Rating Stephen King's Bibliography

I gave this a shot once before. [1]  But I'm giving it another go.  Albeit in a shorter per item format that's different from my usual set-up.

I'm going to have short, one or two line reviews of everything thing the King has ever done.  Adding new things as I read them.

As previously noted elsewhere, I started working my way through King's canon late in 2016.

1974

Carrie: Telekinetic girl gets teased until she snaps and runs rampant.  Simply amazing.  To think this is a first book makes it even more so.  It's tense in all the right places. Read this one multiple times.

Carrie: A

1975

Salem's Lot: Vampires invade small town.  Things go poorly for the town.  Great ensemble cast.  Fantastic writing really fleshing out the town.  Classic vampire story from classic King.

Salem's Lot: A

1977

The Shining: Alcoholic plus family locked for winter in haunted hotel in the mountains.  Creepy as all get out.  Alcoholic changes which side he's on.  Danny in the playground is downright terrifying.

The Shining: A

Rage: The first Bachman book.  Insane teenager takes high school hostage.  Lots of explaining.  Sort of a Catcher in the Rye but Holden goes off the deep end.  Not so great.

Rage: C+ [2]

1978

The Stand: Plague kills most of world.  Good and evil battle it out using the people left alive.  Really long, but worth it.  The beginning is amazing.  The end is amazing.  Some of the middle's a bit long.

The Stand: A-

Night Shift: King's first collection of short stories.  Some of them are insanely good.  A few not so much.  Highlights: Last Rung on the Ladder, Man Who Loved Flowers, One For the Road, etc, etc.

Night Shift: B+

1979

The Long Walk: Second Bachman Book.  Kids walk in a competition where stopping means death.  Twisted and yet believable.  You'd think it would plod along, but it avoids that pretty well.

The Long Walk: A

The Dead Zone: Smith can see future.  Reluctantly uses power to save lives and stop killer. Realizes he's got to stop a megalomaniacal politician from destroying world, but at what cost?

The Dead Zone: A

1980

Firestarter: Test experiments on Mom and Dad lead to girl who can start fires.  Government agency tries to capture and control her.  Not too smart.  Starts to drag in the motives.  A sentimental favorite.

Firestarter: B-

1981

Roadwork: Bachman number 3.  Man despairs over progress.  Ruins his own life to spite the world.  Takes about as long to read this as it would to pave a road a road by hand.  Spend your time on the road.

Roadwork: F

Cujo: Series of bad choices and dumb luck allows a rabid Saint Bernard to trap a woman and child in a broken car.  Also somehow a commentary on women who feel/are trapped in their lives.

Cujo: B+

Danse Macabre: Non-fiction. King's commentary on horror in movies, radio, books and the like.  I really need to read the updated version.  Good insight from someone who knows the field well.

Danse Macabre: B

1982

The Running Man: Bachman number 4.  Man living in dystopia signs up for game show where he is hunted.  Great idea.  Well done in parts.  The ending isn't great.  The hero isn't so heroic.

The Running Man: B-

The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger: Roland begins his journey to stop the Man in Black.  More like a series of vignettes than a continuous story.  Didn't really like the first time I read it.  I was wrong.

The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger: A-

Different Seasons: Four novellas in one book.  They are:

Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption: Innocent man ends up in prison.  Survives until he can escape.  Amazing.  'nuff said.

Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption: A+

Apt Pupil: Boy discovers Nazi lives nearby.  Forces Nazi to tell tales. Both become twisted by it.  My memory of this was worse than the read.  Well written, but not something I will seek out again.

Apt Pupil: B-

The Body: The novel that inspire the movie Stand By Me.  Boys set out to see a dead body.  Their experiences along the way shape them more than they could have expected.

The Body: A-

The Breathing Method: Tales told in a gentlemen's club about a woman who gives birth even though she's essentially dead.  More of a long short story, but well worth the read.

The Breathing Method: A

Creepshow: A comic book collection of the stories that were made into the movie by the same name.  The stories are pulpy horror that succeed in being exactly what they aim to be an homage to the type of horror comics King read growing up.  But that doesn't make them necessarily all that good.

Creepshow: C-

1983

Christine: Boy loves car.  Boy loves girl.  Car comes alive.  Lots of people die.  But it takes a long [reading] time to travel the distance and the journey's kind of boring at times.

Christine: C+

Pet Semetary: Indian burial ground brings things back from the dead.  Doesn't work great with the cat.  What could go wrong if we do it to the toddler?  Lots.  A few dead spots but overall great.

Pet Semetary: A-

Cycle of the Werewolf: Quick story told over the course of 12 monthly installments about a werewolf coming to town.  Too short to have bad parts.  Good enough you wish there was more.

Cycle of the Werewolf: B-

1984

The Talisman (Co-wrote with Peter Straub): Boy travels the country to save his mother and a world connected to our own.  Evil twins in both worlds try to stop him.  Co-written with Peter Straub.

