Challenged to Post, "Without Comment"

[It's been a minute since I wrote something here, but I thought I'd put this out there so I could easily reference it later should it become needed.]

Someone has challenged you over the next X days to post on some media platform pictures of:

 - Your favorite albums of all time.

 - The movies that were most influential on you.

 - The books could you read over and over.

 - The [some way of pretending to get random things] photo(s) on your phone. [1]

 - The food you blah blah blah . . . 

 - The place(s) you would yadda yadda yadda . . .

 - etc, etc, etc.

Let's be clear, I'm not opposed to these sorts of things.  I most likely am interested in what you might have to share.  After all, the reason we are ostensibly friends on whatever social media platform this is occurring on is because we both chose to be.  Thus, I probably care some amount about you and am interested at least on some level about who you are, what you care about, and other parts of you life.

But here's the supposed kicker, you have to post them, "without comment".  

Though I'm probably reading more dramatic emphasis into it than is really there, I always imagine it more like:

"I was challenged to post this, WITHOUT COMMENT!"  [Dum, dum, dummmmmmm!] [2]

But the question is, why?

Why wouldn't you comment?  What point is there to the whole thing if you don't comment?

Oh, here's some photo that seems important . . .

 . . .but I've no idea why.

Hey look, they like a movie that 90% of people like . . . 

 . . .  what a non-surprise.

They've read that famous book . . . 

. . . that millions of other people have read too.  

Complete non-shocker, and honestly, I don't care.

Of course if you were to comment then suddenly I do care.  Because now I know that the reason you picked that photo was because of [something meaningful and/or interesting].

Or maybe it wasn't.  Maybe you just like the way you look in that photo.  Or you just want to show the world your cute kid(s).

Maybe you just like that movie because of that one fight scene.  Or that one line.  Or because of that hot actor/actress is in it.  

And I suspect that's one of the real reasons people are so pleased to post "without comment".  Because they have nothing to say beyond, "I liked this."  Because their 10 things are completely banal and in truth uninteresting. 

A second reason is probably that after posting and commenting on 1 picture of their kid/dog/self/whatever that fulfills the requirement of this supposed challenge, they would really have nothing left to say on days 2 through 10.

A third reason, and most likely to most applicable is that people are lazy.

So, before I wrap this up.  Let me actually challenge you.

The next time someone "challenges" you to post pictures of whatever "without comment", I challenge you to completely ignore the lets 'o', 'u' and 't' in the word "without" and to post them WITH comments.

Because let's be honest.  One of the main reasons you accepted this "challenge" is that you were hoping people will think the things you picked are cool/interesting/say something about you, and/or that you want people to talk with you about it.  

There's nothing wrong with that, so skip the hoping someone will take the lame bait of a pic with no comments and start the conversation yourself.  

I for one will be way more likely to: 

 - pay attention

 - think about what you've posted for more than half a second

 - post a comment

And if the person who challenged you complains about your changing the rules, just reply to them with a link to this post.

Challenged to Post "Without Comment": D-

[1] - This is "Pretending to be random" because: A) if the randomly selected picture isn't something you want others to see; or B) isn't cool enough; or C) you really want to pick some other picture, we all know your just going to pick whatever you want.

[2] - That's a bad attempt at dramatic sounding music.

Holiday Police Blotter

Holiday Police Blotter:

 “Dispatch this Delta 25.  I’m at the scene now.”

“Roger, Delta 25.  What’s the situation?”

“It looks like an 11-81.  Nothing too serious.  The vehicle collided with a snow drift and got upsot.”

“Come again, Delta 25.  Did you say ‘upsot’?”

“That’s correct dispatch.”

“Do you need an ambulance?”

“It doesn’t appear so.  The passenger, one Fannie Bright, reports minor injuries.  The driver appears unhurt.  I suspect intoxication is the cause.”

“Did you administer a field sobriety test?”

“No, but witnesses report the vehicle was moving at a high rate of speed.  Several described it as ‘dashing’.  They also report the driver as laughing the entire time.”

“Roger, Delta 25.  What’s your recommendation?”

“I’m going to bring the driver in.  The passenger will need a taxi.  Also, we may want animal services to look at the horse.  It seems a bit thin to me.  Possible abuse and mistreatment.”

“I’m sorry.  Did you say, horse?”

“Roger, dispatch.”

