Birthday Cake

Birthday Cake:  I went to my niece's birthday party today and it got me thinking about Birthday Cake.  This is the dessert that is supposed to be the piece d'resistance of the birthday celebration.  The culmination of a party full of activities.  The final capstone of the event.  And yet generally speaking birthday cakes are, simply put, bad.

Here are the usual suspects in the birthday cake line-up of offenders:

Sheet Cake of Doom: This was usually bought from a grocery store bakery.  The cake itself is totally unremarkable and forgettable.  In fact, if you stop right now and try to think about what the last giant sheet cake you ate tasted like, I suspect the answer you'll come up with is "????" [1]  It has a thin layer of icing on it that also tastes like nothing.  Of course this monstrosity has two big upsides.  The first is that it is large enough to play a decent game of football on and will feed 900.  The second is that the store will gladly air brushed your tot's favorite TV or movie character on it. [2]

Mount Icing: The cake part of this one could taste fine, it could be great or it could be horrible.  You will never know because it is buried under enough sugar icing to send Paula Deen into a coma.  The cake to frosting ratio is roughly: 1 to infinity.  Unfortunately the icing doesn't taste like anything except sugar.  And because there wasn't enough on it already, it is adorned with letters made of clear colored icing with the textural consistency of snot and the flavor of more sugar. [3]

Ridiculously Expensive Boutique Cake: Whoever paid for this one will be sure to mention where they got it about 60 times.  Of course, you've never heard of the place so even if you are paying attention it won't matter.  It's covered in fondant that is probably adorned with icing flowers, edible beads [4] and other overly fancy decorations.  However while it may be beautiful and look like the cover of a magazine, it has the flavor of the inside of that same magazine.  Also it is as dry as the Sahara.  People will line up for cake, but will rapidly disappear like a David Copperfield  trick [5] once they see the faces of the lucky people who were first in line. [6]

Ridiculously Expensive Boutique Cake That is Overcompensating for the Mistakes of the Previous Cake:  This cake looks exactly like the previous cake except that the cook evidently soaked the inside in a flavorless liquid.  Taking a forkful is akin to biting down on a damp sponge. [7]

The Ice Cream Cake: This cake attempts to wow you by taking out of your hands the presumably tricky game day decision of "do you want cake, ice cream or both?"  Hopefully the purchaser of this delight picked flavors you can at least stand. [8]  But you actually don't have to worry, because regardless of what flavors they say it is, the end result is relatively flavorless ice cream on completely flavorless cake.  If your lucky there are some Oreos crumbled between to two layers so you can discern the difference.  As an added bonus, the cake starts out extra dense so the ice cream doesn't melt straight into it and then the whole thing was put in the freezer for the last 48 hours.  Result?  It's all hard as a brick and requires a chain saw to cut.

The Tasty Cake: This is a myth and doesn't exist.  You may think you remember once having a delicious cake at your cousin Lucy's 14th birthday, but it's really a fantasy you keep in the corner of your mind to keep hope alive.

There are other cake miscreants out there that I haven't mentioned [9] but I believe I've covered the main offenders.  And you can get cakes that aren't bad, but they aren't the great birthday finale that you want either.  For the record when my birthday comes around and the Pook asks what dessert I want, I usually go with non-cake choices.  To me there's something more special about a Cannoli or Seven Layer Dessert than yet another entry in the faceless parade of bad birthday cakes.