The Talisman: A-

Thinner: Bachman book 5. Gypsy curses fat man to slowly wither away to nothing.  Can he resolve things before he fades away?  The ending seams cheap after the journey.

Thinner: A

The Bachman Books: A collection of the first four Bachman books.  Look above for their individual grades. (Rage, The Long Walk, Roadwork, Running Man)

Skeleton Crew: Kings second collection of short stories.  Overall not as good as Night Shift, but still plenty of amazingly good stuff in here.  Highlights include: The Mist, Mrs. Todd's Shortcut, The Jaunt, The Raft, Word Processor of the Gods, Survivor Type.

Skeleton Crew: B  (fwiw, The Mist and Mrs. Todd's Shortcut are A+)

1986

It: A book about Pennywise the killer clown killing off kids in Derry Maine.  Only Pennywise isn't really a clown (and for that matter isn't really named Pennywise).  Also, the book is really about a group of misfit kids coming to terms with the reality of growing up and dealing with their own problems.  Any way you want to call it, this is a great book.

It: A+

1987

The Dark Tower: The Drawing of the Three: Second book in the Dark Tower series.  Roland gathers a group of three people to join him on his quest.  The book starts out rough for Roland and only gets worse.

The Dark Tower: The Drawing of the Three: A

Misery: Annie Wilkes is Paul Sheldon's number one fan.  She's also crazy and has him trapped in her house.  A page turner from jump this is probably my favorite King book of all time.

Misery: A++

The Tommyknockers: Bobbi Anderson finds a buried UFO.  The more of it that gets uncovered the better the aliens inside can control the nearby townsfolk.  Sounds like a great premise but this book becomes a serious slog.

The Tommyknockers: C

1988

Bare Bones - Conversations on Terror:  A collection of interviews with King from a variety of magazines and other places.  If you are into King they are interesting enough, but I suspect most people would probably get tired of them long before they finish the book.

Bare Bones - Conversations on Terror: B-

Nightmares in the Sky: Non-fiction collection of photographs of gargoyles taken by f-stop Fitzgerald.  King writes the long introduction. Not something you need to read, but interesting enough.  Not going to give this one a grade.

1989

The Dark Half: What if the pseudonym you wrote under became it's own separate entity.  What if it was trying to kill you?  Dark and grim story about just that.  King exercises his Bachman demons?

The Dark Half: B+

1990

The Stand: Reviewed above (under 1978), but 1990 was when the uncut version was released.

Four Past Midnight: Another collection of four novellas.  I'm reading this one right now.  Or at least I was when I wrote this.  They are:

The Langoliers: An airplane slips through a crack in reality.  Can the survivors get back to the real world?

The Langoliers: B-

Secret Window, Secret Garden: Maine Author gets accused of plagiarism by a strange man from Mississippi.  The truth of what is going on is thinly veiled and easily guessed.  The ending takes a ninety degree turn that both almost saves and almost ruins the story.

Secret Window, Secret Garden: C+

The Library Policeman: Don't forget to turn in your overdue books or the Library Policeman might have to come and get you. 

The Library Policeman: B

1991

The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands: Roland, Susannah and Eddie are together, but they still need Jake.  Once they get Jake, they lose Jake.  They get Jake again and now a train is trying to kill Jake (and everyone else as well.)

The Dark Tower: The Waste Lands: A

Needful Things: Curiousity shop opens in a small town.  The proprietor is an agent of evil who sells the town just what it needs.  The only cost is your soul.

Needful Things: A

1992

Gerald's Game: Woman ends up handcuffed to a bed, without nobody around for miles to hear her.

Gerald's Game: A+

Dolores Claiborne: Set as a long narrative by a woman who's tired of hiding her secrets, like what did happen to her husband?

Dolores Claiborne: A

1993

Nightmares & Dreamscapes: 24 more short stories from King.  Highlights include: The End of the Whole Mess, The Night Flier, and Sorry, Right Number, plus more.

Nightmares & Dreamscapes: B+

1994

Insomnia: Question: What happens when you don't sleep for a long time.  Answer: You start seeing things.  But maybe the things you are seeing are real and maybe seeing them will give you the knowledge to save important people.

Insomnia: B-

Mid-life Confidential: The Rock Bottom Remainders Tour America with Three Chords and an Attitude: True stories about what happens when several people with a lot of talent in writing decide to take their much smaller amount of talent as a band on the road.

Mid-life Confidential: B-

1995

Rose Madder: Woman gets away from her psychotic husband and tries to live a new life.  Too bad for her , the psycho husband is a cop who can track her down.  Too bad for him she's not the timid mouse she used to be.

Rose Madder: A-

1996

The Green Mile: A tale about the guards and convicts on death row.  Including one who has a magical power to heal.  

