Rating Stephen King's Bibliography

I gave this a shot once before. [1]  But I'm giving it another go.  Albeit in a shorter per item format that's different from my usual set-up.

I'm going to have short, one or two line reviews of everything thing the King has ever done.  Adding new things as I read them.

As previously noted elsewhere, I started working my way through King's canon late in 2016.

1974

Carrie: Telekinetic girl gets teased until she snaps and runs rampant.  Simply amazing.  To think this is a first book makes it even more so.  It's tense in all the right places. Read this one multiple times.

Carrie: A

1975

Salem's Lot: Vampires invade small town.  Things go poorly for the town.  Great ensemble cast.  Fantastic writing really fleshing out the town.  Classic vampire story from classic King.

Salem's Lot: A

1977

The Shining: Alcoholic plus family locked for winter in haunted hotel in the mountains.  Creepy as all get out.  Alcoholic changes which side he's on.  Danny in the playground is downright terrifying.

The Shining: A

Rage: The first Bachman book.  Insane teenager takes high school hostage.  Lots of explaining.  Sort of a Catcher in the Rye but Holden goes off the deep end.  Not so great.

Rage: C+ [2]

1978

The Stand: Plague kills most of world.  Good and evil battle it out using the people left alive.  Really long, but worth it.  The beginning is amazing.  The end is amazing.  Some of the middle's a bit long.

The Stand: A-

Night Shift: King's first collection of short stories.  Some of them are insanely good.  A few not so much.  Highlights: Last Rung on the Ladder, Man Who Loved Flowers, One For the Road, etc, etc.

Night Shift: B+

1979

The Long Walk: Second Bachman Book.  Kids walk in a competition where stopping means death.  Twisted and yet believable.  You'd think it would plod along, but it avoids that pretty well.

The Long Walk: A

The Dead Zone: Smith can see future.  Reluctantly uses power to save lives and stop killer. Realizes he's got to stop a megalomaniacal politician from destroying world, but at what cost?

The Dead Zone: A

1980

Firestarter: Test experiments on Mom and Dad lead to girl who can start fires.  Government agency tries to capture and control her.  Not too smart.  Starts to drag in the motives.  A sentimental favorite.

Firestarter: B-

1981

Roadwork: Bachman number 3.  Man despairs over progress.  Ruins his own life to spite the world.  Takes about as long to read this as it would to pave a road a road by hand.  Spend your time on the road.

Roadwork: F

Cujo: Series of bad choices and dumb luck allows a rabid Saint Bernard to trap a woman and child in a broken car.  Also somehow a commentary on women who feel/are trapped in their lives.

Cujo: B+

Danse Macabre: Non-fiction. King's commentary on horror in movies, radio, books and the like.  I really need to read the updated version.  Good insight from someone who knows the field well.

Danse Macabre: B

1982

The Running Man: Bachman number 4.  Man living in dystopia signs up for game show where he is hunted.  Great idea.  Well done in parts.  The ending isn't great.  The hero isn't so heroic.

The Running Man: B-

The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger: Roland begins his journey to stop the Man in Black.  More like a series of vignettes than a continuous story.  Didn't really like the first time I read it.  I was wrong.

The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger: A-

Different Seasons: Four novellas in one book.  They are:

Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption: Innocent man ends up in prison.  Survives until he can escape.  Amazing.  'nuff said.

Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption: A+

Apt Pupil: Boy discovers Nazi lives nearby.  Forces Nazi to tell tales. Both become twisted by it.  My memory of this was worse than the read.  Well written, but not something I will seek out again.

Apt Pupil: B-

The Body: The novel that inspire the movie Stand By Me.  Boys set out to see a dead body.  Their experiences along the way shape them more than they could have expected.

The Body: A-

The Breathing Method: Tales told in a gentlemen's club about a woman who gives birth even though she's essentially dead.  More of a long short story, but well worth the read.

The Breathing Method: A

Creepshow: A comic book collection of the stories that were made into the movie by the same name.  The stories are pulpy horror that succeed in being exactly what they aim to be an homage to the type of horror comics King read growing up.  But that doesn't make them necessarily all that good.

Creepshow: C-

1983

Christine: Boy loves car.  Boy loves girl.  Car comes alive.  Lots of people die.  But it takes a long [reading] time to travel the distance and the journey's kind of boring at times.

Christine: C+

Pet Semetary: Indian burial ground brings things back from the dead.  Doesn't work great with the cat.  What could go wrong if we do it to the toddler?  Lots.  A few dead spots but overall great.

Pet Semetary: A-

Cycle of the Werewolf: Quick story told over the course of 12 monthly installments about a werewolf coming to town.  Too short to have bad parts.  Good enough you wish there was more.

Cycle of the Werewolf: B-

1984

The Talisman (Co-wrote with Peter Straub): Boy travels the country to save his mother and a world connected to our own.  Evil twins in both worlds try to stop him.  Co-written with Peter Straub.

The Talisman: A-

Thinner: Bachman book 5. Gypsy curses fat man to slowly wither away to nothing.  Can he resolve things before he fades away?  The ending seams cheap after the journey.

Thinner: A

The Bachman Books: A collection of the first four Bachman books.  Look above for their individual grades. (Rage, The Long Walk, Roadwork, Running Man)

Skeleton Crew: Kings second collection of short stories.  Overall not as good as Night Shift, but still plenty of amazingly good stuff in here.  Highlights include: The Mist, Mrs. Todd's Shortcut, The Jaunt, The Raft, Word Processor of the Gods, Survivor Type.

Skeleton Crew: B  (fwiw, The Mist and Mrs. Todd's Shortcut are A+)

1986

It: A book about Pennywise the killer clown killing off kids in Derry Maine.  Only Pennywise isn't really a clown (and for that matter isn't really named Pennywise).  Also, the book is really about a group of misfit kids coming to terms with the reality of growing up and dealing with their own problems.  Any way you want to call it, this is a great book.

It: A+

1987

The Dark Tower: The Drawing of the Three: Second book in the Dark Tower series.  Roland gathers a group of three people to join him on his quest.  The book starts out rough for Roland and only gets worse.

The Dark Tower: The Drawing of the Three: A

Misery: Annie Wilkes is Paul Sheldon's number one fan.  She's also crazy and has him trapped in her house.  A page turner from jump this is probably my favorite King book of all time.

Misery: A++

The Tommyknockers: Bobbi Anderson finds a buried UFO.  The more of it that gets uncovered the better the aliens inside can control the nearby townsfolk.  Sounds like a great premise but this book becomes a serious slog.

The Tommyknockers: C

1988

Bare Bones - Conversations on Terror:  A collection of interviews with King from a variety of magazines and other places.  If you are into King they are interesting enough, but I suspect most people would probably get tired of them long before they finish the book.

Bare Bones - Conversations on Terror: B-

Nightmares in the Sky: Non-fiction collection of photographs of gargoyles taken by f-stop Fitzgerald.  King writes the long introduction. Not something you need to read, but interesting enough.  Not going to give this one a grade.

1989

The Dark Half: What if the pseudonym you wrote under became it's own separate entity.  What if it was trying to kill you?  Dark and grim story about just that.  King exercises his Bachman demons?

The Dark Half: B+

1990

The Stand: Reviewed above (under 1978), but 1990 was when the uncut version was released.

Four Past Midnight: Another collection of four novellas.  I'm reading this one right now.  Or at least I was when I wrote this.  They are:

The Langoliers: An airplane slips through a crack in reality.  Can the survivors get back to the real world?

The Langoliers: B-

Secret Window, Secret Garden: Maine Author gets accused of plagiarism by a strange man from Mississippi.  The truth of what is going on is thinly veiled and easily guessed.  The ending takes a ninety degree turn that both almost saves and almost ruins the story.

