stephen King.
If you REALLY LIKE Stephen King.
And listening to people talk about his work sounds interesting to you.
You are doing yourself a disservice if you don't start listening to this podcast immediately.

It's great.

The end.

The Loser's Club: A+ [19]

Sweater nubbins.

[1] - There are days when I should really say four favorites and add Michael Chabon to that list, but this evidently isn't one of those days.
[2] - With a couple very esoteric exceptions.
[3] - With a couple of rare exceptions.
[4] - For the record I am including the books by Felix Francis in this grouping.
[5] - The Interwebs says 56 novels, six nonfiction books and several short story collections that contain most of his over 200 published short stories.  And when I say Interwebs, I mean Wikipedia.
[6] - Saying Stephen King is a horror writer is like saying Michael Chrichton is a dinosaur writer.  Except that sounds stupid.  But you get the idea.
[7] - I don't really remember and I don't care to figure it out, just accept that it was late in 2016.
[8] - Don't judge.
[9] - And when I say "sort of", I don't mean sort of at all.  I mean it died.  Shriveled up and faded away like Tad Trenton and no movie adaptation is going to save it.  (There's a King reference for all the real fans.)
[10] - For the record, I'm not just reading King.
[11] - Consisting of my wife and some blogbot in Russia evidently.
[12] - With other random tidbits thrown in for goodness.
[13] - Pound Cake!
[14] - Plus more random goodness.
[15] - Okay maybe I've over dramatized that, but you get the idea.

[16] - To further prove the point, they spent four episodes on just The Stand.  It was great.

[17] - Complete nerds.
[18] - Should that day come, it will be a sad sad day in my life.
[19] - Honestly, I actually get excited every time I realize it is Friday and there's a new episode out.  (Don't judge.) (Also 19.)

Arby's Buffalo Chicken Sandwich

Arby's Buffalo Chicken Sandwich: 

Arby's has a buffalo chicken sandwich and I have a quest to find the best spicy chicken sandwich in the world. [1]  Thus there was nothing I could do except head out to the land of America's Roast Beef [2] and not order roast beef.

When I was young, McDonald's had a McChicken Sandwich that I loved. [3]  This was before they offered Chicken McNuggets. [4]  The patty on the sandwich was coated in the same goodness that the McNugget would later get.  In fact if you took the McNugget that is generally round shaped [5] and increased its size and thickness proportionately until it was bun sized you would pretty much have it exactly.  You had to be very careful when you ate it because if it had just come out of the fryer [6] you were very likely to burn the ever-lovin' out of your tongue or to scald off the roof of your mouth. [7]

Though Arby's chicken sandwiches [8] as shown on the posters in the store look all bumpy and textured so as to make you think they might have actually come straight off some chicken's breast, the one I got was as flat as a pancake and bore a more than striking resemblance to that old McChicken patty.

Somewhere behind the counter they must have a vat of buffalo sauce and when you order the sandwich they much drop your selection in said vat and let it swim around for a minute or two. Which is just a really wordy way of saying that the patty on my sandwich was drenched and dripping in buffalo sauce.  Something, that when I initially saw it, I thought was a good thing.

The bun was different than Arby's usual bun, but if there was a taste difference to it, I couldn't tell you about it. [9]  There was also the obligatory smattering of shredded lettuce and some kind of white sauce.  The website says it is: "Parmesan Peppercorn Ranch Sauce".  I do remember there being one bite where for the briefest of moments I tasted something other than buffalo sauce, but the memory, like the flavor, is fleeting.

Honestly the whole thing tasted just fine.  It wasn't that spicy, but if you like buffalo sauce [10] this sandwich has it in spades.  Which is really where the problem lies.

My original intention was to eat the sandwich as I drove to my next destination.  I had purchased my food inside [11] and I'd opened the carton on my lap in preparation of heading on.  I was preparing to take my first bite before putting the car in reverse when the literal slipperiness of the situation became evident.