----------

“911.  Please state your emergency.”

“There are people here trying to rob me.”

“Ma’am, are there intruders in your house right now?”

“No, not in my house.  They are on my front lawn.”

“How many people is it?”

“About eight.”

“You say these people tried to rob you?”

“Yes.  They keep yelling at me and demanding that I give them things.”

“What sorts of things are they demanding?”

“Food mostly.  Something made with figs, I think.”

“Did you tell them to leave?”

“Yes, several times.  But they insist they won’t leave until I get them what they want.”

“Okay, ma’am.  Sit tight.  An officer will be with you shortly.”

-----------

“Unit 5, this is Walter.  I’m at the intersection of fourth and main.  Are you in the area?”

“Roger that, Walter.  I’m a few blocks away on the square.  How can I help you?”

“I’m going to need help apprehending a suspect and a vehicle to transport him once he’s in custody.” 

“Are we gonna need additional back-up?”

“I don’t think so.  So far he seems harmless.  Mostly just disturbing the peace and public indecency.  Also jaywalking.”

“Jaywalking?”

“Roger.  I’m actually on traffic detail.  This character came running through here like he’s got a death wish.  I hollered for him to stop, but he ignored me and ran into traffic.  He’s lucky he didn’t get hit.”

“Can’t you just ticket him and send him on his way?”

“Don’t forget about the public indecency.  He’s actually naked.”

“Did you say naked?  As in no clothing?”

“I guess he’s not technically 100% naked.  He’s wearing what looks like an old top hat.  Also, though it isn’t actually clothing, he’s carrying a broom stick.”

“Did you try to apprehend him?”

“Yes.  He’s rather fast.  He keeps slipping by me yelling, ‘catch me if you can’.”

“Okay, I’m in route.  Just out of curiosity, what color is this guy?”

“Oh, he’s white.  Real pale.  I think he probably avoids the sun.”

-----------

"Hi.  I’m Officer Brynner.  How can I help you?"

"I need to get a restraining order.  Is this where I do that?"

"Yes, Ma’am.  Sit here and let me get some information from you.  What’s the name of the person you need to get the restraining order against?"

"Honestly, I’m not sure.  He goes by Nick, but he seems to go by a lot of different names.  I think Nick is short for Nicholas but he’s not from around here.  It might actually be Niklaus or something like that."

"That’s all you have?  No last name?"

"Sorry."

"Niklaus, sounds Russian or Slavic.  Is that where he’s from?"

"I don’t know.  He doesn’t look like a foreigner.  But I think I remember someone saying something about him coming from somewhere up north."

"That’s not really a lot to go on.  But we’ll come back to that later.  Let’s focus on why you need the restraining order.  What’s happened?"

"Well, honestly he’s been stalking me."

"That’s pretty serious.  Tell me some of the details."

"He says that he’s watching me all the time.  When I’m sleeping.  When I’m awake.  Frankly, it’s kind of creepy."

"Is he in your house?  Or are there cameras?"

"I don’t think he’s in my house.  Though he does seem to be able to get into and out of places with ease.  Doesn’t matter if the doors are locked or not.  I don’t know how he does it.  Maybe it’s magic."

"So you’re saying he’s some kind of burglar?  Has he threatened you?"

"Not directly.  He keeps saying he’s judging me.  If I don’t live up to his standards there’s going to be consequences."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Oh for years.  Since I was a kid."

"For years!? Why have you waited so long to come forward?"

"I was afraid.  He’s warned me in the past about complaining or crying out.  If I do he’ll come back to town."

"So he’s not in town now?  Do you know where we can locate this man?"

"No.  But I do know that he’s coming back to town sometime in the early winter."

"If you can’t give us a name, perhaps you can give us a physical description or work with a sketch artist."

"Actually, I’ve never seen him."

"Ma’am, I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but are you sure this person is real?"

"Oh definitely, my parents told me he was."

---------------

“Unit 12, this is Central.  Do you copy? Over.”

.  .  .

“Unit 12, are you there? Over.”

.  .  .

“Unit 12?”

“This is Unit 12.  Sorry, it’s hard to hear over all the noise here.

“Are you at the site of the Motel 6 disturbance?”

“I am at the location, but it’s not actually at the Motel 6.  It’s located by the barn behind it.”

“Roger that.  What’s your status.  How can we help you?”