Secret Window, Secret Garden: C+

The Library Policeman: Don't forget to turn in your overdue books or the Library Policeman might have to come and get you. 

The Library Policeman: B

1991

The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands: Roland, Susannah and Eddie are together, but they still need Jake.  Once they get Jake, they lose Jake.  They get Jake again and now a train is trying to kill Jake (and everyone else as well.)

The Dark Tower: The Waste Lands: A

Needful Things: Curiousity shop opens in a small town.  The proprietor is an agent of evil who sells the town just what it needs.  The only cost is your soul.

Needful Things: A

1992

Gerald's Game: Woman ends up handcuffed to a bed, without nobody around for miles to hear her.

Gerald's Game: A+

Dolores Claiborne: Set as a long narrative by a woman who's tired of hiding her secrets, like what did happen to her husband?

Dolores Claiborne: A

1993

Nightmares & Dreamscapes: 24 more short stories from King.  Highlights include: The End of the Whole Mess, The Night Flier, and Sorry, Right Number, plus more.

Nightmares & Dreamscapes: B+

1994

Insomnia: Question: What happens when you don't sleep for a long time.  Answer: You start seeing things.  But maybe the things you are seeing are real and maybe seeing them will give you the knowledge to save important people.

Insomnia: B-

Mid-life Confidential: The Rock Bottom Remainders Tour America with Three Chords and an Attitude: True stories about what happens when several people with a lot of talent in writing decide to take their much smaller amount of talent as a band on the road.

Mid-life Confidential: B-

1995

Rose Madder: Woman gets away from her psychotic husband and tries to live a new life.  Too bad for her , the psycho husband is a cop who can track her down.  Too bad for him she's not the timid mouse she used to be.

Rose Madder: A-

1996

The Green Mile: A tale about the guards and convicts on death row.  Including one who has a magical power to heal.  

The Green Mile: A

Desperation: What if you been arrested by a cop from a very small town in Arizona?  What if he is actually being possessed by an ancient evil?  Also what happens when an author and his pseudonym write books at the same time?

Desperation: B+

Regulators (Written as Richard Bachman): What happens when the characters from a kids TV show come to life and start killing everyone on the block?  Also what happens when an author and his pseudonym write books at the same time?

Regulators: B-

1997

The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass: Two stories told at the same time.  In the present Roland and the others continue their travels.  In the past, we learn of Roland's adventures as a new gunslinger and the discovery of a plot to aid the enemy.

The Dark Tower: Wizard and Glass: A

1998

Bag of Bones: A writer moves into his cabin by the lake only to find it is haunted by some spirits that are only slightly nicer than some of the nearby neighbors.

Bag of Bones: B-

1999

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon: Young girl gets lost in the Great North Woods.  Can she survive or will whatever else is out there in the woods with her get her first?

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon: A+

Hearts in Atlantis: Five stories of differing lengths.  The longest is essentially a novel, the shortest is a very short, short story.  All a loosely stitched together by the characters involved. 

Hearts in Atlantis: A

Storm of the Century: The script for the TV mini-series of the same name.  Evil holds an island town hostage.  It's price?  Either one of the kids or all of the kids.

Storm of the Century: B+

2000

On Writing: A book about the craft of writing from someone who's done quite a lot of it.

On Writing: A

2001

Dreamcatcher: An alien invasion starting near a hunting cabin in the woods.  Four friends may be all that stands between the aliens and humanity.  Or maybe not?

Dreamcatcher: B-

Black House: The sequel to the Talisman finds our hero older and dealing with murders caused by a serial killer or are they being done by a haunted house?

Black House: A-

From a Buick 8: What looks like a car is actually a dimensional portal to a place where stuff isn't as nice as the cops who are tasked with watching over it.

From a Buick 8: B

2002

Everything's Eventual: 14 short stories by King.  Several good stories but any deficiencies in them is blown away by the amazing 1408.

Everything's Eventual: A-

2003

The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla: The Ka-Tet has to defend a town whose children are regularly taken by an unknown enemy.

The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla: B+

2004

The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah: Everyone comes to the "real" world to deal with various issues.  Some are protecting the Rose.  Others are protecting the author.  And Susannah's gonna have a baby.

The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah: A-

The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower: The Ka-Tet finally finishes its journey and get to the tower.  Well they get to the tower anyway.

The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower: A-

Faithful (Written with Stuart O'Nan): Two die-hard Red Sox fans chronicle a year of ball games.  As fate would have it, the book has a very happy ending.

Faithful: B-

2005

The Colorado Kid: Maine locals discuss a cold case in which a man was found dead on the beach.

The Colorado Kid: A

2006

Cell: What if cell phones could be used to take control of the mind of anyone who answers the call?  A journey of those who didn't answer.

Cell: B+

Lisey's Story: Widow of a famous writer discovers that her dead husband was dealing with a lot more than just crazy fans.  Only now she has to deal with the crazy fans too.

Lisey's Story: A

2007

Blaze (Written as Richard Backman): Gangster type with some mental handicaps tries to continue a life of crime after his best friend dies.  Things go about as you'd expect.

Blaze: A-

Duma Key: Ex-construction company owner has to deal with the aftermath of being run over by a crane.  Perhaps painting is the key to health, or perhaps it's just a doorway for an ancient evil to escape its prison.

Duma Key: A-

2008

Just After Sunset: 13 short stories from King.  Highlights include: Graduation Afternoon, N, and A Very Tight Place

Just After Sunset: A-

2009

Under the Dome: Small town is trapped under an invisible dome.  Survival is less a matter of food and more a matter of trying to stop the crazy politician from killing everyone.

Under the Dome: A

2017

Gwendy's Button Box (Co-written with Richard Chizmar): A short story about a girl who is given a magic box that will give you whatever you want, but at a pretty steep price.  Also a return to Castle Rock.  A tight story well told.

Gwendy's Button Box: A

Sleeping Beauties (Co-written with Owen King): The women are all falling asleep and not waking up.  The men are left to their own devices.  Testosterone takes charge.  Not a horror book.  Wants to be more of an adventure story combined with a  psychological look at the nature of the sexes.  Mostly succeeds.

Sleeping Beauties: B-

2018

The Outsider: How can a man be murdering a boy at the exact same time he is at a convention many miles away.  King's take on a doppelganger.

The Outsider: B

Elevation: Short story sold as a novella.  Scott Carey is slowly losing weight but not body mass.  Though really the story is about his interaction with other folks in Castle Rock with the weight loss stuff as a side story.  This probably would have been better received if it had been in a collection of short stories and not trying to survive on its own.  The ending just seems monumentally naive to me.

Elevation: B-

2019

The Institute: Uprising by the people being used as guinea pigs in a strange secret laboratory.

The Institute: B+

2020

If It Bleeds: Four Novellas by King.  

Mr. Harrigan's Phone: What if you started getting calls from a cell phone buried with an old man?

Mr. Harrigan's Phone: A-

The Life of Chuck: Story of a man who's life is ending, but told out of sequence.  

The Life of Chuck: B+

If It Bleeds: The return of Holly Gibney.  Holly uncovers another 'outsider' and has to deal with it.

If It Bleeds: A-

Rat: Author with writer's block makes a deal with a rat.  

Rat: B

2021

Later: School kid can talk to dead people.  A cop uses him to save her job.  Things go south from there.

Later: B+

Billy Summers: Hitman takes a case to kill some bad folks, ends up helping a girl with problems of her own.

Billy Summers: B+

2022

Gwendy's Final Task (Written with Richard Chizmar): Gwendy's given a final task to save the world.  The world doesn't end, but the story does weakly.

Gwendy's Final Task: C+

Fairy Tale: Boy helps out old neighbor and finds out there's a portal to another world hidden in the shed.  Can he help save that world?

Fairy Tale: B+

[1] - You can read my attempts HERE, HERE and HERE.  Better efforts are done by the Loser's Club.

