Mussels: In previous attempts in the arena of mussel consumption, I have been less than thrilled with the outcome. However, the Pook really loves them and when she saw them on sale while we were grocery shopping, she declared that she was buying some and if I didn't want them I could eat something else.
Conceptually I've always rather liked mussels [1] and from time to time I like to give things that I haven't liked in the past a new try, just in case my taste buds have changed their mind. Also, there's the whole "setting a good example for the kids" thing.
So, today when she made them, I dutifully sat down to dinner and gave them a new try.
When the Bear saw the bowl of linguine and mussels he said very matter-of-factly, "I'm not eating that ever."
I pulled the little bit of meat out of the shell and gave it a sniff. It smelled neither good or bad. [2]
With the best of hopes and intentions, I popped it into my mouth and gave it a chew.
Initially the flavor was not too far from that of fried clams (minus the fried and adding in a LOT of salt).
I gave it a few more chews and the next wave of flavor came. It wasn't what I would normally seek out as it was quite a bit "fishier" than the seafood things I usually like, but it wasn't bad. Okay, I thought, mussels are better than they used to be.
Then the next wave hit me.
Remember when you were a kid and you ate something so nasty you would literally try to scrape it off your tongue?
I found that mainlining chocolate syrup helped a bit.
The Bear found the whole thing quite amusing.
The Pook got a double helping of mussels.
Mussels: F
[1] - I don't know why, but I suspect the Squeeze song is partly to blame.
[2] - Which I took as a good sign.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Days of Thunder & Real Racing 3
Days Of Thunder & Real Racing 3:
In case you don't know what one of these two things are, Days of Thunder is a movie made in 1990 about race cars. Real Racing 3 is a video game that came out this year and is also about race cars.
And what, you might ask, do these two things have in common besides the aforementioned race cars, such that they deserve to be rated together?
The answer? Nothing, but here we go any way.
Days of Thunder stars the real life couple of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Back when Tom couldn't fail to make a hit movie and Nicole hadn't yet had enough of his brand of crazy. It also has a slew of other famous stars: Randy Quaid, Cary Elwes, Michael Rooker, Fred Thompson, John Reilly and even Robert Duvall.[1] Not to mention a ton of actual stock car drivers.
Real Raching 3, doesn't actually have any people in it. Unless you count yourself steering the cars and thus has no famous stars [2] including Nicole Kidman. [3]
One big similarity between both Days of Thunder and Real Racing 3 is that neither of them has any actual plot to speak of.
You wouldn't expect RR3 to have one, it's basic premise is you buy and race cars around a variety of tracks so that you can make enough money to buy and race more cars around more tracks.
You might have expected DoT to have a plot, but you'd be wrong. Okay, perhaps I exaggerate I little. It does have a plot. Here it is in its entirety:
Cole [Tom] is a race car nobody who convinces a car dealer to sponsor him as a driver. In one season of racing, he wows the racing world and wins important races. Along the way he gets into an accident and falls in love with his doctor [Nicole] and makes friends with a driver he started out being semi-enemies with.
Done. There is no more plot to be had. And I'm not exaggerating in the least. Here it is boiled down a bit:
Cole races cars. Cole gets hurt. Cole meets girl doctor. Cole makes friends. Cole wins races. [4]
I'm pretty sure that is the initial plot treatment that they used to sell the script to Paramount in the first place. The conversation went something like this:
Movie Person: Here's the movie we want you to pay for. [Shows the initial treatment.]
Paramount: That's it? Hell no.
Movie Person: It will star Tom Cruise.
Paramount: Here's $50,000,000. Let us know when you need more.
Since DoT is about stock car racing, everyone ostensibly drives the same car. [5] Of course they paint them all different with big numbers so you can tell them apart. And so that they can sell more movie memorabilia. Since it is American car racing all of the tracks are a big oval.
In RR3 there are currently something like 48 different cars for you buy and race, including: Porsche, Audi, BMW, Dodge, Nissan, Bentley, Ford and Chevrolet. There are a bunch of different tracks and only one of them is just an oval. [6]
The change of cars and tracks keeps things interesting. There are also a variety of different events to complete, only some of which are traditional "races".
In DoT all of the races are pretty much the same. In fact if you pay close attention, you'll see that they keep repeating the same action in all of the races. Including the "bad racers" bumping Cole, the various crashes and spin outs and even how Cole nearly wrecks but manages to stay in the race. But of course, they change the cars and the numbers so you won't notice.
From a 'realism' perspective, one of the biggest problems with DoT is that the actual racing is pretty bad. Cole can be in last place and somehow in just a few laps he can pass everyone in the race and get back to being right behind the race leader for some dramatic last minute passing to win the race. [7]
From a 'realism' perspective, one of the biggest problems with RR3 is that you win most races by several hundred yards. The game claims that it carefully picks opponents to keep the racing challenging, but I think I can count the number of races that I had some dramatic last minute passing to win the race on one hand.