The Green Mile: A

Desperation: What if you been arrested by a cop from a very small town in Arizona?  What if he is actually being possessed by an ancient evil?  Also what happens when an author and his pseudonym write books at the same time?

Desperation: B+

Regulators (Written as Richard Bachman): What happens when the characters from a kids TV show come to life and start killing everyone on the block?  Also what happens when an author and his pseudonym write books at the same time?

Regulators: B-

1997

The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass: Two stories told at the same time.  In the present Roland and the others continue their travels.  In the past, we learn of Roland's adventures as a new gunslinger and the discovery of a plot to aid the enemy.

The Dark Tower: Wizard and Glass: A

1998

Bag of Bones: A writer moves into his cabin by the lake only to find it is haunted by some spirits that are only slightly nicer than some of the nearby neighbors.

Bag of Bones: B-

1999

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon: Young girl gets lost in the Great North Woods.  Can she survive or will whatever else is out there in the woods with her get her first?

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon: A+

Hearts in Atlantis: Five stories of differing lengths.  The longest is essentially a novel, the shortest is a very short, short story.  All a loosely stitched together by the characters involved. 

Hearts in Atlantis: A

Storm of the Century: The script for the TV mini-series of the same name.  Evil holds an island town hostage.  It's price?  Either one of the kids or all of the kids.

Storm of the Century: B+

2000

On Writing: A book about the craft of writing from someone who's done quite a lot of it.

On Writing: A

2001

Dreamcatcher: An alien invasion starting near a hunting cabin in the woods.  Four friends may be all that stands between the aliens and humanity.  Or maybe not?

Dreamcatcher: B-

Black House: The sequel to the Talisman finds our hero older and dealing with murders caused by a serial killer or are they being done by a haunted house?

Black House: A-

From a Buick 8: What looks like a car is actually a dimensional portal to a place where stuff isn't as nice as the cops who are tasked with watching over it.

From a Buick 8: B

2002

Everything's Eventual: 14 short stories by King.  Several good stories but any deficiencies in them is blown away by the amazing 1408.

Everything's Eventual: A-

2003

The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla: The Ka-Tet has to defend a town whose children are regularly taken by an unknown enemy.

The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla: B+

2004

The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah: Everyone comes to the "real" world to deal with various issues.  Some are protecting the Rose.  Others are protecting the author.  And Susannah's gonna have a baby.

The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah: A-

The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower: The Ka-Tet finally finishes its journey and get to the tower.  Well they get to the tower anyway.

The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower: A-

Faithful (Written with Stuart O'Nan): Two die-hard Red Sox fans chronicle a year of ball games.  As fate would have it, the book has a very happy ending.

Faithful: B-

2005

The Colorado Kid: Maine locals discuss a cold case in which a man was found dead on the beach.

The Colorado Kid: A

2006

Cell: What if cell phones could be used to take control of the mind of anyone who answers the call?  A journey of those who didn't answer.

Cell: B+

Lisey's Story: Widow of a famous writer discovers that her dead husband was dealing with a lot more than just crazy fans.  Only now she has to deal with the crazy fans too.

Lisey's Story: A

2007

Blaze (Written as Richard Backman): Gangster type with some mental handicaps tries to continue a life of crime after his best friend dies.  Things go about as you'd expect.

Blaze: A-

Duma Key: Ex-construction company owner has to deal with the aftermath of being run over by a crane.  Perhaps painting is the key to health, or perhaps it's just a doorway for an ancient evil to escape its prison.

Duma Key: A-

2008

Just After Sunset: 13 short stories from King.  Highlights include: Graduation Afternoon, N, and A Very Tight Place

Just After Sunset: A-

2009

Under the Dome: Small town is trapped under an invisible dome.  Survival is less a matter of food and more a matter of trying to stop the crazy politician from killing everyone.

Under the Dome: A

2017

Gwendy's Button Box (Co-written with Richard Chizmar): A short story about a girl who is given a magic box that will give you whatever you want, but at a pretty steep price.  Also a return to Castle Rock.  A tight story well told.

Gwendy's Button Box: A

Sleeping Beauties (Co-written with Owen King): The women are all falling asleep and not waking up.  The men are left to their own devices.  Testosterone takes charge.  Not a horror book.  Wants to be more of an adventure story combined with a  psychological look at the nature of the sexes.  Mostly succeeds.

Sleeping Beauties: B-

2018

The Outsider: How can a man be murdering a boy at the exact same time he is at a convention many miles away.  King's take on a doppelganger.

The Outsider: B

Elevation: Short story sold as a novella.  Scott Carey is slowly losing weight but not body mass.  Though really the story is about his interaction with other folks in Castle Rock with the weight loss stuff as a side story.  This probably would have been better received if it had been in a collection of short stories and not trying to survive on its own.  The ending just seems monumentally naive to me.