[2] - I don't hate this as much as some.  I think if you read it with the mindset that a lot of what Charlie thinks he's seeing on the faces or in the minds of others is just as much a creation of his derangement as his actions and reasons for what he's doing, the book is pretty good.

New Paradigm for Economic Systems

 

If you study basic economics, you will learn that there are 4 economic systems: traditional, free market, command and mixed.  Without getting too bogged down in the details here’s a quick rundown of them.

A traditional economy is one that places a huge priority on tradition and customs.  They are uninterested in innovation and growth and are more concerned with keeping things the same. 

A free market economy is one in which there is no outside control on what you do.  You are 100% free to decide what you want to do with your time, money, resources, possession and anything else.

A command economy is the opposite of that.  You have no freedom to decide.  Every decision is made by some form of central authority, probably the government. They control everything.

A mixed economy lies between a free market and a command economy with some freedom to decide and some control by an authority.

Three of the four lay on a nice, simple spectrum.   We have free markets on one side, command on the other and mixed in the middle.  

Traditional economies sit off to the side.  Because of their unwillingness to engage in other markets and their insular nature, they can often be effectively ignored.

It seems a pretty simple system.  Except it has always nagged me that traditional economies are sitting off on their own like some sort of unwanted leftover.  It makes things not so pretty or simple.

I don’t want to digress into a long discussion on political ideologies, but bear with me for a second. 

A lot of people look at political ideologies in a similar way.  We have a nice precise spectrum.  Liberals on the left, conservatives on the right, and the moderates are in the middle.  

Instead of a line, a better diagram is a diamond.  Because there isn’t just one axis.  The left-right axis is still liberal and conservative, but there’s a second axis with libertarians at the top and big government or statists at the bottom.  It looks like this.

This isn’t a post about government ideology, so I’m not going to into it any more than that.  If you’ve never seen this before, search a bit on the internet.  It’s easy to find.  The point is that what seems to a lot of people to be a spectrum on a line, actually exists on a plane.

Okay, back to econ.

What if there’s a second axis for economic spectrums? 

What if traditional economies are not some weird outlier that don’t mesh with the others, but are just another cardinal point?  What if instead of a line, the diagram for economic systems should also look like this?

The question then becomes, what goes opposite traditional economies?

The definition of a traditional economy says it is a system in which tradition and custom are most important.  They aren’t interested in innovation, but instead in continuing on doing things the same way they have always been done.

Perhaps then a working definition for the opposite would be an economy that is constantly looking for new ways to replace the outmoded.  In which a tradition, custom or method only lasts as long as it is useful.  An economy in which we are always seeking a better alternative and once it is found we abandon the old.

Except that doesn’t take it far enough.

I’m sure there are some who will disagree, but the optimal spots on both the political ideology diagram and the economic systems diagram are not in the corners.

An economy with 100% government control or 100% freedom is not desirable.  There are huge negatives to both.  Instead we want something in between.  There’s a lot of ground in the definition of a mixed economy, and we can argue about just how far to the left or right of center is optimal, but mixed is where we want to be.

Similarly, nobody wants to be all the way in the corner of traditional.  In truth, there are no true free markets or true command economies.  Every economy has at least some government control and everywhere has at least a small amount of freedom.  Similarly, I doubt there are any true traditional economies out there either. 

But if we use the working definition we just created of what lies opposite traditional and place that in the opposite corner, I can not only envision such an economic system, I can see it working.  It looks like a solid plan.  The problem with our working definition of what lies opposite traditional is that it’s too perfect.  If it was the opposite corner, everyone would want to be there.

Given all that, it seems the opposite would need to be an economy in which we favor innovation to the extreme.  It would be an economy in which doing things the same way would be discouraged.  Tradition, custom and old methods would have no value. 

In fact, doing things the same way twice would be discouraged.

“No economy could work like that!” you declare.  “It couldn’t sustain itself.”

Exactly.

There are no true free markets or command economies because in the long run they don’t work.  They can’t sustain themselves.  Somewhere in the middle is best.

There are no true traditional economies either.  Thus there also wouldn’t be a true opposite of traditional in existence either.  The ideal is somewhere in the middle.

Thus the opposite corner has to be the Novel Economy.  The economy in which new is best and old is always bad.

I was tempted to call this opposite corner an innovative economy.  But that won’t work.  Innovation implies making things better.  This economy wouldn’t be worried about making things better, it would be worried about making things different and new.

Sometimes new is better.  But sometimes the old way is the better way.

Thus our diagram should look like this:

The left-right axis is the personal freedom axis.  The further left you go, the more freedom you have and the less control anyone else (including the government) has on you.  The further right you go, the less freedom you have and the more control someone else (probably the government) has on you.

The up-down axis is the change axis.  The further up you go, the more you are concerned with keeping things the same and the less you want to find something new.  The further down you go, the less you are concerned with keeping things the same and the more important creating change becomes.

The best spot will be somewhere in the middle.  Closer to the mixed zone in the center.  How far off the center and in which direction is the best is something we can argue about. 

Challenged to Post, "Without Comment"

[It's been a minute since I wrote something here, but I thought I'd put this out there so I could easily reference it later should it become needed.]

Someone has challenged you over the next X days to post on some media platform pictures of:

 - Your favorite albums of all time.

 - The movies that were most influential on you.

 - The books could you read over and over.

 - The [some way of pretending to get random things] photo(s) on your phone. [1]

 - The food you blah blah blah . . . 

 - The place(s) you would yadda yadda yadda . . .

 - etc, etc, etc.

Let's be clear, I'm not opposed to these sorts of things.  I most likely am interested in what you might have to share.  After all, the reason we are ostensibly friends on whatever social media platform this is occurring on is because we both chose to be.  Thus, I probably care some amount about you and am interested at least on some level about who you are, what you care about, and other parts of you life.

But here's the supposed kicker, you have to post them, "without comment".  

Though I'm probably reading more dramatic emphasis into it than is really there, I always imagine it more like:

"I was challenged to post this, WITHOUT COMMENT!"  [Dum, dum, dummmmmmm!] [2]

But the question is, why?

Why wouldn't you comment?  What point is there to the whole thing if you don't comment?

Oh, here's some photo that seems important . . .

 . . .but I've no idea why.

Hey look, they like a movie that 90% of people like . . . 

 . . .  what a non-surprise.

They've read that famous book . . . 

. . . that millions of other people have read too.  

Complete non-shocker, and honestly, I don't care.

Of course if you were to comment then suddenly I do care.  Because now I know that the reason you picked that photo was because of [something meaningful and/or interesting].

Or maybe it wasn't.  Maybe you just like the way you look in that photo.  Or you just want to show the world your cute kid(s).

Maybe you just like that movie because of that one fight scene.  Or that one line.  Or because of that hot actor/actress is in it.  

And I suspect that's one of the real reasons people are so pleased to post "without comment".  Because they have nothing to say beyond, "I liked this."  Because their 10 things are completely banal and in truth uninteresting. 

A second reason is probably that after posting and commenting on 1 picture of their kid/dog/self/whatever that fulfills the requirement of this supposed challenge, they would really have nothing left to say on days 2 through 10.

A third reason, and most likely to most applicable is that people are lazy.

So, before I wrap this up.  Let me actually challenge you.

The next time someone "challenges" you to post pictures of whatever "without comment", I challenge you to completely ignore the lets 'o', 'u' and 't' in the word "without" and to post them WITH comments.

Because let's be honest.  One of the main reasons you accepted this "challenge" is that you were hoping people will think the things you picked are cool/interesting/say something about you, and/or that you want people to talk with you about it.  

There's nothing wrong with that, so skip the hoping someone will take the lame bait of a pic with no comments and start the conversation yourself.  