Birthday Cake: C-

[1] - Meaning, "I can't remember."
[2] - So you are trading off flavor for being able to argue over who gets to eat Superman's face.
[3] - Later all anyone will remember of this cake is the spelling errors.  "Hapy Birtday. Dog."
[4] - That are "not food".
[5] - But with less smoke and scantily dressed women.
[6] - If you are serving this one, expect to end the party with a lot of uneaten cake or a lot of full dessert plates hidden around your house.
[7] - Depending on what you used the sponge to wipe up, the sponge probably has more flavor.
[8] - What?  Everyone loves Pistachio Ice Cream with German Chocolate cake.
[9] - Like the one with the strawberries or cherries on top that are covered in a syrup evidently made out of Vicks 44D.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Book & Movie)

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Book & Movie):  Stieg Larsson is the Swedish author who wrote the novel and its two sequels.  If you are anxiously awaiting his next novel, you're going to have a long wait. [1]  Hopefully something that you did know is that in 2012 they made a movie out of the novel.  The movie starred Daniel Craig. [2]  The novel starred whoever you pictured in your mind as the lead character.  Since I saw the movie before I read the book, Daniel Craig got the spot by default.

For the movie, the screenwriter stuck very close to the source material.  Which isn't always true. [3]  Which means that every scene in the movie is nearly identical to the same scene in the book.  [4]  What it doesn't mean is that everything that happened in the book is portrayed in the movie.  Large swaths of material [5] are left out of the movie.  But the movie doesn't suffer too badly for it as long as you are fine with missing out on a lot of the motivation and inner thoughts of the characters. [6] Also the bulk of the story line surrounding Blomkvist's trial and what happens later is completely missing.  Which is understandable as keeping it in would have made the movie twice as long.

Of course they could have saved some time by not expanding on the scene in which Salander beats up her social worker. [7]  Watching that scene in the movie just made me cringe.  When I started to get close to that part in the book, I was mentally gearing myself up for the worst, but the book was completely tame in comparison.

I must also admit that in the movie there were a couple of times in which several minutes were devoted to showing us all of the pictures that Blomkvist was sorting through.  I had no real problem with the pictures themselves, I just wish it had been a bit clearer what it was we were looking for.  The book does a much better job of that.

I'm looking forward to reading the second book in the trilogy and I believe that they are making a movie out of that as well . . . checking the Interweb . . . confirmed, but no dates mentioned as of yet.  I will probably try to see the movie when it comes out.  [8]

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo [Book] - A
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo [Movie] - B [9]

[1] - He's dead.
[2] - Yes, he's current James Bond.  Yes, he totally did jump out of a helicopter with the Queen of England during the Olympics. That really happened.
[3] - Lawnmower Man and Running Man to name two off of the top of my head.
[4] - Unless of course you have an over active imagination, in which case all bets are off.
[5] - Could make a really big dress.
[6] - Long scenes of people thinking don't make good cinema
[7] - Granted he had it coming.
[8] - I suspect the Pook will not as she found the first to be too off putting.
[9] - Yeah, I didn't need to see all that.

Ham Steak

[Full disclosure: This one is by request.  Not sure why the Pook thinks I should grade this, but here you go.]

Ham Steak: In case you aren't sure what a ham steak is, it's a giant slab of ham that typically has a small bone in the shape of an "O" just off center.  If that doesn't bring anything to mind, when you get ham with a breakfast plate, it's typically a smaller piece of the giant ham steak whole.  If that still doesn't clue you in to what we are talking about, look at the bottom of this post at the link to the Amazon page where you can buy one.[1]

Given that much of what comes from a pig is so very, very good (bacon and sausage to name the main two [2]), you would think that ham steaks would be right up there at the top with them.

You would be wrong.

I totally agree that it sounds like a winner.  Large piece of pork, typically fried up in a skillet in the same method that makes the previously mentioned bacon and sausage oh so yummy.  Only there's a disconnect somewhere along the way that leaves ham steak falling well short of the gastronomical Utopia achieved by its culinary cousins.

The taste isn't awful or anything.  It's really just kind of salty.  In fact, the number one adjective you can honestly apply to ham steaks is just that.  Salty.  A drink lots of water and still be ready to realize about an hour after you've eaten that your mouth is a desert kind of salty.

Which would again make you think that I'd really go for ham steak as I am usually all for the salty.  But it's a no-go in this case.

In truth I really think the problem is the lack of fat.  Bacon and sausage are awash in the stuff [3] and while a ham steak does have a few streaks of white goodness running through it, it just doesn't compare.