“There’s quite a crowd gathered.  I’m going to need back up.”

“Additional units will be dispatched.  Do you need a paddy wagon?”

“I’m not sure at this point.  There are quite a few people here, but it’s relatively peaceful.  Mostly I need help just sorting out what’s going on.”

“Roger that Unit 12.  How big of a crowd are we talking?”

“I’d guess it to be over 200.”

“Come again.  Did you say over 200?”

“That’s right.  Of course that’s not counting all of the animals.”

“How many animals? Do you need animal control?”

“Quite a few actually.  Though I think most of the sheep came with the shepherds.”

“Unit 12 are you saying that in addition to a flock of sheep there are more animals?”

“Central, that’s correct.  There are some goats.  Some horses.  A couple cows in the barn.  I haven’t counted them, but I can hear them lowing.  There are some donkeys, including one with unusually long ears.  There’s quite a few smaller things as well: some mice, some birds up in the rafters . . . an owl I think, a badger, rabbits, other field animals, a few cats and dogs and the like, maybe even a fox.  And there are also the camels.”

“Was that camels?”

“Yes, I think they were brought here by the three foreign guys.”

“Foreign guys?  Do you need a translator?”

“Probably, but I don’t know what language they speak.  They seem to have come from far away and based on the gold and spices they are carrying they seem rather wealthy.  Also, I don’t know why, but I’d characterize them as wise.”

“Six shepherds and three foreign men are quite a long way from over 200.”

“There’s also the little girl with the rose and the little boy playing the drums.”

“It’s the middle of the night, are their parents there, Unit 12?”

“I don’t think so.  We probably need child services as well.  Also an ambulance.”

“Is one of the children hurt?”

“No, there’s a newborn that needs to be taken in and checked out.”

“An unattended newborn?”

“Sorry, no the mother is here.  We’ll need a bus for her as well.  Based upon the conversation and what I saw in the straw, I think she just gave birth.  It’s a bit of a mess in there. So, a hazardous materials clean up team isn’t out of the question. There’s also an adult male.  But there seems to be some confusion over whether or not he’s the father.  ”

“I make that a total of 15 people.  Who else is there?”

“Well, there are a whole lot of other people singing.”

“Come again, Unit 12. How many?”

“I’m not sure.  Lot’s.  I’d call it a host really.  They’re hard to count.  As I said they are all singing and milling about.  It almost looks like they’re flying at times.  I think they’re excited about the baby.  Also there may be an aerial unit in the area already.  Anyway, something is in the sky shining a spotlight on us.  It’s adding to the confusion.  Honestly I’m not sure but I think I saw three ships, a submarine and a baseball team as well.”

“Unit 12, you understand there are no harbors in the city?”

“Yeah. Okay. I must be mistaken on that one.

“Okay Unit 12.  Dispatching to your location: additional units for crowd control, animal control, child services, a translator and a protocol officer for the foreign dignitaries, an ambulance for newborn and mother, a hazardous materials cleanup team and just to be safe the fire department, a paddy wagon and a field psychiatrist too.  Will that cover it?”

Copyright SBaumann 2015

Zooey vs Darius

A Very She & Him Christmas (2011) vs Darius Rucker: Home For The Holidays [1] (2014):

I acquired both of these albums very recently [2] and I guess in the interest of full disclosure I should reveal that I haven't actually finished listening to the Darius Rucker CD yet. [3]

A Very She & Him Christmas is what some might call minimalist.  There's Zooey Deschanel and there's Matt Ward and there are the smallest number of instruments possible on every song.  The instruments are played softly, the songs are sung low and the whole thing proceeds at a pace that would make a turtle say, "Dude, that's kind of slow." [4]

Nevertheless the CD is very enjoyable.  Again, if you are looking for something to sing or dance to at your Christmas get together this is not the disc for you.  However if you want something to play in the background while you're wrapping presents or having a romantic date during the holiday season you need look no further.

Some of the reviews I read online said that they found Zooey's singing flat, emotionless or just plain bad.  But I suspect those people were missing the point.  She isn't trying to set new holiday cheer world records, nor is she trying to out sing previous performers or the instruments.  The entire thing is meant to be slow, low and dreamy.