Elevation: B-

2019

The Institute: Uprising by the people being used as guinea pigs in a strange secret laboratory.

The Institute: B+

2020

If It Bleeds: Four Novellas by King.  

Mr. Harrigan's Phone: What if you started getting calls from a cell phone buried with an old man?

Mr. Harrigan's Phone: A-

The Life of Chuck: Story of a man who's life is ending, but told out of sequence.  

The Life of Chuck: B+

If It Bleeds: The return of Holly Gibney.  Holly uncovers another 'outsider' and has to deal with it.

If It Bleeds: A-

Rat: Author with writer's block makes a deal with a rat.  

Rat: B

2021

Later: School kid can talk to dead people.  A cop uses him to save her job.  Things go south from there.

Later: B+

Billy Summers: Hitman takes a case to kill some bad folks, ends up helping a girl with problems of her own.

Billy Summers: B+

2022

Gwendy's Final Task (Written with Richard Chizmar): Gwendy's given a final task to save the world.  The world doesn't end, but the story does weakly.

Gwendy's Final Task: C+

Fairy Tale: Boy helps out old neighbor and finds out there's a portal to another world hidden in the shed.  Can he help save that world?

Fairy Tale: B+

[1] - You can read my attempts HERE, HERE and HERE.  Better efforts are done by the Loser's Club.

[2] - I don't hate this as much as some.  I think if you read it with the mindset that a lot of what Charlie thinks he's seeing on the faces or in the minds of others is just as much a creation of his derangement as his actions and reasons for what he's doing, the book is pretty good.

New Paradigm for Economic Systems

 

If you study basic economics, you will learn that there are 4 economic systems: traditional, free market, command and mixed.  Without getting too bogged down in the details here’s a quick rundown of them.

A traditional economy is one that places a huge priority on tradition and customs.  They are uninterested in innovation and growth and are more concerned with keeping things the same. 

A free market economy is one in which there is no outside control on what you do.  You are 100% free to decide what you want to do with your time, money, resources, possession and anything else.

A command economy is the opposite of that.  You have no freedom to decide.  Every decision is made by some form of central authority, probably the government. They control everything.

A mixed economy lies between a free market and a command economy with some freedom to decide and some control by an authority.

Three of the four lay on a nice, simple spectrum.   We have free markets on one side, command on the other and mixed in the middle.  

Traditional economies sit off to the side.  Because of their unwillingness to engage in other markets and their insular nature, they can often be effectively ignored.

It seems a pretty simple system.  Except it has always nagged me that traditional economies are sitting off on their own like some sort of unwanted leftover.  It makes things not so pretty or simple.

I don’t want to digress into a long discussion on political ideologies, but bear with me for a second. 

A lot of people look at political ideologies in a similar way.  We have a nice precise spectrum.  Liberals on the left, conservatives on the right, and the moderates are in the middle.  

Instead of a line, a better diagram is a diamond.  Because there isn’t just one axis.  The left-right axis is still liberal and conservative, but there’s a second axis with libertarians at the top and big government or statists at the bottom.  It looks like this.

This isn’t a post about government ideology, so I’m not going to into it any more than that.  If you’ve never seen this before, search a bit on the internet.  It’s easy to find.  The point is that what seems to a lot of people to be a spectrum on a line, actually exists on a plane.

Okay, back to econ.

What if there’s a second axis for economic spectrums? 

What if traditional economies are not some weird outlier that don’t mesh with the others, but are just another cardinal point?  What if instead of a line, the diagram for economic systems should also look like this?

The question then becomes, what goes opposite traditional economies?

The definition of a traditional economy says it is a system in which tradition and custom are most important.  They aren’t interested in innovation, but instead in continuing on doing things the same way they have always been done.

Perhaps then a working definition for the opposite would be an economy that is constantly looking for new ways to replace the outmoded.  In which a tradition, custom or method only lasts as long as it is useful.  An economy in which we are always seeking a better alternative and once it is found we abandon the old.

Except that doesn’t take it far enough.

I’m sure there are some who will disagree, but the optimal spots on both the political ideology diagram and the economic systems diagram are not in the corners.

An economy with 100% government control or 100% freedom is not desirable.  There are huge negatives to both.  Instead we want something in between.  There’s a lot of ground in the definition of a mixed economy, and we can argue about just how far to the left or right of center is optimal, but mixed is where we want to be.

Similarly, nobody wants to be all the way in the corner of traditional.  In truth, there are no true free markets or true command economies.  Every economy has at least some government control and everywhere has at least a small amount of freedom.  Similarly, I doubt there are any true traditional economies out there either. 

But if we use the working definition we just created of what lies opposite traditional and place that in the opposite corner, I can not only envision such an economic system, I can see it working.  It looks like a solid plan.  The problem with our working definition of what lies opposite traditional is that it’s too perfect.  If it was the opposite corner, everyone would want to be there.