Some restaurants will attempt to bring a dish up a notch by including an enhancer of some sort.  Typically for ham steak this is 'red eye gravy'.

Red eye gravy?

What kind of name is that?

Further, why is it called that?

It is a little red, but I don't know what it has to do with eyes and the fact of the matter is that if it does actually have something to do with eyes, I don't wanna know.

Also it's the sad type of gravy.  The dark runny type that could just as easily be called au jus and have you dunking a sandwich in it.  Which is probably what you should do because it certainly isn't going to stick to a ham steak in any kind of a satisfactory fashion.

The best part of a ham steak is actually the marrow.  This is the small dollop of stuff that is sitting in the middle of the little circular bone that I mentioned earlier.  It's actually pretty tasty, but I suspect that it's probably really bad for you.  Which really brings it right up to the level of bacon and sausage.

Ham Steak: C

[1] - Or Six as it happens.
[2] - Or really the only two.
[3] - And it's good!

No They Can't

No, They Can't: Why Government Fails-But Individuals Succeed:  As mentioned in a previous blog, I had the pleasure of meeting John Stossel last year.  Since he was nice enough to come and talk at a public school, I figured I would be nice enough to buy his book.[1]

If you've seen much of Stossel's previous work on ABC and his current work on Fox then you've already read this book.  It isn't anything that he hasn't said before many times.  The gist of it is simply that the cumbersomeness of government makes it ill suited to handle most of life's problems in any type of an efficient way and that the framers of the Constitution never intended the government to handle them anyway.

And as I've said before, he's got a pretty good point.  Government (any bureaucracy really) is inherently inefficient.  I don't think there are too many people out there who really believe otherwise.[2]  Throughout the book's thirteen chapters he reiterates this point over and over.

Stossel's solution is free enterprise.  In other words, government get out of the way and let the market handle it.  There's no need for an inefficient government to try and duplicate the success that the market creates on a daily basis.

Okay, so enough with the nice-nice.  What you really want to hear is what's wrong with the book.

The first thing I always think about when I hear somebody say something along the lines of, "that's not what the framers of the Constitution intended" is 'perhaps but then again the framers of the Constitution aren't here.'  In other words, maybe we can figure out what they were thinking back then, but we're not back then.  We're here in the present.  In a world that is so different from back then, I think if Thomas Jefferson were to suddenly be transported to the present day he'd declare a lot more than independence, if you get my drift.[3]  Once he'd calmed down and had a few things explained I suspect even he would say that some [4] of the ideas from the Constitution might need to be adjusted for the modern world.

If we are willing to except that, then the question simply becomes determining which things the government should be doing and which it shouldn't.

The other big problem I have with the book is the chapter on the war on drugs.  If you are willing to accept Stossel's assumptions then his points are valid and correct.  However, I don't accept them.  I agree that the war on drugs is a failure, but I don't agree that we should just give up or that we never should have started in the first place.

Finally, the book starts out [5] on a fairly positive note.  It essentially was saying, here's some issues and here are some solutions.  Perhaps we should look at them and at the least have a discussion about them.  The book basically ended on a note that was saying, 'things will never get fixed, so we're all doomed.' [6]  If you want to get people on your side of an argument, making them feel like the whole thing is pointless isn't the way to do it.

No They Can't: B-

[1] - And get him to sign it of course.
[2] - Okay there are plenty of people who might think that they believe otherwise, but there aren't too many who would believe that if they've dealt with or worked for the government on any kind of regular basis.
[3] - If you didn't, I meant he'd say a few choice words in his astonishment and perhaps wet his pants.
[4] - Not all or even nearly all, but some.
[5] - Or at least for me it seemed to start out
[6] - Of course his last chapter was about the skyrocketing debt problem, so it's hard to not get a bit depressed.

 

Chicken

Chicken: How do we eat thee? Let me count the ways . . . actually let's not because I don't have all week.  Perhaps a better way to ask it is, are there any ways that we don't eat chicken?[1]  And for that matter why do we eat chicken so many different ways?