Remember, we have a flat as a pancake chicken patty slathered in an ocean of buffalo sauce with only a few shreds of lettuce and tiny dollop of white sauce to slow it down. [12]

In one bite my hand's (both of 'em) were covered in sauce.  That's because you have to use both hands to keep the patty from escaping the bun.  Take one hand off to get a napkin and that sucker is out of there like a greased pig flinging lettuce shreds as it moves. [13]

When I finished, there was enough sauce in the carton that I could have covered my potato cakes in them as well. [14]  It took two napkins and two baby wipes to get my hands close to clean.

This is not a sandwich to be eaten in a moving vehicle.

In the end it's too messy and not spicy enough for me to ever care to order it again.  [15]

Arby's Buffalo Chicken Sandwich: B-

[1] - You can read about it here.
[2] - Yes, Sir!
[3] - Yes, I know that they still have a McChicken sandwich, but the thing has gone through so many incarnations and reinventions that they are probably on the McChicken Mark XXII at this point.
[4] - There's a story that goes with this, but while this is the place, this isn't the time.
[5] - You were aware that all McNuggets come in one of three shapes weren't you?
[6] - Oh yes, it was cooked in the same grease as the french fries.  I told you it was good, didn't I?
[7] - You might be wondering what all this has to do with Arby's.  I'll get there.  I promise.
[8] - See, told you I'd get there.
[9] -  A lake of buffalo sauce defeats the subtle nuances of bread variations.
[10] - And if you don't, then why in the world did you order this sandwich?
[11] - The line at the drive through was ridiculously long.  Also the planet appreciates it when you turn the car off instead of idling.
[12] - I've never seen a buffalo sauce Slip 'n Slide, but I'm pretty sure I know exactly what it would look like.
[13] - This analogy has gotten a bit weird.
[14] - If I hadn't already eaten them first.  What? Did you think I was a savage?
[15] - Chick-Fil-A's Spicy Chicken Sandwich still reigns supreme.

Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts

Frosted Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts:

Several months ago I happened to be surfing around the Interwebs and I came across a page talking about the next year's upcoming new Pop-Tart flavors.  Though I haven't mentioned it much, I eat quite a lot of Pop-Tarts [1]   Needless to say, I was quite excited.

Amongst the new flavors was the subject of this blog: Frosted Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts.

I was immediately both completely intrigued and terrified.   This had the potential to be something mind-blowingly delicious or completely disgusting.

I couldn't wait to try them.

Fast forward through the holiday season [2] and into the new year and much to my joy and chagrin there they were on the shelf at my local Publix.  I immediately snatched up a box with glee.

When I showed them to the Pook, she declared without hesitation that it sounded disgusting and that she would not be trying them.  The Bear and the Bean both declined any future tastings as well.

At this point my expectations were running a bit high.  I wanted this to either be the most amazing or most disgusting thing I'd eaten in forever. [3]

If they were going to be good, I imagined them tasting mostly like maple candy.  A strong, sweet syrupy taste that would be delightful and in the background, not too strong, but strong enough not to be missed, would be a smoky bacon flavor.

If they were going to be bad, it would make me want to vomit.

Either way would have been fine with me.

A few days later on Monday morning, I was driving to work with the package on the seat beside me ready to be consumed. [4]

The minute you open a pack your immediate area is completely filled with the overpowering smell of maple.  Okay, to be more specific I should say the overpowering smell of fake maple scent.  But it smelled good!  My stomach growled in excitement.  My brain gave up its last reservation and got on board.

I pulled a tart from the pouch and took a bite.

Sadly the strong fake maple scent is as close to anything maple that these breakfast treats [5] have to offer.

It's hard to say exacctly what they taste like.  They're a bit like a cookie, but not really a sweet cookie.  Nevertheless they also taste a bit like sugar, but not that sugary.  Sort of cake-y but not.  They're kind of like those cookies your grandmother used to give you that when you were done eating left you thinking, "Why did I bother?"

Which is to say that the initial flavor of the Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts didn't offend me, but they didn't excite me either.  The first flavor was completely and totally, 'meh'.