When DoT came out I happen to be working at Toys R Us and I can remember the frenzy among the car collectors as they tried to get all of the various replica models that were for sale. There was one set of cars by Matchbox or Hot Wheels that had both the stock car and the trailer transport together. Grown men would wait for hours around the store hoping that our next delivery truck would have a case of the cars in it and that the case would have the rare, limited edition, Cole Trickle black car. [8]
I wonder if those same fellows think back now and wonder what were they thinking? [9]
RR3 is completely free. You can download it on your phone or iPad whenever you get a hankering. Of course you can spend actual money to get more "in game" money, but if you are doing that, you need to rethink your use of disposable income. [10]
RR3 also touts its "Real Time Multiplayer" technology. Which supposedly is that the game records how you run a race and then when I run that same race, your car will be one of the people I race against. Only, I don't think it actually quite works that way. I say this mainly because I've run a lot of races in the game and I've never seen one single person drive at all the way I do. [11] Neither have I ever seen another car suddenly go running off the road for no reason. Which is also something I do from time to time. [12]
The best part about RR3 is that you get to drive by tilting your phone or iPad like a steering wheel. [13]
The best part about DoT is Nicole Kidman, but I think I already mentioned that.
Despite DoT's lack of plot and general cheesiness, I find myself drawn to it every few years and I end up rewatching it. And every time as it ends I think, "Man is that movie way worse than I remember."
Despite RR3's gaming flaws, I find myself drawn to it several times a day. If you happen to play, send my an invite on FB. You get more money for racing against friends and I have my eye on a new Bugatti.
Days of Thunder: C
Real Racing 3: B+
[1] - Yeah, I have no idea how they got him to be in this movie either. I'm assuming a boat load of money.
[2] - Unless of course you are actually famous, in which case, thanks for reading my blog, can I have an autograph?
[3] - Which is a shame cause she's a hottie.
[4] - Actually when you look at it, RR3 has more plot than DoT
[5] - Thus, "stock" cars
[6] - The Indianapolis Motor Speedway which is in America of course.
[7] - Which begs the question if it's that easy, why isn't everyone doing the same thing?
[8] - I was actually offered sizable amounts of money by more than one person if I would "set one aside" for them. If only it had been that easy. I could have completed my Ninja Turtle action figure collection.
[9] - I suppose it is possible that they sit at home looking loving at the shelf that holds their complete set of Days of Thunder memorabilia and marvel at how rich their lives are. Possible, but not bloody likely.
[10] - And perhaps go look at your Days of Thunder collection again.
[11] - Which is to say reckless and crazy.
[12] - Like say when a four year old jumps onto your lap in the midst of a race.
[13] - Hey, it's probably the closest I'll ever get to racing a Porsche so let me have my small pleasures.
In case you don't know what one of these two things are, Days of Thunder is a movie made in 1990 about race cars. Real Racing 3 is a video game that came out this year and is also about race cars.
And what, you might ask, do these two things have in common besides the aforementioned race cars, such that they deserve to be rated together?
The answer? Nothing, but here we go any way.
Days of Thunder stars the real life couple of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Back when Tom couldn't fail to make a hit movie and Nicole hadn't yet had enough of his brand of crazy. It also has a slew of other famous stars: Randy Quaid, Cary Elwes, Michael Rooker, Fred Thompson, John Reilly and even Robert Duvall.[1] Not to mention a ton of actual stock car drivers.
Real Raching 3, doesn't actually have any people in it. Unless you count yourself steering the cars and thus has no famous stars [2] including Nicole Kidman. [3]
One big similarity between both Days of Thunder and Real Racing 3 is that neither of them has any actual plot to speak of.
You wouldn't expect RR3 to have one, it's basic premise is you buy and race cars around a variety of tracks so that you can make enough money to buy and race more cars around more tracks.
You might have expected DoT to have a plot, but you'd be wrong. Okay, perhaps I exaggerate I little. It does have a plot. Here it is in its entirety:
Cole [Tom] is a race car nobody who convinces a car dealer to sponsor him as a driver. In one season of racing, he wows the racing world and wins important races. Along the way he gets into an accident and falls in love with his doctor [Nicole] and makes friends with a driver he started out being semi-enemies with.
Done. There is no more plot to be had. And I'm not exaggerating in the least. Here it is boiled down a bit:
Cole races cars. Cole gets hurt. Cole meets girl doctor. Cole makes friends. Cole wins races. [4]
I'm pretty sure that is the initial plot treatment that they used to sell the script to Paramount in the first place. The conversation went something like this:
Movie Person: Here's the movie we want you to pay for. [Shows the initial treatment.]
Paramount: That's it? Hell no.
Movie Person: It will star Tom Cruise.
Paramount: Here's $50,000,000. Let us know when you need more.
Since DoT is about stock car racing, everyone ostensibly drives the same car. [5] Of course they paint them all different with big numbers so you can tell them apart. And so that they can sell more movie memorabilia. Since it is American car racing all of the tracks are a big oval.
In RR3 there are currently something like 48 different cars for you buy and race, including: Porsche, Audi, BMW, Dodge, Nissan, Bentley, Ford and Chevrolet. There are a bunch of different tracks and only one of them is just an oval. [6]
The change of cars and tracks keeps things interesting. There are also a variety of different events to complete, only some of which are traditional "races".
In DoT all of the races are pretty much the same. In fact if you pay close attention, you'll see that they keep repeating the same action in all of the races. Including the "bad racers" bumping Cole, the various crashes and spin outs and even how Cole nearly wrecks but manages to stay in the race. But of course, they change the cars and the numbers so you won't notice.