One song of note is their version of Baby It's Cold Outside.  In an interesting twist, they switched the roles and she sings part usually sung by the guy.  It worked well for me.  The Pook said she liked it better than most other versions of the song. [5]

A Very Hootie Christmas is exactly what you expect it to be.  It's Hootie.  He's singing your favorite Christmas songs [6] in a way that sounds exactly like Hootie singing Christmas songs.  He's got that resonant deep voice.  The music is grand and full.  This is exactly the CD you want playing in the background at a Christmas party.  It's great.

A Very She & Him Christmas (2011):  B+

Darius Rucker: Home For the Holidays [1] (2014): A


[1] - A.K.A. - A Very Hootie Christmas
[2] - "Acquired" meaning bought on Amazon and "recently" meaning yesterday.
[3] - Of course that isn't going to stop me from grading it.
[4] - What?  Everyone knows turtles are kind of hip in an old school way and say things like "dude" all the time.
[5] - But then again the Pook hates that song.  She calls it the "date rape song".
[6] - Including Baby It's Cold Outside.  Sorry Pook.

New Years

I was a bit late on the Christmas post, so here's a nearly equally late post about New Years.

New Years: On the whole this holiday is kind of lame from pretty much all fronts.  Let's start with . . .

The Time Perspective: As somebody once said, "time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future. [1]  Also it's been noted that time doesn't have a start or an end, it just keeps right on going.  Nevertheless, we [2] arbitrarily picked a day to mark as the end/beginning of the period of time it takes the Earth to orbit the sun.  Then we made it into a party.  We could have just as easily picked March 13 or September 25. [3]

I realize that it probably had something to do with the symbolism of winter representing dying and the end.  Combined with the birth of the new year with spring, but if that was really what we aiming for then January should have started on the first day of Spring. [4]

The Holiday Perspective: We just had Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Festivus. It's only been one week!  We realistically can only celebrate so many holidays in a year and the winter has so many of them.  Look at August.  There's nothing.  I'm just saying.

The Celebration Perspective:  And how do we "celebrate" the new year anyway?  Did you do anything, anything at all that actually had any relevance to a 'new year'?

Granted some of you may have made a resolution, but what does that have to do with a new year?  I mean I get it, new year, new chances, new choices.  Or rather that's what it's supposed to be.  Instead it's more like, new year, new chances, same old behavior. [5]

For most the holiday was an excuse to drink to much and wake up in a fog wondering what happened. [6] Of course, that's probably the real point of the holiday anyway.  New Years is like Christmas' drunk step-father.

And the reality of it is that most people are not looking forward to or actually celebrating on New Years at all.  Everyone gets together on New Years Eve.  They party it up and then once midnight hits, Jenny McCarthy kisses some random stranger and we all go home.  The arrival of the supposed point of the celebration is actually the signal of its end.  Seriously when you were anticipating whatever fun you were anticipating for the holiday, I'm willing to bet that what you were thinking of was stuff that you did on New Years Eve and not on New Years Day.

How most people really "celebrated" actual New Years Day was they watched some football and watched a parade.  Which might have actually been exciting if you hadn't just finished watching parades on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

New Years: D

[1] - No, it was not Seal.
[2] - Meaning Humans.
[3] - Except then of course those days would have been January 1st, but whatever.
[4] - a.k.a. March 20th
[5] - Be truthful now.  As I write this it's January 14th.  How many of you who made them are still following your resolutions?
[6] - And thus no different from any other weekend, except that it could actually be Tuesday.

Christmas

I've been rather busy and somehow have managed not to write anything here for almost a month.  I know some of you were probably anxiously awaiting my post on Christmas, so even though it's come and gone, here you go:

Christmas: I like Christmas a lot.  A lot a lot.  More than any other four holidays put together.  Nevertheless, I can appreciate that it's a holiday chock full of weirdness.  if you take a step outside of your cultural niche and look at Christmas traditions as an outsider [1] and there are some real head scratchers.  So here are a few of the things about Christmas that when you take a closer look at them are really quite strange.

1) Christmas Trees: We have spent a lot of time, effort and money to keep our houses secure.  In essence to keep what's inside our houses in and to keep the outside world out.  Nevertheless, once a year we go out and chop down a perfectly healthy tree and drag it inside.  There we cover it in pretty glass balls, lights and other decorations until it dies.

Then we throw it away.

Why?  Because it's tradition.

Of course, for various reasons some people don't want a real tree, so we invented an entire industry in which businesses make fake trees out of plastic for us.