But then once you've swallowed and the food is out of your mouth, the second wave of FAKE BACON FLAVOR comes crashing onto your pallet. [6]

Imagine a bottle of stale Bacos.

Now imagine it being worse than that.

Now take it two steps further.

You're just about there.

The first problem here is that this is not a flavor that goes with breakfast.

The second problem is that it tastes bad.

Okay.  You're right.  The first problem is the bad taste.  It's all moot from there.

And then after a few seconds, that flavor is gone too and you're left with an empty mouth, an empty heart and most of the rest of a Maple Bacon Pop-Tart to choke down.

After a few more experimental nibbles, I discovered that if you just ate the thing continuously without stop, you never give the FAKE BACON FLAVOR a chance to come crashing down on you.  That is, until you finish the pop-tart and then all of it comes hammering on your brain in an ultra-concentrated wave of BAD.

Deciding only half a breakfast was better than continuing on, I declined to eat the second tart in the pouch.

A few days later I gave away the rest of the box to a bunch of teenagers.  They mostly agreed with me.

Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts: D+

[1] - Don't judge me.
[2] - Gingerbread Pop-Tarts ftw
[3] - Possibly since those Mussels.
[4] - I had to wait for Monday.  Saturdays and Sundays are reserved for cereal!
[5] - Maybe calling it a "treat" is going a bit too far.
[6] - The ALL CAPS is intentional.  Because that's how this flavor is.  It's in all-caps as it demands your attention.

Holiday Police Blotter

Holiday Police Blotter:

 “Dispatch this Delta 25.  I’m at the scene now.”

“Roger, Delta 25.  What’s the situation?”

“It looks like an 11-81.  Nothing too serious.  The vehicle collided with a snow drift and got upsot.”

“Come again, Delta 25.  Did you say ‘upsot’?”

“That’s correct dispatch.”

“Do you need an ambulance?”

“It doesn’t appear so.  The passenger, one Fannie Bright, reports minor injuries.  The driver appears unhurt.  I suspect intoxication is the cause.”

“Did you administer a field sobriety test?”

“No, but witnesses report the vehicle was moving at a high rate of speed.  Several described it as ‘dashing’.  They also report the driver as laughing the entire time.”

“Roger, Delta 25.  What’s your recommendation?”

“I’m going to bring the driver in.  The passenger will need a taxi.  Also, we may want animal services to look at the horse.  It seems a bit thin to me.  Possible abuse and mistreatment.”

“I’m sorry.  Did you say, horse?”

“Roger, dispatch.”

----------

“911.  Please state your emergency.”

“There are people here trying to rob me.”

“Ma’am, are there intruders in your house right now?”

“No, not in my house.  They are on my front lawn.”

“How many people is it?”

“About eight.”

“You say these people tried to rob you?”

“Yes.  They keep yelling at me and demanding that I give them things.”

“What sorts of things are they demanding?”

“Food mostly.  Something made with figs, I think.”

“Did you tell them to leave?”

“Yes, several times.  But they insist they won’t leave until I get them what they want.”

“Okay, ma’am.  Sit tight.  An officer will be with you shortly.”

-----------

“Unit 5, this is Walter.  I’m at the intersection of fourth and main.  Are you in the area?”

“Roger that, Walter.  I’m a few blocks away on the square.  How can I help you?”

“I’m going to need help apprehending a suspect and a vehicle to transport him once he’s in custody.” 

“Are we gonna need additional back-up?”

“I don’t think so.  So far he seems harmless.  Mostly just disturbing the peace and public indecency.  Also jaywalking.”

“Jaywalking?”

“Roger.  I’m actually on traffic detail.  This character came running through here like he’s got a death wish.  I hollered for him to stop, but he ignored me and ran into traffic.  He’s lucky he didn’t get hit.”

“Can’t you just ticket him and send him on his way?”

“Don’t forget about the public indecency.  He’s actually naked.”

“Did you say naked?  As in no clothing?”