From a 'realism' perspective, one of the biggest problems with DoT is that the actual racing is pretty bad. Cole can be in last place and somehow in just a few laps he can pass everyone in the race and get back to being right behind the race leader for some dramatic last minute passing to win the race. [7]
From a 'realism' perspective, one of the biggest problems with RR3 is that you win most races by several hundred yards. The game claims that it carefully picks opponents to keep the racing challenging, but I think I can count the number of races that I had some dramatic last minute passing to win the race on one hand.
When DoT came out I happen to be working at Toys R Us and I can remember the frenzy among the car collectors as they tried to get all of the various replica models that were for sale. There was one set of cars by Matchbox or Hot Wheels that had both the stock car and the trailer transport together. Grown men would wait for hours around the store hoping that our next delivery truck would have a case of the cars in it and that the case would have the rare, limited edition, Cole Trickle black car. [8]
I wonder if those same fellows think back now and wonder what were they thinking? [9]
RR3 is completely free. You can download it on your phone or iPad whenever you get a hankering. Of course you can spend actual money to get more "in game" money, but if you are doing that, you need to rethink your use of disposable income. [10]
RR3 also touts its "Real Time Multiplayer" technology. Which supposedly is that the game records how you run a race and then when I run that same race, your car will be one of the people I race against. Only, I don't think it actually quite works that way. I say this mainly because I've run a lot of races in the game and I've never seen one single person drive at all the way I do. [11] Neither have I ever seen another car suddenly go running off the road for no reason. Which is also something I do from time to time. [12]
The best part about RR3 is that you get to drive by tilting your phone or iPad like a steering wheel. [13]
The best part about DoT is Nicole Kidman, but I think I already mentioned that.
Despite DoT's lack of plot and general cheesiness, I find myself drawn to it every few years and I end up rewatching it. And every time as it ends I think, "Man is that movie way worse than I remember."
Despite RR3's gaming flaws, I find myself drawn to it several times a day. If you happen to play, send my an invite on FB. You get more money for racing against friends and I have my eye on a new Bugatti.
Days of Thunder: C
Real Racing 3: B+
[1] - Yeah, I have no idea how they got him to be in this movie either. I'm assuming a boat load of money.
[2] - Unless of course you are actually famous, in which case, thanks for reading my blog, can I have an autograph?
[3] - Which is a shame cause she's a hottie.
[4] - Actually when you look at it, RR3 has more plot than DoT
[5] - Thus, "stock" cars
[6] - The Indianapolis Motor Speedway which is in America of course.
[7] - Which begs the question if it's that easy, why isn't everyone doing the same thing?
[8] - I was actually offered sizable amounts of money by more than one person if I would "set one aside" for them. If only it had been that easy. I could have completed my Ninja Turtle action figure collection.
[9] - I suppose it is possible that they sit at home looking loving at the shelf that holds their complete set of Days of Thunder memorabilia and marvel at how rich their lives are. Possible, but not bloody likely.
[10] - And perhaps go look at your Days of Thunder collection again.
[11] - Which is to say reckless and crazy.
[12] - Like say when a four year old jumps onto your lap in the midst of a race.
[13] - Hey, it's probably the closest I'll ever get to racing a Porsche so let me have my small pleasures.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Dead Again
Dead Again
(1991): I get asked what my favorite movie is pretty regularly. [1] Though there are scores of movies that I love, I can never seem to think of any reply to that question except for Dead Again. Thus, I supposed that seems pretty strong evidence that this actually is my favorite movie of all time.
Which isn't a bad thing, because this movie is awesome.
Justify that, you say?
Okay.
A great movie needs to have great actors. This one has plenty. It stars Kenneth Branagh [2] and Emma Thompson.[3] If for some reason you don't know who these people are, I'm sorry. Please go rectify that immediately. [4] The rest of us will wait.
. . . .
Right, let's assume you've taken care of that.
Not only does the movie have these two amazing actors, they are playing roles in which they fall in love at a time when they are in love in real life. Which, certainly can't hurt your performance.
For side characters we have Andy Garcia, Robin Williams, Derek Jacobi [5] and Wayne Knight among others.
Okay Wayne Knight isn't what you'd call a top tier actor [6], but he's great in this pic. Robin Williams, who also can be in movies that are real stinkers, is great in this movie, in a sort of twisted, alternate reality, preview of the character he plays in Good Will Hunting.
Anyway, trust me the acting is top notch. Also if I didn't sell you at Branagh and Thompson, there's no hope for you.
Hopefully you've accepted the awesome acting, but we also need awesome directing.
Well, hey now are you in luck, because it is also directed by Kenneth Branagh. [7] What else has this guy directed you ask? How about:
- Henry V
- Peter's Friends
- Much Ado About Nothing
- Frankenstein
- Hamlet
- Love's Labour's Lost
- As You Like It
- Thor [8]
If I didn't have you at Henry V, you got some watching to do.
It's usually at this point that people ask me, "What is the movie about?" and no matter how well I've been selling them on the movie so far, no matter how passionate I remain, this is where the wheels start to fall off the wagon. Because no matter how much I preface the description trying to make them believe that it isn't a goofy weird movie, at some point in the description that's what they start to think. [9]
Branagh is a private investigator trying to help Thompson figure out who she is. She evidently suffered some sort of emotional trauma and can't remember anything or talk. They go to a hypnotist and through her remembrances while hypnotized, it becomes clear that she was married to him in a previous life. A life in which he murdered her . . .