Well if you were an alien staring down at us you might think it's because it taste super yummy, but you'd be wrong.  Think about it.  What does chicken taste like?  I'll tell you what it tastes like, it tastes like nothing.  It's nearly flavorless.

But that's okay!  It's chicken's non-flavor that makes it so great.  Because whatever flavor you like best, it's no problem getting your chicken to taste that way.  Chicken is the ultimate empty palate of the cooking world.

Of course the other great thing about chicken is that it comes from a quickly renewed source.  Did you know it only takes about six weeks to go from egg to tastiness on a plate?  Only six tiny weeks.  What else can you grow to full size in six weeks?  Not much at least as far as meat is concerned.[2]

And now to offend the animal rights people.

Some people say that it's horrible that we breed chickens in tiny cages and then mercilessly slaughter them and then cook them and eat them.[3]  I freely admit that I'm no chicken expert.[4]  But a quick check on the Internet will probably confirm . . . hang on . . . yep they got brains the size of a lima bean.  Which basically means they aren't likely to form a coalition any time soon.  Neither are they likely to care that they don't get to wander around much.  That time wandering around mostly being sent in a biologically driven constant hunt for food and trying to avoid getting eaten.[5]  Especially since, in their cage they get to lay on their butts as the food comes down a chute directly to them.  I'm pretty sure I could name five or six people who would sign up for that life in a heart beat.

Of course there are free range chickens.  In case you don't know what these are they are chickens who have the privilege of living in a place where the door to their coop is left open so that they can freely wander around to their heart's content.  If you ever go to such a place you're likely to see a bunch of chickens sitting around in a chicken coop.  Turns out that even free range chickens don't care for the wandering around so much.[6]

Anyway back to my original point.  Chicken!  Fry it. Roast it. Slice it. Chop it. Shred it. Make it spicy.  Make it sweet.  Make it crunchy on the outside or not.  Serve it over rice or between bread.  Stuff it with bread or cheese and ham.  Make a soup. Make a casserole.  Make a pot pie.  But whatever you do, make no mistake it can be as tasty as you want it to be.

Chicken: B-

[1] - Besides raw, I'm going to guess the answer is no.
[2] - That mold in your fridge doesn't count.
[3] - Which you have to admit is better than not killing them before you cook them.  Just ask a lobster.
[4] - I don't know nothing 'bout breedin' chickens.
[5] - By predators like a fox who aren't so particular about the killing before eating part.
[6] - Maybe someone should form a coalition to get them better educated.

Prolonging the Magic

Prolonging the Magic: This is an album by the band Cake.  You remember Cake, they had a big hit with The Distance [1] off of their Fashion Nugget album.  Except that wasn't Cake.  I mean it was Cake that put out the album and sang the song, but it wasn't really Cake.  For that album they got a new producer or somesuch that totally "redesigned" the band to make them more marketable.  The result was The Distance and while it did well on the charts and all that, it made Cake into not Cake.[2] Prolonging the Magic is the album after that where Cake said 'forget that nonsense we're going to be Cake and not not Cake.'[3]

This is a great album.  They've really hit the stride they were trying to find in their first album and were forced to partially move away from in their second.  It's got all of the goodness you expect from Cake: sarcastic lyrics delivered in a serious voice, obscure references scattered throughout, trumpets scattered throughout and the band using everything that they can think of as a musical instrument.[4]

Some of my favorite songs off of the album are Sheep Go to Heaven, Cool Blue Reason, When You Sleep and even Satan is Motor.  If you want to give yourself a chuckle surf around the various 'lyrics meanings'   websites and see what people say this song is about.  On one sight there were about twenty different explanations, each one containing a section in which the erstwhile explainer politely apologizes to all of the previous posts about correcting them for how wrong the previous explanations were and how right theirs is.[5]

Also there's a pig on the CD cover.  That's got to be worth some positive points.