Given all that, it seems the opposite would need to be an economy in which we favor innovation to the extreme.  It would be an economy in which doing things the same way would be discouraged.  Tradition, custom and old methods would have no value. 

In fact, doing things the same way twice would be discouraged.

“No economy could work like that!” you declare.  “It couldn’t sustain itself.”

Exactly.

There are no true free markets or command economies because in the long run they don’t work.  They can’t sustain themselves.  Somewhere in the middle is best.

There are no true traditional economies either.  Thus there also wouldn’t be a true opposite of traditional in existence either.  The ideal is somewhere in the middle.

Thus the opposite corner has to be the Novel Economy.  The economy in which new is best and old is always bad.

I was tempted to call this opposite corner an innovative economy.  But that won’t work.  Innovation implies making things better.  This economy wouldn’t be worried about making things better, it would be worried about making things different and new.

Sometimes new is better.  But sometimes the old way is the better way.

Thus our diagram should look like this:

The left-right axis is the personal freedom axis.  The further left you go, the more freedom you have and the less control anyone else (including the government) has on you.  The further right you go, the less freedom you have and the more control someone else (probably the government) has on you.

The up-down axis is the change axis.  The further up you go, the more you are concerned with keeping things the same and the less you want to find something new.  The further down you go, the less you are concerned with keeping things the same and the more important creating change becomes.

The best spot will be somewhere in the middle.  Closer to the mixed zone in the center.  How far off the center and in which direction is the best is something we can argue about. 

Challenged to Post, "Without Comment"

[It's been a minute since I wrote something here, but I thought I'd put this out there so I could easily reference it later should it become needed.]

Someone has challenged you over the next X days to post on some media platform pictures of:

 - Your favorite albums of all time.

 - The movies that were most influential on you.

 - The books could you read over and over.

 - The [some way of pretending to get random things] photo(s) on your phone. [1]

 - The food you blah blah blah . . . 

 - The place(s) you would yadda yadda yadda . . .

 - etc, etc, etc.

Let's be clear, I'm not opposed to these sorts of things.  I most likely am interested in what you might have to share.  After all, the reason we are ostensibly friends on whatever social media platform this is occurring on is because we both chose to be.  Thus, I probably care some amount about you and am interested at least on some level about who you are, what you care about, and other parts of you life.

But here's the supposed kicker, you have to post them, "without comment".  

Though I'm probably reading more dramatic emphasis into it than is really there, I always imagine it more like:

"I was challenged to post this, WITHOUT COMMENT!"  [Dum, dum, dummmmmmm!] [2]

But the question is, why?

Why wouldn't you comment?  What point is there to the whole thing if you don't comment?

Oh, here's some photo that seems important . . .

 . . .but I've no idea why.

Hey look, they like a movie that 90% of people like . . . 

 . . .  what a non-surprise.

They've read that famous book . . . 

. . . that millions of other people have read too.  

Complete non-shocker, and honestly, I don't care.

Of course if you were to comment then suddenly I do care.  Because now I know that the reason you picked that photo was because of [something meaningful and/or interesting].

Or maybe it wasn't.  Maybe you just like the way you look in that photo.  Or you just want to show the world your cute kid(s).

Maybe you just like that movie because of that one fight scene.  Or that one line.  Or because of that hot actor/actress is in it.  

And I suspect that's one of the real reasons people are so pleased to post "without comment".  Because they have nothing to say beyond, "I liked this."  Because their 10 things are completely banal and in truth uninteresting. 

A second reason is probably that after posting and commenting on 1 picture of their kid/dog/self/whatever that fulfills the requirement of this supposed challenge, they would really have nothing left to say on days 2 through 10.

A third reason, and most likely to most applicable is that people are lazy.

So, before I wrap this up.  Let me actually challenge you.

The next time someone "challenges" you to post pictures of whatever "without comment", I challenge you to completely ignore the lets 'o', 'u' and 't' in the word "without" and to post them WITH comments.

Because let's be honest.  One of the main reasons you accepted this "challenge" is that you were hoping people will think the things you picked are cool/interesting/say something about you, and/or that you want people to talk with you about it.  

There's nothing wrong with that, so skip the hoping someone will take the lame bait of a pic with no comments and start the conversation yourself.  

I for one will be way more likely to: 

 - pay attention

 - think about what you've posted for more than half a second

 - post a comment

And if the person who challenged you complains about your changing the rules, just reply to them with a link to this post.

Challenged to Post "Without Comment": D-

[1] - This is "Pretending to be random" because: A) if the randomly selected picture isn't something you want others to see; or B) isn't cool enough; or C) you really want to pick some other picture, we all know your just going to pick whatever you want.

[2] - That's a bad attempt at dramatic sounding music.