I could go on, but it's around this point that I realize I've lost them.
Look, just trust me on this. If you've read any of my previous posts and thought even for a minute that I might know a little bit about whatever it was I was talking about, go rent [10] this movie right now.
You won't regret it. It's that awesome.
Trust me.
Please.
Dead Again: A++++++
[1] -If you do what I do for a living, it seems to come up two or three times a year.
[2] - Though you couldn't hear it, I just pronounced his name correctly.
[3] - Please, please tell me you know Emma Thompson from something besides the Harry Potter movies.
[4] - If when you begin to rectify that the words, "But I don't like Shakespeare" or anything similar should come out of your mouth. You are excused and can go away now.
(1991): I get asked what my favorite movie is pretty regularly. [1] Though there are scores of movies that I love, I can never seem to think of any reply to that question except for Dead Again. Thus, I supposed that seems pretty strong evidence that this actually is my favorite movie of all time.Which isn't a bad thing, because this movie is awesome.
Justify that, you say?
Okay.
A great movie needs to have great actors. This one has plenty. It stars Kenneth Branagh [2] and Emma Thompson.[3] If for some reason you don't know who these people are, I'm sorry. Please go rectify that immediately. [4] The rest of us will wait.
. . . .
Right, let's assume you've taken care of that.
Not only does the movie have these two amazing actors, they are playing roles in which they fall in love at a time when they are in love in real life. Which, certainly can't hurt your performance.
For side characters we have Andy Garcia, Robin Williams, Derek Jacobi [5] and Wayne Knight among others.
Okay Wayne Knight isn't what you'd call a top tier actor [6], but he's great in this pic. Robin Williams, who also can be in movies that are real stinkers, is great in this movie, in a sort of twisted, alternate reality, preview of the character he plays in Good Will Hunting.
Anyway, trust me the acting is top notch. Also if I didn't sell you at Branagh and Thompson, there's no hope for you.
Hopefully you've accepted the awesome acting, but we also need awesome directing.
Well, hey now are you in luck, because it is also directed by Kenneth Branagh. [7] What else has this guy directed you ask? How about:
- Henry V
- Peter's Friends
- Much Ado About Nothing
- Frankenstein
- Hamlet
- Love's Labour's Lost
- As You Like It
- Thor [8]
If I didn't have you at Henry V, you got some watching to do.
It's usually at this point that people ask me, "What is the movie about?" and no matter how well I've been selling them on the movie so far, no matter how passionate I remain, this is where the wheels start to fall off the wagon. Because no matter how much I preface the description trying to make them believe that it isn't a goofy weird movie, at some point in the description that's what they start to think. [9]
Branagh is a private investigator trying to help Thompson figure out who she is. She evidently suffered some sort of emotional trauma and can't remember anything or talk. They go to a hypnotist and through her remembrances while hypnotized, it becomes clear that she was married to him in a previous life. A life in which he murdered her . . .
I could go on, but it's around this point that I realize I've lost them.
Look, just trust me on this. If you've read any of my previous posts and thought even for a minute that I might know a little bit about whatever it was I was talking about, go rent [10] this movie right now.
You won't regret it. It's that awesome.
Trust me.
Please.
Dead Again: A++++++
[1] -If you do what I do for a living, it seems to come up two or three times a year.
[2] - Though you couldn't hear it, I just pronounced his name correctly.
[3] - Please, please tell me you know Emma Thompson from something besides the Harry Potter movies.
[4] - If when you begin to rectify that the words, "But I don't like Shakespeare" or anything similar should come out of your mouth. You are excused and can go away now.
[5] - He's the guy I always think looks like Harvey Korman, but if you saw him you'd know who he is.
[6] - Newman. (Yes, I just said that in the right voice.)
[7] - Okay, I admit it. I'm a huge Branagh fan. And yes, I'm still pronouncing his name right.
[8] - If the only movie you have seen on this list is Thor, please do yourself a favor and fix that as soon as is humanly possible.
[9] - In this description it will begin to happen at word 33 and by word 51 it will all be over.
[10] - Or better yet, buy.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
A Probable Turning Point
The Bear found a lady bug in the back yard.
He brought it inside and showed mom and dad.
He received a bug jar with a magnifying top from his grandmother and having failed previously to catch anything worthy of study (or anything at all for that matter), I suggested he put the lady bug in the jar and get a good look at it.
All was well in the world.
When it was time to come inside, we reminded him that he needed to let the lady bug go.
Why? he asked.
Because if you don't the lady bug will die.
I don't want to. He's my pet.
Said with the beginnings of a quiver in the voice and impending tears on the lids.
You have to Bear. If you keep him in the jar, he'll starve to death and die.
More than able to empathize and vaguely able to summon the vestiges of my own memories in similar situations, I attempted to make the release into something more than dumping a bug back into the garden.
The effort had minimal effect
And then seven words I never saw coming and never knew I would dread so much to hear
I want a pet of my own.
The quiver now fully evidenced and the tears now flowing.
This is not going to end well.
He brought it inside and showed mom and dad.
He received a bug jar with a magnifying top from his grandmother and having failed previously to catch anything worthy of study (or anything at all for that matter), I suggested he put the lady bug in the jar and get a good look at it.
All was well in the world.
When it was time to come inside, we reminded him that he needed to let the lady bug go.
Why? he asked.
Because if you don't the lady bug will die.