2) Santa Claus: Those same houses that we built to keep nature out are also supposed to keep unwanted guests out.  However, once a year we wait in anticipation for a complete stranger to invade our houses while we sleep.  He eats our food and then leaves us gifts.

If this were to happen on any other day of the year, you would call the cops and you would eye with a lot of suspicion and such "presents" that were left.  And if those presents were food in any way shape or form, there is no way we would eat them.

However in this case, we allow our children [2] to gobble down anything left behind by this midnight invader.

But wait you say, he's not a stranger.  He's Santa Claus!

Really, what do you actually know about him?  Let's start with looks.  What does he look like?  Have you ever actually seen him yourself?  His modus operandi is that you don't ever see him.  He could actually be a 10' tall Chinese woman and you wouldn't know.  All that we supposedly know about Santa is 100% stuff other people told us.  The kind of testimony that every court in the country would throw out as hearsay.  [3]

Another darker side to the Jolly Old Elf is that he's the ultimate stalker.  Whatever it is that you are doing, he knows!  He's sees you when you're sleeping!  He knows when you're awake!

I've seen this movie, it was called Sliver and it didn't go so well.

3) Fruitcake: I think I've met two people in my life who actually claim to like this stuff.  However, I don't think that I have actually ever seen a fruitcake in my life.  So for all of its purported ubiquitousness, it's quite possible these are about as real as #2 above.

Christmas: A+++
Christmas Behind the Curtain: C-

[1] - An alien from Alpha Centauri say.
[2] - Who it is our duty to protect.
[3] - In the end, I'm not sure if it speaks volumes about our kids gullibility or faith in us that they believe any of this stuff at all.  Last year when we were explaining it to the Bear, I swear the look he gave us was more akin to, "Do you really expect me to believe that?" than anything else.

What I'm Thankful For

What I'm Thankful For: This was going to be about how Thanksgiving is the only truly American holiday.[1]  But now it isn't.  In part because I just wasn't feeling it, but also because I wanted to talk about other things.

So instead I thought I would take the more traditional route and talk about what I'm most thankful for.  Don't worry, this isn't going to be a smarmy list of sappy sentimentalism.  Instead this is a slightly different take.  This is how I am so very thankful that the Pook puts up with me.[2]

To illuminate why this is maybe not such an easy thing, I present the following three bits of evidence.

1) I'm seriously grumpy in the morning and she doesn't really mind.  I'm not talking about normal levels of grumpy.  I mean super-mega-seriously-don't expect more than a grunt from me-levels of grumpiness.

The Pook on the other hand generally springs out of bed in the morning ready-to-go and full of pep.

She later told me that the first month or so that she got to experience this, she thought I was mad at her for something.  Every morning.

Typical morning conversation.  Me in shower.  Pook cheerfully doing whatever it is that Pooks do in the mornings cheerfully.

Pook: I thought tonight we could go out to eat and then to Target.
Me: . . .
Pook: We don't have to go to Target if you don't want to.
Me: . . .
Pook: We could stay home too.
Me: . . .

I'm quite the witty conversationalist.

2) I never notice anything.  Seriously, the world could end and I would miss it.  Last night I spent ten minutes searching everywhere in the bathroom for some medicine of mine and finally gave up in frustration.  She walked in and found it in half a second sitting in plain sight. [3]

A better example is given by this actual conversation:

Pook: Did you see that sign about [something I would be interested in] on the way to work?
Me: No?  Where did you see that?
Pook: It was in front of that house that is shaped like an igloo.
Me: There's a house shaped like an igloo?  Where?
Pook: Seriously? It's just around the corner from our subdivision.  We pass it every morning on the way to work.
Me: There's a house that's shaped like an igloo just around the corner?  Where?
Pook: It's just after that big swampy area.
Me: What big swampy area?

In my defense, we usually pass this way in the morning and I'm not exactly alive at that point. [4]

3) My dreams sometimes get the better of me and by way of collateral damage her too.

For instance, one time I dreamed there were giant spiders on the floor of the bedroom. [5]  When they started to come up onto the bed I started actually screaming out loud: GET OUT OF THE BED! GO! GO! GO!

The Pook jumped out of bed in what I assume is a state of pure panic and confusion.  Of course, at that point I had woken myself up as well and I said, "Oh. Never mind."