Oreo The Most Stuf

Oreo The Most Stuf:

I had heard that these were coming out a several months ago and was intrigued.  The Boys love them some Oreos [1].  The Bish in particular loves the creme.  There has been more than one occasion in which I've entered the kitchen to find six slightly damp outer cookies from an Oreo licked clean of all traces of their insides laying abandoned on the table.

So when I was at Target the other day and I saw the Most Stuf's at the end of the register, I figured I owed it to them [2] to buy a pack.

When I got home as I unbagged my loot, Jude was close by.  He was immediately as intrigued as I was, so I knew I'd made the right decision.  We opened the package and each tried one.

If you haven't seen these yet, they are just your standard Oreo crammed with an extreme amount of filling.  If you look at them, you can see the individual levels of creme from several cookies laid on top of each other.  Some of them look pretty clearly like they have three levels of creme.  Though others look like they must have four.

Your standard Oreo has about 53 calories per cookie.
A Double Stuft cookie has about 70.
The Most Stuf have 110 calories per cookie.

If you wondered if you could ever have too much Oreo creme in your cookie, the answer is a definitive 'yes'.

Most of the creme ends up gooshing [3] out from between the outer cookies.  Not that it matters, because you can't really taste the cookie part at all.  It's just a lot of creme.

A LOT OF CREME

Not terribly long later I was sitting at my computer and I noticed that my teeth hurt.  Yes, that's right, the Most Stuf cookies made my teeth hurt.  I'm not sure if that means they are too much or I've gotten old [4], but I do know that I won't be eating another one. [5]

For what it's worth, Jude declined to have a second one.

When the Bish saw the package he laughed out loud in glee [6].  I'm sure if I let him he would plow through the whole package in one sitting.   Limiting him to two at a time, he's still managed to polish off over half the package so far. [7]

Oreo The Most Stuf: C

[1] - But then again Oreo is the best selling cookie in the world, so we could probably take that as a given.
[2] - I swear I did it for them alone.
[3] - Technical industry term.
[4] - That's a lie, I'm totally sure that they are too much.
[5] - By which I mean a third one, because I totally ate two the first time.  Science.
[6] - And I mean that literally.  He actually laughed out loud in glee.
[7] - Don't judge, he's got baby teeth.  They're going to fall out anyway.

Freddy's Frozen Custard & Steakburgers

Freddy's Frozen Custard & Steakburgers:  Every since they opened up a location near my work, I have been itching to go eat at Freddy's.  Today I finally managed to do it.

Early inquiries to others that had already been there generally garnered responses that were something akin to: "It's a lot like Steak & Shake."

It's not.

I personally find Steak & Shakes burgers to be pretty mediocre.  So much so that on the rare occasion that I do end up at a Steak & Shake, I don't order one. [1]

Freddy's burgers are nothing like Steak & Shakes.  Which isn't to say that they are better (or worse really) but more to say that they are a completely different brand of mediocre.

The meat in my burger had been smooshed so thin as to be essentially non-existent.  I didn't pay attention to exact amount of meat promised me, but whatever amount it was they got every millimeter of surface area out of that they could.  Much like the picture on the menu promises, the meat did hang over the edges of the bun by a substantial amount.  I'd rather they had taken that extra inch in circumference and added back onto the burger proper.

The fries at Freddy's were very similar to S&S.  Personally I am not a fan of shoestring fries.  So, I didn't find them to be that enticing, but if you do like ultra thin fries, these seemed to be of a serviceable variety.

Near the counter where you pick up your food, they had dispensers of "Freddy's Fry Sauce".  It is a vaguely pink/orange color that tasted to me like mayonnaise with a very small amount of ketchup in it.  Much less ketchup than your typical "special sauce" or thousand island dressing.  So it was really kind of just mayonnaise.  Which was okay.  But then again I like mayonnaise a lot.  However, it certainly wasn't anything that I need to rush out and get again.

I opted to switch out my drink for a shake made with their much touted frozen custard.  I got the chocolate variety.  When it first arrived, it was so thick that even the straw provided was insufficient to get any of it to my mouth.  And that is saying something as the straw they give you is nearly half an inch wide. [2]  A half hour later, after my meal, when I got back to my place of work, it was just starting to be drinkable.

The ultra-thickness of the shake was not itself necessarily a negative.  I'm fine with eating my shake by using the straw like a spoon if needed.  But the flavor was again, nothing to right home about.  It was completely ordinary.  Which given the rest of the meal was what I thought might save the entire Freddy's experience.  Because let's be honest, the real reason you go to Steak & Shake is the shakes.

The atmosphere at the restaurant wasn't great.  Nobody looked like they were having a good time or enjoying themselves.  This includes the employees and the patrons. [3]

As for the price, it was pretty high.  I got the number 1 combo, swapping a shake for the coke and it cost nearly $12.  For $12 I could have gone to Cheeseburger Bobby's and had a fantastic burger, great fries, a drink and a shake/sundae that was superior as well.

Freddy's slogan is "The taste that brings you back."

