Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Oatmeal: My original thought when creating this blog was that I wouldn't rate something until after I had recently experienced it.  Thus, if I wanted to rate a food, I would wait until I had some of it.  However, it has occurred to me that under those rules there are some foods that I will never rate and thus there needs to be an exception to the rule.  Today is one of them.  What is there that I can say that is positive about oatmeal?  Not much.  The stuff is hideous.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it has no redeeming features at all.  But wait you say, it's great because you can add whatever toppings you want to it and make it taste however you want.  Sure, but that's also true of book paste, dirt and gruel.  (Oh wait, oatmeal is gruel.)   Also if the main thing a food has going for it is that I can make it taste like something else, then why aren't I just eating the something else?  My mother used to make us eat oatmeal for breakfast before school in the winters.  This was doubly offensive.  First, I wasn't allowed to eat cereal (see previous post for why this was a problem).  Secondly, I had to eat oatmeal.  My strategy was to make it as thick as possible and still be able to consume it.  I would put as large a spoonful in my mouth as I could conceivably swallow without actually chewing it.  (Not that chewing it would serve much purpose.)  That way I could avoid actually tasting it (much) and get done as fast as possible.  My brother (and now my wife who btw loves oatmeal), would eat his so runny that it was more like a bowl of milk with blobs of mush floating in it.  What a way to ruin some milk.  It practically gives me the wigguns.*  I vowed then and there that when I got older I'd never eat oatmeal again and that's a vow that I plan to keep.  It has occurred to me that that oatmeal does have two redeeming features.  One is that it makes a nice cookie.  The other is that I once knew a girl that really really really really really loved oatmeal and she was nice, but then that actually doesn't have much to do with the oatmeal.

Oatmeal: F

* - technical term.  Look it up.

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