I for one will be way more likely to: 

 - pay attention

 - think about what you've posted for more than half a second

 - post a comment

And if the person who challenged you complains about your changing the rules, just reply to them with a link to this post.

Challenged to Post "Without Comment": D-

[1] - This is "Pretending to be random" because: A) if the randomly selected picture isn't something you want others to see; or B) isn't cool enough; or C) you really want to pick some other picture, we all know your just going to pick whatever you want.

[2] - That's a bad attempt at dramatic sounding music.

The Loser's Club

The Loser's Club:

My three favorite authors in no specific order are: Dick Francis, Nick Hornby and Stephen King [1]  I own everything that they've ever written. [2] Moreover, I've read all of it too. [3]  That isn't really saying much for Hornby, he's not written that much.  Francis has written tons [4] but they are light, quick and enjoyable reads that you can finish in a day or two.  But this post isn't about them, it's about King (sort of).

King has written a TON of books. [5] And no they are not all "horror" novels. [6] A few are light and quick.  A few are dense and long.  Most live somewhere in between.  About a year ago or so [7] I decided to reread all of my King books in the order that they were written. [8]  I was also going to post about it on the way.  You can read the initial post here.  And here are my posts on Carrie and Salem's Lot.

It was at that point that my dedication to posting sort of died. [9]

But it is not where my reading stopped.  Currently I just finished Thinner and am taking a break before I read Skeleton Crew to read Sleeping Beauties. [10]

I know you dedicated readers of this blog [11] were real sorry that happened.  But have no fear!  Enter The Loser's Club: A Stephen King Podcast by Consequence of Sound.

Like some sort of divine serendipity, this podcast began in January of this year.  Filling the immense void left by my failings.  In essence it is a podcast doing what I set out to do, but doing it much, much better than I ever could. They started at Carrie and have been working their way forward.  There 33rd episode just reviewed The Running Man.  And in a near future episode they will get to the Gunslinger.

The basic layout of the podcast changed a bit since the beginning, but here is how it currently works.  There is an episode every Friday, but the format alternates between two types.  Every other week there is an in depth discussion, review and analysis of a Stephen King work.  And on the in between weeks there is a look at what is going on in the real world as it relates to King.

The King centered episodes usually involve talking about King's tweets, news about upcoming movies, books, TV shows and the like that are King related and sometimes answering questions from listeners. [12]  Book episodes have segments on how the novel was written, looking at specific characters, discussing the gory bits, discussing the salacious bits [13], looking at how this novel fits in and connects to the greater King Universe and reviewing any adaptations of the work. [14]

If that sounds like a lot for one podcast.  It is.  But it is awesome.

One of the things that sometimes bugs me about podcasts and TV/radio discussion/interview shows is that you know that you only have a set amount of time.  You know the show is limited to 30 minutes or an hour and you really want to hear person X talk about whatever it is the interview is about.  But then things get off on a tangent and while the tangent might be super interesting.  This is what's going on in my world:

Host: I'd really like to talk some more about that great new [THING] you have out.  But first, didn't I hear somewhere that you got a new puppy?
Guest: Yeah.  She's great.  She's a mix of a . . . .
Me: There's only five minutes left!  Stop talking about the puppy!  Talk about the [THING]!  AAAARRRGGGHHH!!! [15]

The point is you do not have to worry about that with this podcast.  If they want to go off on a tangent and talk about puppies.  Have no fear, there is still plenty of time to get back to King.   Plenty of time. Seriously.  Their current record is the second episode on The Stand [16] which is nearly four hours long.  And it was all worth it.

I hope they never change.

There are six or so different hosts, but in the current set-up only three or four at a time are on any one episode. I could spend time talking about each, but if you are wondering what kind of people spend hours talking about Stephen King and if you've bothered to read this far into this post and are still interested, the answer is that they are just like you and me. [17]

So far my only real concern with the podcast is the fear that they will quit making it before they get to the end. [18]

To sum up:

If you like Stephen King.
If you REALLY LIKE Stephen King.
And listening to people talk about his work sounds interesting to you.
You are doing yourself a disservice if you don't start listening to this podcast immediately.

It's great.

The end.

The Loser's Club: A+ [19]

Sweater nubbins.

[1] - There are days when I should really say four favorites and add Michael Chabon to that list, but this evidently isn't one of those days.
[2] - With a couple very esoteric exceptions.
[3] - With a couple of rare exceptions.
[4] - For the record I am including the books by Felix Francis in this grouping.
[5] - The Interwebs says 56 novels, six nonfiction books and several short story collections that contain most of his over 200 published short stories.  And when I say Interwebs, I mean Wikipedia.
[6] - Saying Stephen King is a horror writer is like saying Michael Chrichton is a dinosaur writer.  Except that sounds stupid.  But you get the idea.
[7] - I don't really remember and I don't care to figure it out, just accept that it was late in 2016.
[8] - Don't judge.
[9] - And when I say "sort of", I don't mean sort of at all.  I mean it died.  Shriveled up and faded away like Tad Trenton and no movie adaptation is going to save it.  (There's a King reference for all the real fans.)
[10] - For the record, I'm not just reading King.
[11] - Consisting of my wife and some blogbot in Russia evidently.
[12] - With other random tidbits thrown in for goodness.
[13] - Pound Cake!
[14] - Plus more random goodness.
[15] - Okay maybe I've over dramatized that, but you get the idea.

[16] - To further prove the point, they spent four episodes on just The Stand.  It was great.

[17] - Complete nerds.
[18] - Should that day come, it will be a sad sad day in my life.
[19] - Honestly, I actually get excited every time I realize it is Friday and there's a new episode out.  (Don't judge.) (Also 19.)

'Salems Lot

'Salem's Lot by Stephen King:

As amazing as this book is, the more amazing thing is that it is only King's second book.

Carrie is good, but the difference between these two books is stunning.  It's almost like it was written by someone else.

Don't get me wrong Salem's Lot is definintely a King book, steeped in his personal style and tone, but it is so much fuller and complete than Carrie.

If you somehow don't know, the book concerns the events that take place when vampires start to take over a small town in Maine.

It is downright creepy in all the best ways.

I've never actually seen all of the movie that was based on the book [1], but I've seen a few scenes from it and those have been good and creepy as well.  It's my understanding that the movie is well worth the watch. [2]

I can confirm for you that the book is well worth the read.

It is firmly couched in all of the standard vampire tropes, but also has some less known ideas about these creatures of the night that, if not actually drawn from actual myths, feel like they should be becaus they fit so well with the established ones.

One thing I don't like about the book is the bleak ending.  I know that King said when he originally started to write it, he meant for the vampires to win in the end, but as the writing progressed the story changed.  While the good guys do "win", it isn't much of a victory and I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Another interesting side note is how one of the main-ish character's end story is never resolved.  At some point, he shuffles out of the town and you don't hear from him again.  Which is interesting because nearly thirty years later King picks up the thread in an entirely different set of books almost as if he had known all those years before what he was doing.  [3]

The only other thing about the book that isn't the best, in my opinion, is how easily the main vampire dies.  Everything up to that point comes hard and costly to the protagonists, it's almost a let down the ease with which they finally do succeed.

Honestly, if you haven't ever read this book, you should give it a shot.

Salems Lot: A

[1] - Something I hope to rectify in the near future.
[2] - Which is often not true for King movies.
[3] - More likely the loose end in Salem's Lot was just that, which was just fortuitous serendipity years later.

       

On Writing - Stephen King

On Writing: (By Stephen King):

I was reminded of this book by an old friend and so I dug it off of the shelf and took a side journey from my other stack of books to read it.  I got this book years ago and I really don't know why I hadn't bothered to read it before now.

The book is divided into three sections.  The first is composed of several vignettes and stories from King's past that are intended to give a glimpse into his inspiration for writing and his becoming a published writer.  The second is King answering questions about being a writer and the third is simply advice from King to anyone who wants to be a writer.