Not likely. [4]

Freddy's Frozen Custard & Steakburgers: C-

[1] - I often get a patty melt.
[2] - And yes, I measured it.
[3] - It was kind of like what I imagine the waiting room to purgatory is like.
[4] - Alternate ended to this post:  Freddy's slogan is "The taste that brings you back."   Add the words "to Cheeseburger Bobby's" to that and it's true.

The Loser's Club

The Loser's Club:

My three favorite authors in no specific order are: Dick Francis, Nick Hornby and Stephen King [1]  I own everything that they've ever written. [2] Moreover, I've read all of it too. [3]  That isn't really saying much for Hornby, he's not written that much.  Francis has written tons [4] but they are light, quick and enjoyable reads that you can finish in a day or two.  But this post isn't about them, it's about King (sort of).

King has written a TON of books. [5] And no they are not all "horror" novels. [6] A few are light and quick.  A few are dense and long.  Most live somewhere in between.  About a year ago or so [7] I decided to reread all of my King books in the order that they were written. [8]  I was also going to post about it on the way.  You can read the initial post here.  And here are my posts on Carrie and Salem's Lot.

It was at that point that my dedication to posting sort of died. [9]

But it is not where my reading stopped.  Currently I just finished Thinner and am taking a break before I read Skeleton Crew to read Sleeping Beauties. [10]

I know you dedicated readers of this blog [11] were real sorry that happened.  But have no fear!  Enter The Loser's Club: A Stephen King Podcast by Consequence of Sound.

Like some sort of divine serendipity, this podcast began in January of this year.  Filling the immense void left by my failings.  In essence it is a podcast doing what I set out to do, but doing it much, much better than I ever could. They started at Carrie and have been working their way forward.  There 33rd episode just reviewed The Running Man.  And in a near future episode they will get to the Gunslinger.

The basic layout of the podcast changed a bit since the beginning, but here is how it currently works.  There is an episode every Friday, but the format alternates between two types.  Every other week there is an in depth discussion, review and analysis of a Stephen King work.  And on the in between weeks there is a look at what is going on in the real world as it relates to King.

The King centered episodes usually involve talking about King's tweets, news about upcoming movies, books, TV shows and the like that are King related and sometimes answering questions from listeners. [12]  Book episodes have segments on how the novel was written, looking at specific characters, discussing the gory bits, discussing the salacious bits [13], looking at how this novel fits in and connects to the greater King Universe and reviewing any adaptations of the work. [14]

If that sounds like a lot for one podcast.  It is.  But it is awesome.

One of the things that sometimes bugs me about podcasts and TV/radio discussion/interview shows is that you know that you only have a set amount of time.  You know the show is limited to 30 minutes or an hour and you really want to hear person X talk about whatever it is the interview is about.  But then things get off on a tangent and while the tangent might be super interesting.  This is what's going on in my world:

Host: I'd really like to talk some more about that great new [THING] you have out.  But first, didn't I hear somewhere that you got a new puppy?
Guest: Yeah.  She's great.  She's a mix of a . . . .
Me: There's only five minutes left!  Stop talking about the puppy!  Talk about the [THING]!  AAAARRRGGGHHH!!! [15]

The point is you do not have to worry about that with this podcast.  If they want to go off on a tangent and talk about puppies.  Have no fear, there is still plenty of time to get back to King.   Plenty of time. Seriously.  Their current record is the second episode on The Stand [16] which is nearly four hours long.  And it was all worth it.

I hope they never change.

There are six or so different hosts, but in the current set-up only three or four at a time are on any one episode. I could spend time talking about each, but if you are wondering what kind of people spend hours talking about Stephen King and if you've bothered to read this far into this post and are still interested, the answer is that they are just like you and me. [17]

So far my only real concern with the podcast is the fear that they will quit making it before they get to the end. [18]

To sum up:

If you like Stephen King.
If you REALLY LIKE Stephen King.
And listening to people talk about his work sounds interesting to you.
You are doing yourself a disservice if you don't start listening to this podcast immediately.

It's great.

The end.

The Loser's Club: A+ [19]

Sweater nubbins.

[1] - There are days when I should really say four favorites and add Michael Chabon to that list, but this evidently isn't one of those days.
[2] - With a couple very esoteric exceptions.
[3] - With a couple of rare exceptions.
[4] - For the record I am including the books by Felix Francis in this grouping.
[5] - The Interwebs says 56 novels, six nonfiction books and several short story collections that contain most of his over 200 published short stories.  And when I say Interwebs, I mean Wikipedia.
[6] - Saying Stephen King is a horror writer is like saying Michael Chrichton is a dinosaur writer.  Except that sounds stupid.  But you get the idea.
[7] - I don't really remember and I don't care to figure it out, just accept that it was late in 2016.
[8] - Don't judge.
[9] - And when I say "sort of", I don't mean sort of at all.  I mean it died.  Shriveled up and faded away like Tad Trenton and no movie adaptation is going to save it.  (There's a King reference for all the real fans.)
[10] - For the record, I'm not just reading King.
[11] - Consisting of my wife and some blogbot in Russia evidently.
[12] - With other random tidbits thrown in for goodness.
[13] - Pound Cake!
[14] - Plus more random goodness.
[15] - Okay maybe I've over dramatized that, but you get the idea.