Prolonging the Magic: A






[1] - He's going the distance.  He's going for speed.  He's all alone (all alone) in his time of need.
[2] - What?  Are you confused?
[3] - Except that they didn't literally say that, but it would have been cool if they had.
[4] - I sometimes think the band tried to be a part of Stomp but got rejected for using things for instruments that were just too weird.
[5] - fwiw I am not 100% sure what it means but I do know that McCrea (the song writer) has emphatically stated that it is not a satanic song.  Personally I think it's just saying that we can dress ourselves up in shiny clothes and look nice, but were all base impulses on the inside.

Bubble Witch Saga

Bubble Witch Saga: I used to play a fair number of games on Facebook.[1]  But after the initial fun wears off, they get kind of tedious.[2]  When I realized how much time I was spending playing these things I quit and suddenly had time to waste starting a blog.[3]

Fast forward to a few months ago.  I'm sitting around bored with a few minutes on my hands and none of my Words With Friends games need me to continue dominating my opponents.  So, I decided to see what new nonsense FB had to offer.

Enter Bubble Witch Saga.

Ostensibly you are trying to help these witches get rid of the baddies, but it's really just a bubble shooting game.  You shoot up the screen trying to match colors to pop bubbles and get the board cleared.  There's nothing new about the concept[4] but BWS has added a few things.

The benign things are that they've added trickier bubbles in later boards.  Like bombs that explode if you don't get them off of the board fast enough or skull bubbles that cause you to lose a life if you shoot them at all. And these virus bubbles that infect everything and make you crazy.

The completely evil things they've added are that they've made it into a money generating monster.  You can buy potions that help you a minor amount with in-game coins, but they also have bunches of stuff that you can buy with real cash.[5]

If you run out of bubbles on a level you can buy ten more for 30 cents.  And that's part of the genius of their evil scheme.  Thirty cents is nothing!  I can just picture some sucker making that purchase over and over because it is such a small amount.  Of course at the end of the month you get your credit card bill and see that you've somehow blown $330 on imaginary bubbles.

Of course if you've got a sizable amount of money that you feel like blowing you can buy one of the charms.  There are at least 14 of these things.  I'm on level 85 and I've opened up that many and I'm sure there's more out there to be revealed.  There's one that adds three to the max number of lives you have and it costs a mere $9.90.  Another let's you see the next three balls that are coming into play instead of only seeing the next two.  That one will run you $12.90.

Are you kidding me?  If anyone reading this blog has actually been stupid enough to buy any of them, please call me immediately.  I have a bridge and a swamp to sell you.

But the award winner is the Charm of Immortality.  This will give you unlimited lives for a mere $79.90.

$79.90!

Please, please, please, please tell me that nobody has actually bought that.  They have to be kidding right?

If there is anyone out there that's bought it, please send me your address I need to come and slap you.[6]

Anyway, if you haven't guessed I'm addicted to playing the game.  Fortunately you run out of lives fairly quickly so it doesn't really take up much of my time.  Despite my lack of cash funded bonuses I've managed to get pretty far with just the free stuff.  Now if I can just come up with a game to milk suckers out of their money.  Maybe something about clicking a cow.

Bubble Witch Saga [The Game]: B
Bubble Witch Saga [The Scheme to Soak the Feebleminded of their Cash]: A+ [7]

[1] - Yes, it was me spamming you asking for some bricks to finish my hen house.
[2] - Sure, this time I'm collecting Terra Cotta Bricks and not just normal bricks, but in the end it's all just a bunch of clicking.
[3] - jk, I stopped playing FB games long before I started wasting time on a blog.
[4] - Snood players you can gloat about being there first if you'd like.
[5] - Let me be up front and say that I have not nor will I ever actually be dumb enough to spend money on something as stupid as this, but I can certainly image people who are.
[6] - You can press charges if you want, but when the judge finds out they'll just dismiss the charges and slap you themself.
[7] - An evil, evil, evil A+, but an A+ nonetheless.