I suspect most people would think that the first section would be very interesting, the second less so and the third probably downright boring.  I found all three sections to be enlightening and entertaining.

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time (or if you've just recently started and went back and read some of the old stuff) you should have sussed out that I'm trying to become a published author myself. [1]  So, it stands to reason that I would like and care about King's advice on the topic. But even the second and third sections have their share of stories from King's life, so even a non-writer could enjoy them.

I read the book with a grain of salt expecting his advice to be things that I either don't do or don't want to do or perhaps can't do, but by and large I was pleased to find that most of his advice are already common practice for me.  I don't edit my stuff in later drafts with nearly as intentionally heavy cuts as King, but then again maybe I should.

Really my only problem with the book is that for the most part its message seems to be a sudden shift in its message at the end.  Most of the book seems to be saying: "Go out and write!  I don't care who you are or what your experiences are.  Give it a shot!  There is no right way to do it.  Just do it!"

But then at the end there is a long section about a semi-fictional author's history of trying to get published.  Which while informative, didn't really say anything that I hadn't guessed at or heard before and seemed to flow counter to the rest of the books message.  This section seemed to be saying, "If you want to be a successful writer, then you'd better do it something similar to this."

There is also a bit at the end about King's experience from fifteen years ago or so when he was hit by a van, was nearly killed and the surgeries and rehab he had to go through after.  The books was finished while the pain of this was still ongoing and it seems to go back to the original message and perhaps with a hint of, "Writing is Life.  Don't stop" thrown in for good measure.  I promise not to stop writing, now if I could just find someone to publish it.

On Writing: A

[1] - I have written four novels so far, but have yet to succeed in finding someone help me get them from my harddrive onto a bookshelf.  Anyone know of an agent looking for clients?

 

Carrie

[Stephen King's books have been around for quite a while and I can't really see much of a way to talk about them without giving away plot points and such.  So, if you've managed to avoid finding out what happens in his books up to this point and want it to remain that way, I would advise not reading any of my write-ups of his work.] [1]

Carrie:

Stephen King's first book is pretty short and almost should be called more of a novella than a novel. It however was not the first Stephen King book that I ever read.  [2]

Long before I got around to reading it, I knew the basic plot and what it was about.  Girl has telekinetic powers and gets blood dumped on her at the prom, violence ensues.  It was hard not to know about that second fact, anyone who saw the cover of the VHS tape or perhaps the movie poster could easily figure that out.  I'm not sure how I came about the TK knowledge.

I've never liked reading a book or watching a movie when I know what's gonna happen at the end. So maybe that explains why I put off reading this one for so long.  At any rate, when I did finally get around to reading it the first time, I consumed it in practically one sitting.  This time around it took slightly longer, but not by much. [3]

I very much enjoyed it both times.  It is a simple straightforward story.  Meet the societal outcast.  See how the outcast lives.  Dump some more on the outcast.  The outcast explodes.

There are lots of books that are variations on the theme.  Mostly the variations are just what type of outcast we are dealing with and how successful (or not) the resulting explosion is.  This one also dabbles in the 'the outcast starts to rejoin society' sideplot as well.

For all of its simplicity it is a very engaging and well told tale.  I particularly like how King intersperses the story with news articles, court testimony and other things along the way.  I was honestly surprised to find out that he added all of that in the second draft as an attempt to make what was essentially a long short story into a sllightly short novel.

The story about the book goes that when he first sat down to write it, he was so unhappy with it that he threw in the trash and gave up on ot.  Only to come home and find his wife had fished it out of the trash, read it the first several pages and pushed him to continue.

Looking at it this time having read the many King books that come after, you can see that the unique Stephen King style and tone are already well developed and present in this book  The flow of the story and the characters themselves are very similar to even his most recent stuff.

Perhaps what is most interesting is that for all that the book is a Stephen King type of 'horror' novel, it really isn't a book about the supernatural.  Sure Carrie has telekinetic powers and sure she uses them to blow up the town at the end of the book, but the bulk of the novel and the real meat of the story have nothing to do with that.  At its heart it is just a story about a girl on the outskirts of societal norms that is pushed beyond the breaking point.  The story could be changed to have her lose the TK and instead simply shoot up the town and the message essentially remains unchanged.  Perhaps that is why this and many other King books are so successful.

Carrie: A

Movie Footnote: I've never seen the original movie made after the book. My understanding is that it is actual pretty decent.  Something that can't often be said about the film version of Stephen King works.  I believe there was also a more recent remake and if memory serves that one was deemed pretty terrible.

[1] - Which is a long way of saying, 'spoiler alert'
[2] - That would be Firestarter, but more on that when I read/grade it.
[3] - But as I already said, it isn't very long.

Stephen King

Stephen King:

This one isn't going to be much of a mystery when it comes to the ultimate grade, so I'll save you the suspense.  He gets an A+.

I once read a quote by  person attempting to put down Mr. King's work in which they said something along the lines of, "He's the McDonald's of horror."

I assume they meant that he's written quite a lot and that it seems made for the masses and thus isn't true literature.  If you ask me, in the end, it's not much of an insult.  If I could be the McDonald's of anything, I'd jump right on that opportunity.  [1]  Millions of dollars and millions of fans sounds pretty good to me.

Just because something is popular, doesn't make it bad.  Just because something isn't Moby Dick, doesn't make it bad either.  Stephen King books manage to itch some back, dark corner of your brain that needs a scratch every now and again.  Sure there are probably lots of other creepier, scarier writers out there.  I don't care.

I loves me some Stephen King books.  

As the Pook can attest, I literally own them all.

And I've read them all.

He is one of my three favorite authors. [2]

While Mr. King is still putting out new material, it doesn't come out nearly as fast as I'd like, so to get an appropriate King fix, I've made the following decision.

I'm going to reread all of them.

Yes, all of them.

From the really good (Misery, Salem's Lot, Firestarter) to the really bad (Insomnia, Tommyknockers).

From the short (The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon, Carrie, Thinner) to the seriously long (The [uncut] Stand, The Dark Tower Series).

and

From the tame (Eyes of the Dragon) to the downright creepy and dark stuff (All Dark No Stars).

And of course, I'll give it all a grade.

My current plan is to go chronologically. [3]

Feel free to read along if you'd like.

Stephen King: A+ [4]

[1] Heck, I'd be the Wendy's of anything.
[2] The other two are Dick/Felix Francis and Nick Hornby.  I own everything by them as well.  In fact if you are looking for something new to read, I would heartily recommend any of the three.
[3] I've actually already started Carrie.  I'm about 40 pages in.
[4] Told you so.  Also, I should probably be clear that I am just talking about the books.  Some of the movies are good.  I few are great.  Most kind of blow.  The TV shows don't fare much better.

Are You My Mother?

Are You My Mother? (P.D. Eastman):  I've always liked this book and recently have been reading it more, so I thought I would share some of the observations I have accumulated over the years.

First off, yes this is a Dr. Seuss book.  We had lots of Dr. Seuss books growing up and the Bear and the Bean [1] have the beginnings of a sizable collection of their own.

This one was not written by Seuss, but instead by Eastman who also wrote "Go Dog Go!"  Another classic and another one we read quite often.

Anyway on to the grading and comments [2]:

The cover: Simple enough cover.  Personally, I always liked the dog on the cover.  Much more than the bird.  Since the dog is only on four-ish [3] pages, I always felt I was kind of cheated by the implicit promise made by his appearing on the front.

The story itself starts on page three and let me just jump right in to the controversy and say that from the beginning it is abundantly clear that the egg the mother bird is sitting on is clearly not hers.  I realize that the baby bird that hatches later looks a lot like her, but nevertheless it cannot be hers.  Compare the size of the egg to the mother bird. [Picture] The egg is larger than the mother's entire torso.  There is simply no way that egg came out of that bird.  Trying to contemplate it brings up images from Stephen King's Dreamcatcher. [4]  And forget about trying to imagine what she looked like just prior to laying it.