“I guess he’s not technically 100% naked.  He’s wearing what looks like an old top hat.  Also, though it isn’t actually clothing, he’s carrying a broom stick.”

“Did you try to apprehend him?”

“Yes.  He’s rather fast.  He keeps slipping by me yelling, ‘catch me if you can’.”

“Okay, I’m in route.  Just out of curiosity, what color is this guy?”

“Oh, he’s white.  Real pale.  I think he probably avoids the sun.”

-----------

"Hi.  I’m Officer Brynner.  How can I help you?"

"I need to get a restraining order.  Is this where I do that?"

"Yes, Ma’am.  Sit here and let me get some information from you.  What’s the name of the person you need to get the restraining order against?"

"Honestly, I’m not sure.  He goes by Nick, but he seems to go by a lot of different names.  I think Nick is short for Nicholas but he’s not from around here.  It might actually be Niklaus or something like that."

"That’s all you have?  No last name?"

"Sorry."

"Niklaus, sounds Russian or Slavic.  Is that where he’s from?"

"I don’t know.  He doesn’t look like a foreigner.  But I think I remember someone saying something about him coming from somewhere up north."

"That’s not really a lot to go on.  But we’ll come back to that later.  Let’s focus on why you need the restraining order.  What’s happened?"

"Well, honestly he’s been stalking me."

"That’s pretty serious.  Tell me some of the details."

"He says that he’s watching me all the time.  When I’m sleeping.  When I’m awake.  Frankly, it’s kind of creepy."

"Is he in your house?  Or are there cameras?"

"I don’t think he’s in my house.  Though he does seem to be able to get into and out of places with ease.  Doesn’t matter if the doors are locked or not.  I don’t know how he does it.  Maybe it’s magic."

"So you’re saying he’s some kind of burglar?  Has he threatened you?"

"Not directly.  He keeps saying he’s judging me.  If I don’t live up to his standards there’s going to be consequences."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Oh for years.  Since I was a kid."

"For years!? Why have you waited so long to come forward?"

"I was afraid.  He’s warned me in the past about complaining or crying out.  If I do he’ll come back to town."

"So he’s not in town now?  Do you know where we can locate this man?"

"No.  But I do know that he’s coming back to town sometime in the early winter."

"If you can’t give us a name, perhaps you can give us a physical description or work with a sketch artist."

"Actually, I’ve never seen him."

"Ma’am, I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but are you sure this person is real?"

"Oh definitely, my parents told me he was."

---------------

“Unit 12, this is Central.  Do you copy? Over.”

.  .  .

“Unit 12, are you there? Over.”

.  .  .

“Unit 12?”

“This is Unit 12.  Sorry, it’s hard to hear over all the noise here.

“Are you at the site of the Motel 6 disturbance?”

“I am at the location, but it’s not actually at the Motel 6.  It’s located by the barn behind it.”

“Roger that.  What’s your status.  How can we help you?”

“There’s quite a crowd gathered.  I’m going to need back up.”

“Additional units will be dispatched.  Do you need a paddy wagon?”

“I’m not sure at this point.  There are quite a few people here, but it’s relatively peaceful.  Mostly I need help just sorting out what’s going on.”

“Roger that Unit 12.  How big of a crowd are we talking?”

“I’d guess it to be over 200.”

“Come again.  Did you say over 200?”

“That’s right.  Of course that’s not counting all of the animals.”

“How many animals? Do you need animal control?”

“Quite a few actually.  Though I think most of the sheep came with the shepherds.”

“Unit 12 are you saying that in addition to a flock of sheep there are more animals?”

“Central, that’s correct.  There are some goats.  Some horses.  A couple cows in the barn.  I haven’t counted them, but I can hear them lowing.  There are some donkeys, including one with unusually long ears.  There’s quite a few smaller things as well: some mice, some birds up in the rafters . . . an owl I think, a badger, rabbits, other field animals, a few cats and dogs and the like, maybe even a fox.  And there are also the camels.”

“Was that camels?”

“Yes, I think they were brought here by the three foreign guys.”

“Foreign guys?  Do you need a translator?”

