Thursday, July 26, 2012


Sizzlean: This is actually a product that no longer exists, but I was recently reminded of it so here you go.

Sizzlean was the result of some genius' idea to make a substitute for bacon.  If there was ever an idea that was doomed from the start it was this one.  Attention food scientist dude, there is no need for a substitute for bacon.  Bacon is awesome and wonderful.[1]

The big selling point was that it was an improvement on bacon because it was a lot leaner than bacon[2].  Again, you can't improve on perfection so don't try.  The big downside to Sizzlean was that it looked and felt like stiff wet cardboard.  It didn't taste much better.

When it was cooking instead of filling your house with the wonderful smell of bacon it filled your house with the hideous smell of bad.

Now this may be false but in my memory at one point they introduced a second version that was Beef Sizzlean. [3]  Which would mean it had all of the bad points of Sizzlean but also contained no pig.

 Sizzlean: F

[1] - Another attempt to create a bacon subsitute resulted in Bacos.  Which while also failing to be bacon did succeed in making something sort of tasty.
[2] - Sizzlean ended up being something like 35% fat anyway, so at best it could be said to possibly be healthier than bacon but definitely still not healthy.
[3] - The Interweb tells me that original Sizzlean was a "cured meat product".  Now that does sound tasty! Not.


  1. How could anyone forget the catchphrase: "Don't sizzle fat, SIZZLEAN!"

  2. Ah yes. Yet another slogan that fails utterly.

    Don't sizzle the fat? The fat is what makes it tasty?!

    If you are starting from the point of "I want bacon." (And of course you are.) Then you've sort of already moved past the "How can I not have fat" stage of things.