I don't want to. He's my pet.
Said with the beginnings of a quiver in the voice and impending tears on the lids.
You have to Bear. If you keep him in the jar, he'll starve to death and die.
More than able to empathize and vaguely able to summon the vestiges of my own memories in similar situations, I attempted to make the release into something more than dumping a bug back into the garden.
The effort had minimal effect
And then seven words I never saw coming and never knew I would dread so much to hear
I want a pet of my own.
The quiver now fully evidenced and the tears now flowing.
This is not going to end well.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Hot Dogs
Hot Dogs: As I am writing this, tomorrow is national hot dog day [1], so I thought I would give you my opinions about hot dogs.
As a general rule, hot dogs are awesome. [2]
Actually, as any kind of rule, general, specific, major or corporal, hot dogs are awesome.
I like them with various and sundry toppings and I like them plain. I like the kosher ones that have that bit of twang to them and I like the plain old non-kosher kind. I like them made of beef, pork or made of whatever combination of bits of meat leftovers go into making the really cheap kind.
Simply put, hot dogs is good eating.
I'm not really sure why they are called hot dogs. I get the hot part [3], but why the dog? Gut reaction says perhaps it has something to do with Dachshunds, also known as wiener dogs, but then again I also think they are called wiener dogs because they look like hot dogs. Thus they can't both be named after each other. [4]
Hang on, I'll check the interweb . . . grumble grumble . . . the things I do . . . [searching].
So it appears they were originally called Dachshund sausages and in 1901 a fellow making a cartoon about them being sold at the New York Polo Grounds couldn't figure out how to spell Hot Dachshund Sausages[5], so he just wrote Hot Dogs. In other words, he was too lazy to do a little research [6] and thereby changed the course of history.
I like hot dogs enough that I did some consumer research a few years back and tried nearly every kind I could get my hands on. For my taste, you can do no finer than the plain Publix brand hot dogs.
Believe me, I was doubtful at first too, but my research says you can waste your money buying expensive all-beef high falootin [7] dogs that don't taste as good or you can save some cash and get what tastes best. [8]
If you want to blow your diet and eat your entire calorie and fat intake for the day, you can get these giant hot dogs from Sam's [9] that are made by "Best". [10] They aren't foot long dogs, but they are easily the size of three or four regular dogs put together and they are awesome.
As much as I love hot dogs, I usually don't order them when I go out to eat. Mainly because I always feel like they should be priced cheaper. At any rate, that means I don't really have a hot dog restaurant recommendation for you.
I've had them at Five Guys and at Quik Trip and both are plenty good. But if you are at Five Guys and not getting a burger, you've kind of failed. And if you're at Quik Trip and surfing the rolling grillers for grub [11], there are other more tasty things to buy [12] I also recently had one in the Magic Kingdom at Casey's Corner, if you care enough you can see my review of that here.
If anyone knows of an amazingly awesome hot dog eatery, please let me know. But before someone mentions this one, I know of Brandi's but have somehow managed to fail at eating there. Perhaps I'll go there tomorrow to celebrate the holiday. [13]
Though, if you want to save a buck, "like" Quik Trip on Face Book and search through their posts from today. They will email you a coupon for a free hot dog that is good tomorrow only. And just in case you haven't been in a QT recently, they have a "hot dog bar" where you can put all kinds of stuff on your dog. [14]
Whenever I think about hot dogs and there composition of potentially mystery meat, I always think of this anecdote from my younger days. So I'll leave you with it.
My younger and brother and I would often rush home from school to watch some afternoon cartoons. [15] On one day we were channel surfing looking for something to watch and we stumbled on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. I've never been a huge fan of the show [16] but as it happens it was just at the point of this episode where the bicycle delivery guy was delivering a movie. So, we stopped surfing to watch.
The film was about how hot dogs were made. In retrospect, I have no idea how any sane TV producer thought this was a good idea. The film showed them grinding up meat into a pink paste that more than resembled off-color Pepto.[17] Then it showed a automated system where limp hot dog casings were squirted full of the stuff. It was perhaps they most disgusting thing I'd ever seen up to that time in my life. [18] It literally made your skin crawl.
Well the film ended and my brother and I sat in disturbed silence contemplating what we'd seen. After a moment he broke the silence by saying, "I'm never eating another hot dog again." I pondered for a moment and then replied, "Meh, I love hot dogs too much."
Hot Dogs: A+
[1] - July 23 to be specific. Which may in fact be today, yesterday or some time in the past for you. If you follow the instructions on the right side of the page on how to follow this blog, you could get notified the instant there is a new post. And honestly, wouldn't that be better?
[2] - You might think that having given you my opinion, this post would essentially be over. I think we both know that's not gonna happen.
[3] - Though for the record, cold hot dogs are might tasty too.
[4] - Barring some sort of incident involving a time machine that is.
[5] - God bless spell check.
[6] - Why does that sound familiar?
[7] - Technical term.
[8] - In my opinion anyway.
[9] - And possibly other similar stores
[10] - Honestly I forget the exact name of the hot dogs, just look for the retardedly large ones made by the company "Best".
[11] - Have you stooped so low?
[12] - Buffalo Chicken Rollers and the Jalapeno Sausage to name two. Clearly, I have stooped.
[13] - Such as it is.
[14] - Sonic is also having a hot dog sale tomorrow. $1 each for some (but not all) of their dogs.