From here the plot moves on with the baby falling out of his nest and going in search of his mom.  There's a few pages spent getting him moving and then we begin the meat of the story in which he runs into a variety of things and questions if they are his mother.

The first encounter is with a kitten. The kitten doesn't say anything.  Which is fine as it is very cute and just a kitten.  Except then you realize that this bird is literally minutes old and can already talk.  The kitten is clearly days, if not weeks, old.  Why doesn't it talk?  I've decided it is stunned into silence by the sudden appearance of lunch and immobilized by the variety of choices it has on how to consume it. Alternately, perhaps its giant staring eyes are meant to imply that it simply isn't that bright. [5] Whatever the answer the presence of the kitten gives the Bean plenty of opportunity to show off his meowing prowess.

Up next is a hen.  I've no real problems with the bird, except perhaps disappointed at its one word response.  The Bean has no real idea what a chicken should sound like and if you make some chicken noises for him he laughs in a way that implies he thinks you are completely off your nut.

Now the dog makes his big appearance. [6]  I've decided the dog's voice sounds like a civil war era southern gentleman named Beauregard. [7]

There's a recap of the birds adventure so far and then he come to a cow.  The cow clearly sounds like a snobbish, over weight, socialite dressed in a skirt suit and pearls in a tea room in Manhattan. [8]  I've no problem with the cow, though it is at this point you realize that this bird lives in a very brown world.  Besides a touch of yellow here and there and some even rarer splashes of red, everything in this world is the exact same shade of brown.  Bird, kitten, hen, dog, cow, tree, nest, rocks, shadows, etc, etc, are all the same color.  It is a depressing universe.

Now the baby bird begins to have a crisis of identity and we start to see just exactly who he is. [9]  Mentally pulling himself up by the bootstraps [10] he moves on in earnest and comes to the wreckage of an old car. We should note that the car is the first thing to not be mostly brown, but is instead yellow.  As a child this car always made me kind of sad.  I felt bad that it was left here abandoned and useless.  As if to point this out to the reader, in later recaps when the bird lists the things that are not his mother, the car is never mentioned.

The baby bird then meets a boat and an airplane, which have red highlights [11]. Neither are his mother, but they do finally let us begin to see just what voice this bird has.  It is clear that the role of the bird should be read with as much drama and pathos as possible.  He speaks like a Shakespearean actor trying, with the limited dialogue he has, to break the hearts of everyone who hears his plight and stir in our breasts raw emotion. [12]

The drama continues as the baby bird has his last encounter.  It is a steam shovel [13], which the bird names a 'Snort' after the noise the machine makes.  When he was younger the Bear loved to read this book except for this part.  He would actually try to get me to skip these pages because he was clearly frightened by the 'Snort' [14].

The baby bird is then saved as the shovel deposits him back into his own nest.  Only this brings up another problem with the text.  This bird has traveled quite some distance at this point.  He has passed four different animals and a wrecked car.  He's peered down into a deep valley at a boat on a river and then moved on to stare up at a plane in the sky.  Finally moving on to encounter the shovel.  He started out walking and after the cow he was running and yet, somehow, the operator of the Snort knows where he came from and where he needs to be returned to.

Is the shovel's operator the most eagle eyed person on the planet?  Able to spot small birds falling out of nests half a mile or more away?  It just doesn't seem possible.

More likely, I believe we are to assume that the baby bird has not been travelling in a straight line. Instead he has been spiraling outward from the tree passing by various things that ultimately are not what he thinks they are in a kind of "I am the Cheese" journey.  Such that by the time he meets the Snort he is still only mere feet from his starting point.  Who knows maybe the Snort is not a steam shovel at all [15] or maybe the bird never left the nest at all and the entire journey was a flight of fancy.

The book ends with the baby bird back in his nest just in time for his mother, who has been oblivious to the entire journey [16], to return with the baby's first meal.  She asks him if he knows who she is and armed with his newly earned knowledge, the baby proudly lists off everything that she isn't.  And having discerned all that, and despite never having anyone tell him or even use the word, he declares she is a bird and his mother. [17]

Despite the flaws in the book mentioned above, I, and the boys, still do enjoy it tremendously and I hope you will too.

Are You My Mother?: A

[1] - In case you've forgotten, go here, though the post is two years old now, it at least will let you know who is who.

[2] - In some cases I've found pictures of some of the pages online.  Here are links to two sites with several for those not fortunate enough to own this piece of classic literature.  Here and here.

[3] - The tip of his tail is on one page.  Not sure if that really counts.

[4] - Technically I've never seen the movie as I heard it was awful, but I've seen several previews so I'm pretty sure what happens in the book happens in the movie.  (For what it's worth, I thought the book was pretty good.)

[5] - Or maybe I'm reading too much into it.

[6] - Big being a relative term.  He only has two lines, but hey it's better than the chicken.

[7] - It's obvious from the text.

[8] - Also very obvious from the text.

[9] - More on that later.

[10] - Not pictured, but if they were they would be brown.

[11] - Clearly living things are brown.  Old worthless machines are yellow and useful functioning ones are red.

[12]This is particularly evident on page 42.  His cries to the plane of "Here I am, Mother!" should evoke images of the likes of Lawrence Olivier or Orson Welles spotlighted left of center stage, surrounded by darkness, on his knees, one arm reached up into the sky, the other clenched at his chest as he cries out in emotional pain.

[13] - Similar to an excavator, but not the same.  Also note how the machine is a combination of red, brown and yellow.  Given our previous color scheme, is it alive or machine?  Is it useful or used up?  It is all these and none of them.  It is a monster and as the book reveals, it is also a savior.

[14] - Which I never did.  Man up, son.

[15] - Perhaps it is a metaphor for how technology can help us realize our goals.

[16] - There is a comment to be made here about the bird/nut not falling far from the tree, but I'll let you make it on your own.

[17] - It occurs to me that perhaps I have misread the text and this last page is actually the lynch pin.  Perhaps the books is meant to be commentary on the self and identity.  A sort of Freudian/Nietzsche-ian dialogue on the id.

Finding a Literary Agent

Finding a Literary Agent: So I've written a book. [1]  And unless I am kidding myself and the people who were nice enough to proof read for me were all lying to me, it's a pretty good book. [2] Of course, I didn't spend a huge amount of time writing and rewriting the book to just have half a dozen people read it.  I would love to get it published.

At this point then, I have three options.

Option 1 is to try and directly contact and convince a publisher to publish it.  If this were an easy thing to do, there wouldn't be literary agents.

Option 2 is to self-publish.  I have not totally given up on this idea, but from what I have read, it seems to me this is akin to a last desperate measure and that self-publishing is essentially accepting that your book will never be published any other way. [3]

Option 3 is to find a literary agent.

One might think that this cannot be that hard of a task.  And I guess as I've stated it, it really isn't.  Let me clarify a bit.

Option 3 is to find a literary agent who is willing to represent you.

Those extra six words representing the stickiest of wickets.  Because it is easy to find literary agents.  There are literally books and books listing them.  There are websites [4] listing hordes of agents and how to contact them and what they are looking for [5] and they all have discussion boards where you can read about someone's desperate attempts to find a valid email address for the J. Q. Smith & Associates Literary Agency and does anyone know for sure that they aren't out of business. 

Oh but finding an agent willing to take some time to even give your manuscript [6] a decent look over is like finding a four leaf clover. [7]

One of the biggest issues is the "Query Letter".  With one exception every agent I have solicited or even thought about soliciting is asking for a query letter.  This is basically a one page letter in which you have to summarize what your book is about and who you are and what writing accomplishments you have to your name.  But you have to do it in such a way that your query letter stands out from the other six thousand query letters the agency also received . . . today. [8]

Here's the problem with that.  That's not my forte.  If I were good at saying things in short, brief, one page letters that made the story [9] sound amazing, I wouldn't be writing several hundred page novels. It's not in my skill set.  It's probably not in most authors skill sets.  And I can say this with some assurance because there are literally dozens of books and websites our there just about how to write the perfect query letter.