[16] - To further prove the point, they spent four episodes on just The Stand.  It was great.

[17] - Complete nerds.
[18] - Should that day come, it will be a sad sad day in my life.
[19] - Honestly, I actually get excited every time I realize it is Friday and there's a new episode out.  (Don't judge.) (Also 19.)

Arby's Buffalo Chicken Sandwich

Arby's Buffalo Chicken Sandwich: 

Arby's has a buffalo chicken sandwich and I have a quest to find the best spicy chicken sandwich in the world. [1]  Thus there was nothing I could do except head out to the land of America's Roast Beef [2] and not order roast beef.

When I was young, McDonald's had a McChicken Sandwich that I loved. [3]  This was before they offered Chicken McNuggets. [4]  The patty on the sandwich was coated in the same goodness that the McNugget would later get.  In fact if you took the McNugget that is generally round shaped [5] and increased its size and thickness proportionately until it was bun sized you would pretty much have it exactly.  You had to be very careful when you ate it because if it had just come out of the fryer [6] you were very likely to burn the ever-lovin' out of your tongue or to scald off the roof of your mouth. [7]

Though Arby's chicken sandwiches [8] as shown on the posters in the store look all bumpy and textured so as to make you think they might have actually come straight off some chicken's breast, the one I got was as flat as a pancake and bore a more than striking resemblance to that old McChicken patty.

Somewhere behind the counter they must have a vat of buffalo sauce and when you order the sandwich they much drop your selection in said vat and let it swim around for a minute or two. Which is just a really wordy way of saying that the patty on my sandwich was drenched and dripping in buffalo sauce.  Something, that when I initially saw it, I thought was a good thing.

The bun was different than Arby's usual bun, but if there was a taste difference to it, I couldn't tell you about it. [9]  There was also the obligatory smattering of shredded lettuce and some kind of white sauce.  The website says it is: "Parmesan Peppercorn Ranch Sauce".  I do remember there being one bite where for the briefest of moments I tasted something other than buffalo sauce, but the memory, like the flavor, is fleeting.

Honestly the whole thing tasted just fine.  It wasn't that spicy, but if you like buffalo sauce [10] this sandwich has it in spades.  Which is really where the problem lies.

My original intention was to eat the sandwich as I drove to my next destination.  I had purchased my food inside [11] and I'd opened the carton on my lap in preparation of heading on.  I was preparing to take my first bite before putting the car in reverse when the literal slipperiness of the situation became evident.

Remember, we have a flat as a pancake chicken patty slathered in an ocean of buffalo sauce with only a few shreds of lettuce and tiny dollop of white sauce to slow it down. [12]

In one bite my hand's (both of 'em) were covered in sauce.  That's because you have to use both hands to keep the patty from escaping the bun.  Take one hand off to get a napkin and that sucker is out of there like a greased pig flinging lettuce shreds as it moves. [13]

When I finished, there was enough sauce in the carton that I could have covered my potato cakes in them as well. [14]  It took two napkins and two baby wipes to get my hands close to clean.

This is not a sandwich to be eaten in a moving vehicle.

In the end it's too messy and not spicy enough for me to ever care to order it again.  [15]

Arby's Buffalo Chicken Sandwich: B-

[1] - You can read about it here.
[2] - Yes, Sir!
[3] - Yes, I know that they still have a McChicken sandwich, but the thing has gone through so many incarnations and reinventions that they are probably on the McChicken Mark XXII at this point.
[4] - There's a story that goes with this, but while this is the place, this isn't the time.
[5] - You were aware that all McNuggets come in one of three shapes weren't you?
[6] - Oh yes, it was cooked in the same grease as the french fries.  I told you it was good, didn't I?
[7] - You might be wondering what all this has to do with Arby's.  I'll get there.  I promise.
[8] - See, told you I'd get there.
[9] -  A lake of buffalo sauce defeats the subtle nuances of bread variations.
[10] - And if you don't, then why in the world did you order this sandwich?
[11] - The line at the drive through was ridiculously long.  Also the planet appreciates it when you turn the car off instead of idling.
[12] - I've never seen a buffalo sauce Slip 'n Slide, but I'm pretty sure I know exactly what it would look like.
[13] - This analogy has gotten a bit weird.
[14] - If I hadn't already eaten them first.  What? Did you think I was a savage?
[15] - Chick-Fil-A's Spicy Chicken Sandwich still reigns supreme.