[15] - Back in the days when cartoons only came on a few hours in the weekday afternoon and Saturday mornings. To think we were so deprived.
[16] - That's a bit of an understatement, but that's a post for another day.
[17] - Actually it's possible the film was in black and white and that my mind has filled in details that weren't there, but that's memory for you.
[18] - I'm a father of two boys. That has been beaten before and will surely get beaten again.
As a general rule, hot dogs are awesome. [2]
Actually, as any kind of rule, general, specific, major or corporal, hot dogs are awesome.
I like them with various and sundry toppings and I like them plain. I like the kosher ones that have that bit of twang to them and I like the plain old non-kosher kind. I like them made of beef, pork or made of whatever combination of bits of meat leftovers go into making the really cheap kind.
Simply put, hot dogs is good eating.
I'm not really sure why they are called hot dogs. I get the hot part [3], but why the dog? Gut reaction says perhaps it has something to do with Dachshunds, also known as wiener dogs, but then again I also think they are called wiener dogs because they look like hot dogs. Thus they can't both be named after each other. [4]
Hang on, I'll check the interweb . . . grumble grumble . . . the things I do . . . [searching].
So it appears they were originally called Dachshund sausages and in 1901 a fellow making a cartoon about them being sold at the New York Polo Grounds couldn't figure out how to spell Hot Dachshund Sausages[5], so he just wrote Hot Dogs. In other words, he was too lazy to do a little research [6] and thereby changed the course of history.
I like hot dogs enough that I did some consumer research a few years back and tried nearly every kind I could get my hands on. For my taste, you can do no finer than the plain Publix brand hot dogs.
Believe me, I was doubtful at first too, but my research says you can waste your money buying expensive all-beef high falootin [7] dogs that don't taste as good or you can save some cash and get what tastes best. [8]
If you want to blow your diet and eat your entire calorie and fat intake for the day, you can get these giant hot dogs from Sam's [9] that are made by "Best". [10] They aren't foot long dogs, but they are easily the size of three or four regular dogs put together and they are awesome.
As much as I love hot dogs, I usually don't order them when I go out to eat. Mainly because I always feel like they should be priced cheaper. At any rate, that means I don't really have a hot dog restaurant recommendation for you.
I've had them at Five Guys and at Quik Trip and both are plenty good. But if you are at Five Guys and not getting a burger, you've kind of failed. And if you're at Quik Trip and surfing the rolling grillers for grub [11], there are other more tasty things to buy [12] I also recently had one in the Magic Kingdom at Casey's Corner, if you care enough you can see my review of that here.
If anyone knows of an amazingly awesome hot dog eatery, please let me know. But before someone mentions this one, I know of Brandi's but have somehow managed to fail at eating there. Perhaps I'll go there tomorrow to celebrate the holiday. [13]
Though, if you want to save a buck, "like" Quik Trip on Face Book and search through their posts from today. They will email you a coupon for a free hot dog that is good tomorrow only. And just in case you haven't been in a QT recently, they have a "hot dog bar" where you can put all kinds of stuff on your dog. [14]
Whenever I think about hot dogs and there composition of potentially mystery meat, I always think of this anecdote from my younger days. So I'll leave you with it.
My younger and brother and I would often rush home from school to watch some afternoon cartoons. [15] On one day we were channel surfing looking for something to watch and we stumbled on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. I've never been a huge fan of the show [16] but as it happens it was just at the point of this episode where the bicycle delivery guy was delivering a movie. So, we stopped surfing to watch.
The film was about how hot dogs were made. In retrospect, I have no idea how any sane TV producer thought this was a good idea. The film showed them grinding up meat into a pink paste that more than resembled off-color Pepto.[17] Then it showed a automated system where limp hot dog casings were squirted full of the stuff. It was perhaps they most disgusting thing I'd ever seen up to that time in my life. [18] It literally made your skin crawl.
Well the film ended and my brother and I sat in disturbed silence contemplating what we'd seen. After a moment he broke the silence by saying, "I'm never eating another hot dog again." I pondered for a moment and then replied, "Meh, I love hot dogs too much."
Hot Dogs: A+
[1] - July 23 to be specific. Which may in fact be today, yesterday or some time in the past for you. If you follow the instructions on the right side of the page on how to follow this blog, you could get notified the instant there is a new post. And honestly, wouldn't that be better?
[2] - You might think that having given you my opinion, this post would essentially be over. I think we both know that's not gonna happen.
[3] - Though for the record, cold hot dogs are might tasty too.
[4] - Barring some sort of incident involving a time machine that is.
[5] - God bless spell check.
[6] - Why does that sound familiar?
[7] - Technical term.
[8] - In my opinion anyway.
[9] - And possibly other similar stores
[10] - Honestly I forget the exact name of the hot dogs, just look for the retardedly large ones made by the company "Best".
[11] - Have you stooped so low?
[12] - Buffalo Chicken Rollers and the Jalapeno Sausage to name two. Clearly, I have stooped.
[13] - Such as it is.
[14] - Sonic is also having a hot dog sale tomorrow. $1 each for some (but not all) of their dogs.
[15] - Back in the days when cartoons only came on a few hours in the weekday afternoon and Saturday mornings. To think we were so deprived.
[16] - That's a bit of an understatement, but that's a post for another day.