But even if I could dedicate myself to becoming able to write the best query letter in the universe, the truth of the matter is, I don't want to.  I don't want to learn how to make myself sound amazingly awesome-er than I really am.  I don't want to learn how to sell myself and my book [10] like I'm trying to convince someone to buy a used car.  I want to write great books.  I want to write stories [11] that make people forget their own lives for a few minutes and when they finish say, "Hey, that was pretty good" and maybe even, "I wonder what else this guy has written." 

Of course right now nobody is going to be able to say even that because I lack the perfect query letter. To be honest, I'm not sure I'd want to read something by somebody who could write the perfect query letter.  I think I've seen that before.  It was the pamphlet lying on the table when that company was trying to browbeat us into buying into that vacation time share. [12]

And so every few days, I dutifully spend an hour or so of my time tearing out another small piece of my soul and attaching it to a query letter and if I'm lucky the first three chapters or thirty pages of my manuscript [13] and I send them off either electronically [14] or by snail mail and you hope that one day someone might just say more to you than:

Thank you so much for your interest in [Name of Literary Agency]. While your project has much merit, I'm afraid I don't feel strongly enough to take it on in this tough marketplace. I wish you the best in placing it elsewhere. [15]

Of course I should probably be thankful I got that.  Most of them don't respond to you at all.

Maybe I'll go online and see if anyone else has gotten a response from J. Q. Smith and Associates.

Or better yet, maybe I could better spend my time writing a book.

Finding a Literary Agent: D

[1] - Technically at this point I have written three books and, depending on how you figure such things, either a novella or a long short story.

[2] - Granted some of those proofreaders were related to me by blood or marriage, but others weren't.

[3] - The picture of whatever self-published person Amazon is hyping on their home screen notwithstanding.

[4] - Plural.

[5] - Supposedly.

[6] - Technical term.  Nobody is looking for books, they all want manuscripts.

[7] - In the Sahara.

[8] - Granted 6,000 is just my estimation, but based upon the websites and books and upon the rejection letters I've received, this is, if anything, a conservative number.

[9] - And myself

[10] - Oops sorry, I meant manuscript.

[11] - That are longer than just one page.

[12] - And yes, I was totally just there to get free tickets to Disney World.

[13] - Not that I believe anyone actually reads them.

[14] - For faster more efficient rejection.

[15] - With the exception of removing the name of the agency, that is a direct quote of a complete, and I'm sure heartfelt, rejection.

The Unofficial Guide Walt Disney World 2013

The Unofficial Guide Walt Disney World 2013: We got this book hoping it would be slightly useful in helping us pick restaurants for our trip. [1]  If it helped us avoid one bad meal, we figured it would be worth the $20 price tag.[2]

If you are planning to go to Disney World any time soon and they've doubled the price of the book, it would still be a solid value and you should purchase it immediately.  Simply put the book is awesome.

Granted a large part of the book is taken up with reviews of hotels, but that doesn't detract from it's worth.

A similarly large section is given over to rating all of the restaurants in Disney World and since the book isn't written or created by anyone actually associated with DW, they can and do tell you when things stink and when you should avoid them. Using it to pick the places we ate lunch and dinner more than covered the cost of the book.

It also reviews all of the rides and shows and tells you which ones are awesome, which ones aren't and which ones haven't been updated since the 80's.

But perhaps the best part of the book is that it tells you what rides to ride in what order.

?????

Wait you say, the book tells me to go ride a certain ride first and then what to do next?

Exactly.  And while that sounds like you are having your vacation dictated to you, what it really means is that you will get to ride more rides and see more shows.

For instance, are you interested in riding the Toy Story Arcade ride in Hollywood Studios?  If you follow the book (as we did) you end up waiting about five minutes.  When we went back later the wait was 110 minutes. [3]

Evidently, the writers of the book went to the park and watched and rode everything at all times of the day.  They watched traffic patterns [4] and saw when certain rides were busy and when they weren't. And then they put together several different agendas designed to maximize your time riding and watching and to minimize your time standing in line.

We spent six days in the four different parks at DW and the longest we waited (with one exception) was probably 10 minutes. Okay, let me hedge my bets and say 15 minutes, tops.

The book is very clear that to maximize things you need to follow their order religiously and that to deviate means you risk losing your ability to zip from ride to ride and instead get to stand in a queue like a sheep.

And if there are things you want to ride that it doesn't have listed or there are things listed that you don't want to ride, it tells you how to replace and deviate without hosing yourself.  Also there are several different agendas to choose from. [5]

The book claims that it reduces average wait time per day by about four hours.  I would have to say that it made it even less for us.  On most days we finished everything on the list with hours of time to spare.

Which is why we ended up standing in line for a longer time, once.  We had ridden everything and seen everything that we wanted to see at Epcot and it had started raining.  So to waste time until our dinner reservation,[6] we waited 20 minutes to ride the ride at the Mexican pavilion.

You could also spend a few more bucks to get more info and updated lists and wait times on their website, but we forgot to do that so I can't tell you how good that was.  But I can say that we didn't need it.  The book was plenty good.

The Unofficial Guide Walt Disney World 2013: A+

[1] - They'll be an entire post about eating at Disney World soon.
[2] - We bought it at Barnes and Nobles, it's actually $5 cheaper on Amazon.
[3] - No, that's not a typo.  The wait was nearly two hours.  What's more astonishing is how many people were willing to wait that long.
[4] - The traffic patterns of people.
[5] - Spending 1 or 2 days in a park and with or without small children.
[6] - That's right we were wasting time while at a Disney theme park because we had nothing else to do, in June.

Nothing to Envy

Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea (by Barbara Demick).

Imagine a world akin to 1984, Logan's Run or Brave New World.  The government controls everything.  Life is hard and often short.  Brain washing is so common and prevalent that it isn't even really commented on by the population in general.  There isn't enough food and what food there is is often plain and unexciting.  Not that the populace knows that their lives are odd or different, because they've no basis of comparison.

Outside of this dystopia lies a world where none of that is true.  People are free.  Life is full of fun and possibility.  The only brainwashing is advertising and you are free to ignore it.  There's an abundance of food and it comes in a multitude of varieties and flavors.

However, the people in the government controlled section aren't upset that they are being denied, because they don't know anything about the other places.  They think everywhere is as bad or worse than where they are.

Now realize that you don't have to imagine this dreary, oppressive world.  Because it exists right now.  It is called North Korea.

Nothing to Envy was compiled from several people who defected from North Korea.  Their stories have been woven together to create a tale that is at times so hard to believe you have to assume it is fantastical fiction.  At other times it is so sad and depressing you can't believe that such a reality can be allowed to exist.  Finally, it is so scary that it does exist and there isn't much anyone can do about it.

Sure if the people of North Korea rose up to overthrow their government, there would be plenty of help from the outside world, but they are so brainwashed and unaware of the outside world that it would never occur to them that they either could rise up or that they should.

Even if you are someone who typically doesn't read or even really like non-fiction, I encourage you to give this one a try.  Page after page is filled with stories that literally amaze you and stun you at the same time.

I could give a hundred examples, but to do the book justice I would just be reprinting the book here.  So instead, I'll just give three and hopefully that will encourage you enough to buy it yourself.

1) North Koreans are not allowed to hang anything on the walls of their homes.  Because every family is given a picture of the current leader to hang and nothing else is allowed to compete with that picture.  In addition they are all given a special white cloth that is to be used for nothing other than cleaning the picture that they were given.  Further, there are special police who come to your house for surprise inspections to make sure that the picture is hung.  It is the only thing hung.  And that it is completely spotless.