Another time, I was having this dream that I was hiding behind a slim post.  There was a "bad guy" coming up from the other side with a gun and for whatever reason he had yet to see me and I knew that as long as I stayed still he wouldn't see me.  However he was also getting closer and would eventually discover me no matter what I did.

There was a three foot section of 2x4 [6] leaning against the same post.  I knew that if I waited for the right moment he would get close enough.  Then if I was quick enough, I could grab the piece of wood and slam the bad guy with it.  Of course if I was too slow, he would shoot me.

I waited as he got ever nearer.  Then at the last second I sprung into action.  WHAM!!!  I got him!

The next morning as I was washing my hair in the shower, I suddenly thought to myself.  Did I slam my pillow into the Pook while she was sleeping?

It was all very fuzzy and vague.  Also, I'm not the most alive person in the mornings. [7]  I decided the best course of action would be to say nothing unless she did.

Almost immediately after I had finished the thought, the Pook suddenly stopped doing whatever it is that Pooks cheerfully do in the mornings cheerfully and said, "Did you slam me in the head with your pillow last night?"

Evidently, I had sprung up onto my knees.  Grabbed me pillow.[8]  And slammed it down onto her head.[9]  I then laid down and went back to sleep.

All I can say is thank goodness she's a world class sleeper.

Anyway, this is just a short list of the many ways that living with me ain't easy.

Thanks Pook.

The Pook Putting Up With Me: A+

[1] -  Yes, July 4th is our independence day, but lots of countries have independence days.  Only Thanksgiving is about eating too much and watching TV.
[2] - Betcha didn't see that one coming.
[3] - Or at least that's what she claims.
[4] - Refer to item 1 above.
[5] - Two to three foot across big hairy ones.
[6] - Big piece of lumber that would make a big club.
[7] - Refer to item 1 above.
[8] - Or 2x4 if you prefer.
[9] - Or onto the bad guy's if you prefer.

Pinatas

Pinatas: I want you to close your eyes and think of a pinata.  Picture a blindfolded child swinging a bat at the pinata.  The pinata moves out of the way as the person at the end of the rope makes it jump about wildly.  The child swings again and again.  The Pinata continues its merry dance until the randomness of its erratic movements and the swinging of the bat brings the two into destructive contact.  The Pinata explodes and a shower of treats rains down on the ecstatic children below.

Now open your eyes and face the reality of a Pinata.

They never, and I do mean never, explode into a shower of treats. [1] The children all line up and each take their swings, but even if they should make contact the Pinata holds firm.  Like a sadistic piggy bank refusing to give up its coins.  Eventually the kids and the adults get tired of the whole endeavor.

First, they stop pulling the rope at all, but even hanging still it doesn't produce any results.

Next the blindfold is discarded.  The children's interest is renewed, but rapidly wanes as even the benefit of sight produces no better results.

Ultimately we end with the pinata lying on the ground as one of the larger kids (or even an adult) beats the thing like the proverbial horse.

Should someone actually get lucky enough to breach the pinatas exterior while it is still airborne, no explosion of candy results.  Instead, if you are lucky one or two sad pieces of candy slide out, but no more.  More likely nothing falls out and the hole just serves as mockery while the pinata continues to hold fast. [2]

But before we completely turn away from the concept of a pinata in disgust.  Let's look at a few more facets of the endeavor.

First of all, who is really getting any joy out of the thing?  In reality the only ones are the adults as they laugh at the children swinging wildly and ineffectually.  In other words, this is mocking our youngsters while they fail at a task they have no hope of completing.

Secondly, about half the time the children end up getting the last laugh as one of the "helpful" adults in the area [3] ends up taking an essentially deserved shot to a vital area as little Billy starts swinging wildly before they can get clear.

And thirdly, now-a-days pinatas are made to look like our kids TV and movie heroes.  Not the villains, mind you, because that would make sense.  So instead of having them beat the tar out of evil doers and villains, we have them beat the tar out of Superman or Elmo or Curious George.[3]

In conclusion, while I would love to regale you with tales of pinatas past and multi-colored torrents of confections erupting from within, sadly I cannot.  Instead I can only tell you of one Dora.  Who having done nothing more offending than explored where her curiosity would take her, ended up with her head hanging high overhead while her decapitated body lay on the ground taking repeated blunt force trauma from a five iron.

Pinata perfection.