“Probably, but I don’t know what language they speak.  They seem to have come from far away and based on the gold and spices they are carrying they seem rather wealthy.  Also, I don’t know why, but I’d characterize them as wise.”

“Six shepherds and three foreign men are quite a long way from over 200.”

“There’s also the little girl with the rose and the little boy playing the drums.”

“It’s the middle of the night, are their parents there, Unit 12?”

“I don’t think so.  We probably need child services as well.  Also an ambulance.”

“Is one of the children hurt?”

“No, there’s a newborn that needs to be taken in and checked out.”

“An unattended newborn?”

“Sorry, no the mother is here.  We’ll need a bus for her as well.  Based upon the conversation and what I saw in the straw, I think she just gave birth.  It’s a bit of a mess in there. So, a hazardous materials clean up team isn’t out of the question. There’s also an adult male.  But there seems to be some confusion over whether or not he’s the father.  ”

“I make that a total of 15 people.  Who else is there?”

“Well, there are a whole lot of other people singing.”

“Come again, Unit 12. How many?”

“I’m not sure.  Lot’s.  I’d call it a host really.  They’re hard to count.  As I said they are all singing and milling about.  It almost looks like they’re flying at times.  I think they’re excited about the baby.  Also there may be an aerial unit in the area already.  Anyway, something is in the sky shining a spotlight on us.  It’s adding to the confusion.  Honestly I’m not sure but I think I saw three ships, a submarine and a baseball team as well.”

“Unit 12, you understand there are no harbors in the city?”

“Yeah. Okay. I must be mistaken on that one.

“Okay Unit 12.  Dispatching to your location: additional units for crowd control, animal control, child services, a translator and a protocol officer for the foreign dignitaries, an ambulance for newborn and mother, a hazardous materials cleanup team and just to be safe the fire department, a paddy wagon and a field psychiatrist too.  Will that cover it?”

Copyright SBaumann 2015

Zooey vs Darius

A Very She & Him Christmas (2011) vs Darius Rucker: Home For The Holidays [1] (2014):

I acquired both of these albums very recently [2] and I guess in the interest of full disclosure I should reveal that I haven't actually finished listening to the Darius Rucker CD yet. [3]

A Very She & Him Christmas is what some might call minimalist.  There's Zooey Deschanel and there's Matt Ward and there are the smallest number of instruments possible on every song.  The instruments are played softly, the songs are sung low and the whole thing proceeds at a pace that would make a turtle say, "Dude, that's kind of slow." [4]

Nevertheless the CD is very enjoyable.  Again, if you are looking for something to sing or dance to at your Christmas get together this is not the disc for you.  However if you want something to play in the background while you're wrapping presents or having a romantic date during the holiday season you need look no further.

Some of the reviews I read online said that they found Zooey's singing flat, emotionless or just plain bad.  But I suspect those people were missing the point.  She isn't trying to set new holiday cheer world records, nor is she trying to out sing previous performers or the instruments.  The entire thing is meant to be slow, low and dreamy.

One song of note is their version of Baby It's Cold Outside.  In an interesting twist, they switched the roles and she sings part usually sung by the guy.  It worked well for me.  The Pook said she liked it better than most other versions of the song. [5]

A Very Hootie Christmas is exactly what you expect it to be.  It's Hootie.  He's singing your favorite Christmas songs [6] in a way that sounds exactly like Hootie singing Christmas songs.  He's got that resonant deep voice.  The music is grand and full.  This is exactly the CD you want playing in the background at a Christmas party.  It's great.

A Very She & Him Christmas (2011):  B+

Darius Rucker: Home For the Holidays [1] (2014): A


[1] - A.K.A. - A Very Hootie Christmas
[2] - "Acquired" meaning bought on Amazon and "recently" meaning yesterday.
[3] - Of course that isn't going to stop me from grading it.
[4] - What?  Everyone knows turtles are kind of hip in an old school way and say things like "dude" all the time.
[5] - But then again the Pook hates that song.  She calls it the "date rape song".
[6] - Including Baby It's Cold Outside.  Sorry Pook.

