Thursday, April 19, 2012

Grape Nuts Cereal

Post Grape-Nuts Cereal: I talked about loving cereal several posts ago, but I haven't actually graded any specific cereals.  So I thought I would do that and I will start with Grape Nuts*.  (In the interest of full disclosure and for reasons that will become evident momentarily (in the next sentence actually), this is another of those grades in which I haven't actually eaten the food in a long time.)  Grape Nuts are nasty.  In fact, Grape Nuts aren't even actually cereal.  Grape Nuts are rocks posing as cereal.  In my entire life, I have never actually met someone who honestly likes Grape Nuts.  Though I guess the fact that it is still for sale is a testament that somebody must be buying the stuff.  My theory is that because of its "rock like" consistency** it never actually goes bad.  So every year or so they take the old boxes that are starting to show wear and pour the cereal back into a fresh new box. Alternately, it could be that they are so cheap to produce*** that they can afford to get by only selling one box every other month or so.  I suspect these situations play out like this.  Some unsuspecting person looking for something new in the realm of cereal goodness spies the box of Grape Nuts sitting on the top shelf of the aisle along with other similar ultra-healthy, colon cleansing cereals and thinks, "That stuff's been around forever.  It must be pretty good!"  They buy a box of it.  Take it home and pour out a bowl.  Add milk.  Scoop up a spoonful and then proceed to send themselves straight to the emergency dentist by attempting to chew it.  I know you think I'm just using some hyperbole here, but this stuff is really just a box of rocks.  I have no idea why the word 'grape' appears in its title, because there isn't anything grape about the stuff.  And while there are supposedly nuts in it, if there actually are then it must be the shells of nuts and not the actual meat of the nut.  Now I know what some of you are saying.  Some of you are saying, but my cousin Fred loves the stuff!  Really?  Have you ever actually seen him eating it?  I thought not.  Others of you are saying, No, Mr. B.  What you need to do is pour milk on it and then heat it in the microwave.  Then it gets wonderful and warm and mushy like oatmeal.  Clearly, you missed the post about oatmeal.

Grape Nuts: F

* - Don't ask me why Grape Nuts got to go first.  Just what popped into my head.
** - Read this as: "Because they are rocks."
*** - Because really scooping some rocks out of a gravel pit can't be that expensive.


  1. I appreciate your passion for I too share! But I have to respectfully take another POV here on Grape Nuts. I understand they're not so satisfying for your palate. But that's your palate. Albeit an acquired taste, if I had to pick one cereal to eat, and one alone, it would be good 'ole GN. Why?

    1. They're healthy (and wholesome)
    2. They're filling—One half cup of the stuff can sometimes hold me until close to dinner. So if you're counting calories, or trying to maintain a weight— or even lose some—in my experience GN works great.
    3. They're Robust—maintain freshness with even minimal storage care. Just fold up the inner bag well, and they'll last until the Cubs win the World Series (which might be sooner than anybody actually thought these days ;-)
    4. They're Versatile—a great texture enhancement to salads, oatmeal, ice cream, and on yogurt? Don't even get me started. And if you let them soak in milk until a little mushy...they take on an almost sweet, kind of malty flavor.
    5. Economical—not the lowest cost cereal, but it's plenty of bang for the buck. Buy the generic knock off, (like at Walmart) and the thrift of it gets all the better.
    6. Cleans Out The Pipes—we're talking of the southern hemisphere ones (iYKwIM).

    So there you go. Grape Nuts. In my book, I'd call 'em Great Nuts.

  2. You make lots of cogent points beenolas, but:

    1 - healthy does not necessarily equal tasty
    2 - of course they are filling. Rocks don't dissolve
    3 - of course they are robust. Rocks don't spoil
    4 - Versatile? Can't say that that is a quality I typically put high on the list of rating a food, but sure you can add them to anything and then you can throw it away.
    Also, I believe I discussed the mushy problem. See also the link to the oatmeal post.
    5 - Also discussed and handled in the post. Rocks are cheap. Check!
    6 - As to cleaning out the pipes, so does a colon cleanse.

    I'm afraid we will just have to agree to disagree on this one.