Pinatas: F

[1] - Or a shower of anything for that matter.
[2] - It's only a flesh wound.
[3] - Most likely its the one who spins the blindfolded kid around before letting them loose with a blunt weapon
[3] - Take that you simian freak!  And tell that yellow hatted man if he knows what's good for him he won't show his face around here!

The Fourth of July & Independence Day

In my experience there are two things you should never bother to argue about: politics and religion.  You can spend a lot of breath and energy making as many good points as you'd like about either topic, but unless the person you are talking to is already on your side, you're wasting your time.*  I've listened to two grown men, who I thought otherwise intelligent, arguing until they were red in the face.  Both completely furious that the other person couldn't see the simple truth of the facts that they were presenting and neither listening for one minute to what the other was saying.

Having said that, I'm now going to flirt with breaking that rule.

It seems to me that there is a difference between "The Fourth of July" and "Independence Day" and it's a shame that most Americans seem to have lost the importance of one of them somewhere along the way.

The Fourth of July: This is a day in which families and friends get together and celebrate.  They generally grill out, have picnics, or participate in some other food gathering that typically takes place outside.**  They participate in other outdoor activities like father-son softball games, three-legged races, egg tosses and the like.  A lot of watermelon and beer is consumed and then the day is capped off with a bunch of great fireworks that thrill us as they light up the night sky.

Independence Day: This is a day in which Americans remember that the country that they live in wasn't always here.  They take time to recognize that the freedoms that they enjoy were not free to begin with and maintaining them is not free now.  And they understand that a lot of people have paid a huge price to make sure that they have and continue to have those freedoms.  They might just go one step further and see that while there are differences of opinion on how to continue running our great nation, we are fortunate in the extreme to be able to spend so much time arguing about how we're going to do it and realizing that even if the other party makes some ground on their political agenda we are all still amazingly fortunate compared with most of the rest of the world***.

Anyway, those are some thoughts I've been mulling over for the last couple of days.  I hope you had a wonderful Fourth of July and I hope you had an Independence Day.

Fourth of July: B
Independence Day: A+


* - Of course arguing to people who are already on your side is also a waste of time.
** - The current temperature hovering around 100 degrees notwithstanding.
*** - Or really amazingly fortunate compared to all of the rest of the world.  (Sorry, rest of the world.)

Mother's Day and Father's Day

Mother's Day & Father's Day: Mother's day is a great idea.  A day to say thank you to your mom for everything that she's done and believe me that wasn't an easy task.  Now you're saying: "Wait a minute! You don't know what I was like as a child and you don't know my mother at all!"  Well the fact of the matter is that I don't need to.  Let's just assume that you were actually a good child.  One who really didn't cause your mom much trouble at all.*  She still had to do all of the everyday normal things that come with taking care of a child: cleaning up after you, getting you dressed, feeding you, etc. etc.  This stuff isn't easy.  Need proof that this isn't easy?  Here you go.

Mother's day is the day that you are supposed to be thanking mom for everything that she did for you.  So how do you properly thank mom for doing all of that cleaning, tending to and cooking that she did for you?  Well,  if it was so easy you could do some cleaning, tending to and cooking for her.  But do you?  Nope, in fact mother's day is the day in which restaurants do more business than any other day of the year.  Let's hope you took her to a nice one and weren't too cheap.

Father's day is a whole other day and let's face it, if there wasn't a mother's day there wouldn't be a father's day.  Don't get me wrong, dads deserve to be celebrated as much as moms.  But while there are exceptions, in general I think we can all agree that when you get down to it moms are carrying the majority of the parental weight.**

Speaking as a dad, I like father's day fine.  It isn't your tier one holiday, but it's nice to have somebody take a moment to say thanks.  My only real problem with father's day is the day that it is on.  Mother's day is on a Sunday and it should be.  If there is any day of the week that says "Mom", then it is Sunday.  Sundays in May are bright and sunny.  There are flowers and pretty dresses in pastel.  Even the month of May seems like a Mom month.

Father's day is in June and that's fine.  June sounds like a father-type month to me,*** though I think August might have been better.  But either way, father's day shouldn't be on Sunday.  It should be on Saturday.  Saturday is dad's day.  Saturdays are sawdust and wood.  Saturdays are cut grass and gasoline spilled on the mower.  Saturdays are sports on TV and grilling out.  In other words dad stuff.