Serendipity

Serendipity (2001):

Serendipity: a fortunate coincidence.

Serendipity: a movie starring John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale.

The premise of this movie is a little far fetched, but intentionally so.  Two people meet by accident, spend a few hours together and then part to go back to their individual lives.  But because they feel like there might be more to this meeting than it seems and at the same time don't want to read too much into what might really be nothing, they leave it in fate's hands.  She writes her name and number in a book and sells the book to a used bookstore.  He writes his name and number on the back of a five dollar bill, which then gets spent on a pack of mints.  If they were meant to be together, the book will find its way back to him and the fiver will end up back with her.

The movie continues with an unforgettable series of almost connections and near misses between the two. So much so that in another movie you would be hard pressed to accept them.  But since the premise of this movie is that fate might just be tinkering in people's lives, in this case it works wonderfully.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there is something compelling and wonderful about the whole thing.  Fate, karma, destiny, whatever you want to call it, keeping these two people circling around each other but never meeting until the time is perfect, until it is the right time for them to find each other.

I'm not sure that I necessarily believe that it works out that way every time for everyone.  I suspect there are plenty of people in the world that would be a perfectly good match for any given person.  But at the same time, while that may be true, maybe there is that someone out there that is the perfect match for each of us and if we would just sit still long enough and pay attention to what's happening maybe our paths will come together at the exact right moment.

For instance, maybe that moment is in an otherwise 'meh' class you take while getting your masters and suddenly a little voice in your ear whispers, "That girl sitting in front of you.  You're gonna marry her."  But you've got to be paying enough attention to hear it.

Add in Jeremy Piven and you've got a fantastic movie.

Serendipity: A

Chex Cereals

Chex Cereals:

For various reasons, we're going to cover all of the current Chex cereals in one post. [1]  We will also be leaving out the 6,000 varieties of Chex Mix. [2]

If you somehow don't know what I'm talking about when I say Chex then you should really get out of your bed more often and/or watch something on TV that has commercials. [3]

Visually all of the Chex are the same: little crispy squares of interlaced grains, vaguely pillow shaped [4] so they can hold milk.

With one exception they all have the quick to soggy problem of many grain cereals.  They aren't as bad as corn flakes, but you'd still better not dally once the milk hits the bowl.

The Varieties:

Corn/Rice Chex: I realize that these are two different varieties of Chex and thus might deserve two different grades, but let's be honest, besides the name and a slight color variation these two are interchangeable and otherwise identical.  They don't taste bad, but then again they don't really taste like much of anything.  They are also the quickest to turn to mush in your bowl.

They also come in a box larger than your average cereal box.  This might seem like a boon, but after you've eaten five bowls and are now sick of them, the box will sit and mock you from the pantry shelf for the next six months until you finally overcome the potential guilt and just  throw them away.

Corn/Rice Chex: B- [5]

Wheat Chex: Wheat Chex is the exception to the "Chex gets soggy quick in milk" rule.  They will eventually lose a bit of their rough edges, but unless you go off and watch a Peter Jackson movie between pouring the milk and eating, they will maintain crispiness throughout.

They taste pretty good.  Their taste improves significantly if you sprinkle just a bit of sugar on them. [6]  I honestly buy them pretty regularly.

Speaking of regular, you want to be careful about how much Wheat Chex you eat.  Alternately, if you decide to finish off the box in a few consecutive sittings, I would suggest not straying too far from your favorite toilet.  Too much Wheat Chex will clean you out like a freight train through your bowels. [7]

Wheat Chex: B

Honey Nut Chex: This is the dirty trick of Chex varieties.  They promise to be so much more, but then fail to deliver. [8]

Honey Nut Chex [calling from cereal aisle shelf]: Mr. Customer! Buy me!  I am sweet and delicious.  I have nuts.  I have honey.  I am so different from these other plain varieties.  You must buy me!
Me: Um.  Isn't that what you said last time?
HNC: No, that wasn't me.  That was Crispix.
Me: Are you sure.
HNC: I promise.  Think of the honey.  Think of the nuts.  Think of the children.
Me: Okay

The next morning you discover once again that you've been fooled into buying a box of Corn Chex in which the cereal has a light coating of something that makes it glisten slightly before it gets wet.  Once the milk hits them the truth is revealed and both the you and the Chex are sad.