[17] - Actually it's possible the film was in black and white and that my mind has filled in details that weren't there, but that's memory for you.
[18] - I'm a father of two boys. That has been beaten before and will surely get beaten again.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Orange Juice
Orange Juice: I like orange juice. Anyone who sees me in the morning on a regular basis can tell you that I drink it nearly every day. And I don't have one brand that I am sworn to defend with a fiery passion. [1] Mostly I just buy whatever type is on sale. [2]
The thing about orange juice that I find so odd is how different it all tastes. There must be thirty different brands of OJ available for sale and every one of them tastes different. And they all claim to be made from 100% orange juice [3]. So you might think they would all taste the same.
But they don't.
I assume this must be because they are made from various types of oranges. My question then is why don't they advertise this? They try to make everything else about the juice such a big deal, why not the type of orange?
The thing is, I bet most people can name two, maybe three types of oranges. Give it a shot. I'll wait.
[Idle humming.]
Let's see, you named Valencia and Navel and that's it. [4] For the record your other options are Moro (or Blood) and Cara Cara. Except the thing is that Cara Cara's are just a type of navel orange that is a little pinker inside. [5]
Anyway, that's nearly my point. If I'm Sunkist, Simply Orange or Nature's Own[6], I'm clearly not winning any market share by hyping how fast I'm getting the oranges from the tree to your juice glass. [7] I need something to set my product apart from the rest. That's when I start saying my juice is made with "Nature's Goddess" oranges. Or maybe "Divine Nectar" oranges. [8]
The things is, and I'm 100% guessing here. I bet they can't say that because the orange juice they are making probably comes from 100 different groves scattered around the country or state during the year and some of them are supplementing with oranges from groves scattered around the world in the off season.
Which brings me back to my original point. If all that is true, how do they all manage to taste so different? Or does 100% not actually mean what it used to?
Also, as long as I'm ranting, [9] What's with all the random sub-varieties? Tropicana's website boast 14 varieties of orange juice. Fourteen varieties! Who needs this much selection in their orange juice?
Let's see among other choices there's, low pulp, no pulp, high pulp [10], and extra Calcium and Vitamin D. What's that all about anyway? It's like orange juice realized it had a lock on the Vitamin C market and decided it needed to branch out. Milk was taking a hit with all of the lactose intolerance out there, so OJ decided to muscle in on its territory.
Finally, I'd like to end by bringing back to mind this product:
Donald Duck Orange Juice.
That's right, Donald has his own brand of juice. It's been around forever and somehow survives selling orange juice that still comes in a tiny can. Why Donald Duck exactly? Got me. I mean, nothing says refreshing breakfast drink to me like a duck with no pants. Am I right?
Orange Juice: A-
[1] - If we were talking cereal that would be another matter altogether.
[2] - And since lately we shop a lot at Aldi, that means Aldi brand.
[3] - Possibly from concentrate.
[4] - Florida and Sunkist, while in the realm of things "orange" are not actually types of oranges. And to the person who said grapefruit, you aren't even trying.
[5] - It seems I know a bit too much about oranges.
[6] - Maybe that's actually a bread company but whatever.
[7] - Because nothing makes me thirstier than the image of a dirty work gloves manhandling an orange juice box.
[8] - Before you mock too hard, I invite you to do some research on "Rich Corinthian Leather".
[9] - And I think I now am.
[10] - For people who like to chew their morning beverage.
The thing about orange juice that I find so odd is how different it all tastes. There must be thirty different brands of OJ available for sale and every one of them tastes different. And they all claim to be made from 100% orange juice [3]. So you might think they would all taste the same.
But they don't.
I assume this must be because they are made from various types of oranges. My question then is why don't they advertise this? They try to make everything else about the juice such a big deal, why not the type of orange?
The thing is, I bet most people can name two, maybe three types of oranges. Give it a shot. I'll wait.
[Idle humming.]
Let's see, you named Valencia and Navel and that's it. [4] For the record your other options are Moro (or Blood) and Cara Cara. Except the thing is that Cara Cara's are just a type of navel orange that is a little pinker inside. [5]
Anyway, that's nearly my point. If I'm Sunkist, Simply Orange or Nature's Own[6], I'm clearly not winning any market share by hyping how fast I'm getting the oranges from the tree to your juice glass. [7] I need something to set my product apart from the rest. That's when I start saying my juice is made with "Nature's Goddess" oranges. Or maybe "Divine Nectar" oranges. [8]
The things is, and I'm 100% guessing here. I bet they can't say that because the orange juice they are making probably comes from 100 different groves scattered around the country or state during the year and some of them are supplementing with oranges from groves scattered around the world in the off season.
Which brings me back to my original point. If all that is true, how do they all manage to taste so different? Or does 100% not actually mean what it used to?
Also, as long as I'm ranting, [9] What's with all the random sub-varieties? Tropicana's website boast 14 varieties of orange juice. Fourteen varieties! Who needs this much selection in their orange juice?
Let's see among other choices there's, low pulp, no pulp, high pulp [10], and extra Calcium and Vitamin D. What's that all about anyway? It's like orange juice realized it had a lock on the Vitamin C market and decided it needed to branch out. Milk was taking a hit with all of the lactose intolerance out there, so OJ decided to muscle in on its territory.
Finally, I'd like to end by bringing back to mind this product:
Donald Duck Orange Juice.