2) The North Koreans all believe that the Japanese and the Americans are evil and out to get them.  They are brainwashed from birth and have no reason to believe otherwise.  School begins every day with a lesson in communism, but the indoctrination doesn't end there.  All of the lessons from reading to math also contain and reinforce these ideas.  For instance the average math problem would never be what is 8-3?  Instead it is "You are walking home with 8 apples.  A Japanese soldier steals 3 of them.  How many apples do you have left.  Another example is that one of the most popular rhymes that small children sing as often as American children sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" is a song that talks about growing up to join the military so that you can kill lots of Americans.

3) The lack of food in North Korea is astounding.  The average North Korean man is something like six inches shorter than his South Korean counterpart, simply because of malnutrition.  When the one lady in the book defects to China, she sneaks into a building to hide for the night.  There she sees a bowl of food full of rice, fish and other things sitting on the floor.  It is more food than she has seen or eaten in months.  Then when she hears growling, she realizes it is food left out for the dog.

The book was completely enthralling from the first page to the last.  At a time when Kim Jong Un is threatening to attack at any moment, it is an interesting way to see what the average North Korean's life is like and to get a bit of a glimpse into the crazy mind of the men who have been leading their country down the road to ruin.

Nothing to Envy: A+

The Long Lavender Look

The Long Lavender Look: Having read a lot of non-fiction [1] and heavier fiction [2], my mind was aching for something lighter and simpler.  So I dove back into familiar waters and read another in the Travis McGee series.

This one started out in a way that made me think I was not going to like it much.  Travis and Meyer end up stuck in a town halfway between nowhere and the swamp.  All of the characters looked to be the Florida equivalent of swamp people and I was not too excited.

Except that in the time it took me to make that discernment, I had read another page or two and MacDonald had me hooked.  I read the whole thing in three sittings and in the middle sitting I only read about fifteen pages.

The story is about small town people who live near the swamp in Florida, but the story doesn't actually go into the swamp and while some of the characters had clearly been there a time or two, MacDonald doesn't wallow in it. [3]

There's murder and unsolved crimes and the requisite "love" interest. [4]  Drugs, solicitation, misdirection and the hiding of a dead body.  Everything you'd want from the tale.

At a couple of points near the end the writing got a shade to "implying" the action and less "telling" the action. [5]  And the ending was kind of rushed in the way MacDonald endings sometimes are.  Sort of like he either was tired of the tale or had hit a page limit and decided to wrap it up quick.  But neither of those things can keep me from saying I was thoroughly engaged and very much enjoyed it.

So much so that I'm going to start the next in the series as soon as I post this.

The Long Lavender Look: A-

[1] - If you're lucky I'll write about it.
[2] - If I'm lucky I'll finish it.
[3] - Like Reality TV would have.
[4] - Such as they go with McGee naturally
[5] - Of course it is just as likely that I was tired.

Moby Dick

Moby Dick:

Call me Mr. B Grades.  Some weeks ago- never mind how long precisely- having little or no money in my wallet, and nothing particular to interest me on my shelf, I thought I would go see about that watery part of literature that people often talk about but nobody has ever seemed to have actually successfully read. For instance, my brother has assayed the task twice and given up. [1]  But I've come across the first chapter in several places previous and have thought that I might be up to the task despite others failures.

And so I set out on my journey. [2]

The truth is, the story of Moby Dick, Ishmael, Queequeg and Ahab is really rather short.  But wait you say, the very version you have linked to is just shy of 600 pages.  How can you say it is a short tale!?

Well the book may be ~600 pages, but only about 150 of them are given over to any type of story. [3]  The vast bulk of the book [4] is nothing short of a primer on whales.  Identification and categorization of whales.  The biology of wales.  How to harpoon and kill them.  How to dismember them and then how to get the various and sundry things that one might be inclined to find in whales out of the them.  The history of whaling.  The relations ship of whalers and whaling ships to other ships and other people.  The economics of whaling.  And lots and lots of pages about why wales (and the sperm whale in particular) are awesome.

In truth the book should be titled: Herman Melville's Cetology Primer (Now with a free short story entitled Moby Dick!).

So, if you ever wanted to know how to separate a whale from his head or how to peel a whale like and orange, then I highly recommend the book.

If you want a story about whaling.  The actual story is pretty good.  But you've got to wade through a lot of stuff to find it.  In fact, a fair amount of what does make up the "plot" of the book, is merely a device for Melville to move from talking about how to boil whale blubber to talking about how to throw a harpoon.

Also the first 100 pages or so occur before Ishmael even makes it onto the boat.  So when you are all said and done the actual story can pretty much be summed up like this: [5]

A bunch of whalers set out to kill whales.
The captain is nuts and wants revenge on a whale that bit off his leg.
They sail all around the world looking.
They find the whale and it kills everyone except the narrator.
The end.

There you go.  And I didn't really leave much out at all.

Oh yeah, and Moby Dick himself is only in about 10 pages tops. [6]

Moby Dick: B-
Herman Melville's Cetology Primer: A-

[1] - And it seems to me that is twice more than 99.9% of the rest of the population.
[2] - Of reading the book.  The journey to get the book was a simple one of walking to the bookshelf in the garage.
[3] - And I'm probably being generous by saying 150.
[4] - And boy is it bulky.
[5] - Warning huge spoiler ahead!  Not that you're going to read the thing anyway.
[6] - And it's the last ten pages.


 P.S. - You can get the book on Kindle for free.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Book & Movie)

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Book & Movie):  Stieg Larsson is the Swedish author who wrote the novel and its two sequels.  If you are anxiously awaiting his next novel, you're going to have a long wait. [1]  Hopefully something that you did know is that in 2012 they made a movie out of the novel.  The movie starred Daniel Craig. [2]  The novel starred whoever you pictured in your mind as the lead character.  Since I saw the movie before I read the book, Daniel Craig got the spot by default.

For the movie, the screenwriter stuck very close to the source material.  Which isn't always true. [3]  Which means that every scene in the movie is nearly identical to the same scene in the book.  [4]  What it doesn't mean is that everything that happened in the book is portrayed in the movie.  Large swaths of material [5] are left out of the movie.  But the movie doesn't suffer too badly for it as long as you are fine with missing out on a lot of the motivation and inner thoughts of the characters. [6] Also the bulk of the story line surrounding Blomkvist's trial and what happens later is completely missing.  Which is understandable as keeping it in would have made the movie twice as long.

Of course they could have saved some time by not expanding on the scene in which Salander beats up her social worker. [7]  Watching that scene in the movie just made me cringe.  When I started to get close to that part in the book, I was mentally gearing myself up for the worst, but the book was completely tame in comparison.

I must also admit that in the movie there were a couple of times in which several minutes were devoted to showing us all of the pictures that Blomkvist was sorting through.  I had no real problem with the pictures themselves, I just wish it had been a bit clearer what it was we were looking for.  The book does a much better job of that.

I'm looking forward to reading the second book in the trilogy and I believe that they are making a movie out of that as well . . . checking the Interweb . . . confirmed, but no dates mentioned as of yet.  I will probably try to see the movie when it comes out.  [8]

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo [Book] - A
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo [Movie] - B [9]

[1] - He's dead.
[2] - Yes, he's current James Bond.  Yes, he totally did jump out of a helicopter with the Queen of England during the Olympics. That really happened.
[3] - Lawnmower Man and Running Man to name two off of the top of my head.
[4] - Unless of course you have an over active imagination, in which case all bets are off.
[5] - Could make a really big dress.
[6] - Long scenes of people thinking don't make good cinema
[7] - Granted he had it coming.
[8] - I suspect the Pook will not as she found the first to be too off putting.
[9] - Yeah, I didn't need to see all that.