Honey Nut Chex: C- 

Vanilla Chex: A relative newcomer to the Chex Universe, Vanilla Chex  rode in on the heels of Chocolate Chex [see below] and made it's bid for glory.  Alas it bid too low.  They are not bad, but not good enough to ever bother buying unless the store is out of Chocolate Chex.

Vanilla Chex: C+

Chocolate Chex: They is where the goodness lies.  Chocolate Chex are good stuff.  Chex covered in cocoa powder and other chocolate-y type goodness.  But they don't coat every piece.  No they leave about a third uncovered and normal.  That way you can still feel like you are eating a "good for you" cereal.

They are good with milk and they are good by the handful straight out of the box.  In fact, I usually end up eating them both ways since once you're done with a bowl of them, you wanna have more. [9]

Chocolate Chex: A

Cinnamon Chex: I must admit to having failed you in my quest to fully educate you about Chex.  I actually have never tried these.  I think cinnamon flavored things are okay, but the flavor doesn't really excite me terribly.  Thus, I have never bothered to buy these, though there were two or three times when I thought more than ten seconds about it, but then I bought Chocolate Chex. [10]

Chex on Amazon Cinnamon Chex: ??

Chex Clusters - Fruit and Oat: While thinking about writing this post, I discovered online that they now also have a new variety of Chex.  Once I see them on a shelf, I'll buy some and update this post.

Chex Clusters: ??

Past Varieties: Doing some research on the Interwebs [11] I found out that there are several past varieties of Chex that have come and gone.  Most of them I had never heard of, [12]  but I do remember Frosted Chex.  Not well enough to grade them, but enough to visualize the box in my head.

I have clear memories of Bran Chex.  If Wheat Chex is a freight train, then Bran Chex was Grand Central Station with all lines running. [13]  Also it tasted worse than Wheat Chex, so I'm not surprised it went away.

Finally, I have a memory of a Chex cereal that had little bits of nuts, brown sugar or other crunchy type goodness hanging off of each piece of cereal.  I don't recognize any of the list of Ex-Chex types as what I am remembering, maybe it was the Honey Graham Chex.  I just remember liking it. [14]

Chex Cereals: B+

[1] - Not the least of which is that I'm lazy.  Also, other reasons that should be evident as you read.  Also, if you haven't already read it, here's a really old post about Cereal in general you can read.
[2] - I'm also not commenting on the Gluten Free Chex Oatmeal, because Oatmeal is nasty.
[3] - And not just the same two commercials you get on Hulu during any given stretch of time
[4] - Couch not bed.
[5] - They probably scored a little higher than you might have thought given the commentary, but they are redeemed in part because of Muddy Buddies
[6] - That wasn't a joke saying you should pour a ton of sugar on them, really just a light sprinkle is sufficient.
[7] - Don't say I didn't warn you.
[8] - I feel compelled to tell you, before you read the next exchange, that for reasons I cannot explain the box of Honey Nut Checks in the vignette speaks with a French accent.
[9] BONUS: Looking for a great late night snack?  Put them in a bowl and cover them with a generous amount of lite Cool Whip.  Give a very light mix and enjoy.  Delicious and relatively lo-cal.  You can send me a thank you letter in the morning.
[10] - Why not buy both, you ask?  If I'm going to spend that much money, I'll just buy another box of Chocolate Chex.  Or maybe a Wheat Chex if the mood strikes me.
[11] - By which I mean Wikipedia.
[12] - Wheat and Raisin Chex?  Strawberry Chex?
[13] - Or was that visualization a little too much?
[14] - It's probably also why Honey Nut Chex still manages to sucker me once a year or so.