That's right, Donald has his own brand of juice. It's been around forever and somehow survives selling orange juice that still comes in a tiny can. Why Donald Duck exactly? Got me. I mean, nothing says refreshing breakfast drink to me like a duck with no pants. Am I right?
Orange Juice: A-
[1] - If we were talking cereal that would be another matter altogether.
[2] - And since lately we shop a lot at Aldi, that means Aldi brand.
[3] - Possibly from concentrate.
[4] - Florida and Sunkist, while in the realm of things "orange" are not actually types of oranges. And to the person who said grapefruit, you aren't even trying.
[5] - It seems I know a bit too much about oranges.
[6] - Maybe that's actually a bread company but whatever.
[7] - Because nothing makes me thirstier than the image of a dirty work gloves manhandling an orange juice box.
[8] - Before you mock too hard, I invite you to do some research on "Rich Corinthian Leather".
[9] - And I think I now am.
[10] - For people who like to chew their morning beverage.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Finding a Literary Agent
Finding a Literary Agent: So I've written a book. [1] And unless I am kidding myself and the people who were nice enough to proof read for me were all lying to me, it's a pretty good book. [2] Of course, I didn't spend a huge amount of time writing and rewriting the book to just have half a dozen people read it. I would love to get it published.
At this point then, I have three options.
Option 1 is to try and directly contact and convince a publisher to publish it. If this were an easy thing to do, there wouldn't be literary agents.
Option 2 is to self-publish. I have not totally given up on this idea, but from what I have read, it seems to me this is akin to a last desperate measure and that self-publishing is essentially accepting that your book will never be published any other way. [3]
Option 3 is to find a literary agent.
One might think that this cannot be that hard of a task. And I guess as I've stated it, it really isn't. Let me clarify a bit.
Option 3 is to find a literary agent who is willing to represent you.
Those extra six words representing the stickiest of wickets. Because it is easy to find literary agents. There are literally books and books listing them. There are websites [4] listing hordes of agents and how to contact them and what they are looking for [5] and they all have discussion boards where you can read about someone's desperate attempts to find a valid email address for the J. Q. Smith & Associates Literary Agency and does anyone know for sure that they aren't out of business.
Oh but finding an agent willing to take some time to even give your manuscript [6] a decent look over is like finding a four leaf clover. [7]
One of the biggest issues is the "Query Letter". With one exception every agent I have solicited or even thought about soliciting is asking for a query letter. This is basically a one page letter in which you have to summarize what your book is about and who you are and what writing accomplishments you have to your name. But you have to do it in such a way that your query letter stands out from the other six thousand query letters the agency also received . . . today. [8]
Here's the problem with that. That's not my forte. If I were good at saying things in short, brief, one page letters that made the story [9] sound amazing, I wouldn't be writing several hundred page novels. It's not in my skill set. It's probably not in most authors skill sets. And I can say this with some assurance because there are literally dozens of books and websites our there just about how to write the perfect query letter.
But even if I could dedicate myself to becoming able to write the best query letter in the universe, the truth of the matter is, I don't want to. I don't want to learn how to make myself sound amazingly awesome-er than I really am. I don't want to learn how to sell myself and my book [10] like I'm trying to convince someone to buy a used car. I want to write great books. I want to write stories [11] that make people forget their own lives for a few minutes and when they finish say, "Hey, that was pretty good" and maybe even, "I wonder what else this guy has written."
Of course right now nobody is going to be able to say even that because I lack the perfect query letter. To be honest, I'm not sure I'd want to read something by somebody who could write the perfect query letter. I think I've seen that before. It was the pamphlet lying on the table when that company was trying to browbeat us into buying into that vacation time share. [12]
And so every few days, I dutifully spend an hour or so of my time tearing out another small piece of my soul and attaching it to a query letter and if I'm lucky the first three chapters or thirty pages of my manuscript [13] and I send them off either electronically [14] or by snail mail and you hope that one day someone might just say more to you than:
Thank you so much for your interest in [Name of Literary Agency]. While your project has much merit, I'm afraid I don't feel strongly enough to take it on in this tough marketplace. I wish you the best in placing it elsewhere. [15]
Of course I should probably be thankful I got that. Most of them don't respond to you at all.
Maybe I'll go online and see if anyone else has gotten a response from J. Q. Smith and Associates.
Or better yet, maybe I could better spend my time writing a book.
Finding a Literary Agent: D
[1] - Technically at this point I have written three books and, depending on how you figure such things, either a novella or a long short story.
[2] - Granted some of those proofreaders were related to me by blood or marriage, but others weren't.
[3] - The picture of whatever self-published person Amazon is hyping on their home screen notwithstanding.
[4] - Plural.
[5] - Supposedly.
[6] - Technical term. Nobody is looking for books, they all want manuscripts.
[7] - In the Sahara.
[8] - Granted 6,000 is just my estimation, but based upon the websites and books and upon the rejection letters I've received, this is, if anything, a conservative number.
[9] - And myself
[10] - Oops sorry, I meant manuscript.
[11] - That are longer than just one page.
[12] - And yes, I was totally just there to get free tickets to Disney World.
[13] - Not that I believe anyone actually reads them.
[14] - For faster more efficient rejection.
[15] - With the exception of removing the name of the agency, that is a direct quote of a complete, and I'm sure heartfelt, rejection.
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