Anyway, in my opinion father's day should be on Saturday.  And since I'm already speaking for the rest of the father's out there let me throw this in as well.  While we do appreciate the gifts, lay off the ties. If you were thinking tie, think again.

Mothers Day: A-
Fathers Day: B+


* - And for some of you that is a BIG assumption.
** - Yes, I realize your family might be an exception so you can skip the pointed email defending dear old dad's honor.
*** - Apologies to any ladies out there named such.  I promised I didn't just call you manly.

Birthdays

Birthdays: So today is my birthday.  Birthdays are odd for a number of reasons.  First of all it's basically a celebration of the fact that for yet another year you managed to not die.  Happy Birthday!  We're all stunned that you're still alive!  Secondly, shouldn't this really be a day to celebrate your mother?  I mean if we are celebrating an event, that event is your birth and if you get right down to it, that is something you didn't really have a whole lot to do with.  Trust me, ask you mom.  She'll tell you that all the work and effort that day was done by her.*  You mostly just sat there and made her force you out into the world.  (A process which then continued to a lesser extent for the next 18 years.)  Also birthdays are odd because people ask you retarded questions (especially when you were a kid) like, "So, how's it feel to be X years old."  Like somehow life is a video game and last night while you were sleeping there was a sudden "DING!" and you leveled up or something.  Last time I checked today feels pretty much like it did yesterday.  (Which could be good or bad depending on your situation.)  Also birthdays are odd because of the whole math/calendar/number problem.  What math/calendar/number problem, you say?  Well, how old are you?  Let's pretend you just answered that question with 25 years old.  So, you turn 25 and think, this year is going to be great.  My 25th year.  Only you're wrong.  It's really your 26th year. Your 25th year was last year.  I know, sounds nuts but think for a second.  You were born.  You were effectively zero years old.  That moment of birth began your 1st year on the planet.  Then after you were done with that year you turned 1.  So really your age represents all of the years that are past.  When you turn 1, you are working on your second year.  It's the same math/calendar/number problem that caused most of the planet to celebrate the new millennium on the wrong year. Anyway, I only started mulling on this (again) because I turned 42 today.  42!  An excellent number!**  A few days ago when I thought about turning 42 I said, 'this will be an excellent year because it will be my 42nd year!  But then I thought, no it won't.  Last year was my 42 year.  It was the excellent year.  Oh well.

Birthdays: A+***


* - If you were delivered C-Section then you can add the doctor into the list of hard workers.
** - If you don't know why 42 is an excellent number go read a book (or five).
*** - Despite all of the oddness of birthdays, they are still excellent.  You get presents and cake and every says Happy Birthday to you.  What more could you want?

The Easter Bunny

The Easter Bunny: Let's face it, the Easter Bunny is like a bad copy of Santa's from someplace far away where they talk and look strange.  It's been a few months since Christmas and we're feeling a little holiday deprived, so let's add something new.  Only it isn't new, it's the same but worse.  Santa has a whole back story rich in detail and supporting characters.  The Easter Bunny's story?  He's a giant man sized rabbit that comes to your house and gives you eggs and candy.  And as any chain is only as strong as its weakest link, it's amazing that the whole "holiday character mythos" doesn't come apart at the seams the first time he's mentioned.  Me: Hey son, tomorrows Easter and you now what that means right? Son (who's three): Um, people celebrate an important event of religious significance?  Me: No, the Easter Bunny's gonna come and bring you candy and eggs!  Son: What?  Why?  I thought we weren't supposed to take food from strangers.  Me: Um, but it's the Easter Bunny!  Son: Yeah, okay Dad.  MOM!!!  Dad's off his medication again!  I mean seriously.  Where does he supposedly go up when it's not Easter?  Some magic hole in the ground?  And he spends the whole year painting eggs?  Don't they go bad?  Who helps him?  His brood of magic chickens?  What's his motivation?  Sounds like some sort of anthropomorphic creeper to me.  Don't get me wrong, as a child I appreciated a basket full of candy as much as the next kid, but if this bunny is supposed to have mystic powers or something, how come I got jelly beans every year?  I don't like them.  Further, why did he always put black ones in there?  Nobody likes those?  It's like he's you cousin who's a little tetched in the head.  You don't really know why he does what he does, but your Aunt asked you to ignore it and just play along, so you do.

The Easter Bunny: C-