Monday, July 22, 2013

Hot Dogs

Hot Dogs: As I am writing this, tomorrow is national hot dog day [1], so I thought I would give you my opinions about hot dogs.

As a general rule, hot dogs are awesome. [2]

Actually, as any kind of rule, general, specific, major or corporal, hot dogs are awesome.

I like them with various and sundry toppings and I like them plain.  I like the kosher ones that have that bit of twang to them and I like the plain old non-kosher kind.  I like them made of beef, pork or made of whatever combination of bits of meat leftovers go into making the really cheap kind.

Simply put, hot dogs is good eating.

I'm not really sure why they are called hot dogs.  I get the hot part [3], but why the dog?  Gut reaction says perhaps it has something to do with Dachshunds, also known as wiener dogs, but then again I also think they are called wiener dogs because they look like hot dogs.  Thus they can't both be named after each other. [4]

Hang on, I'll check the interweb . . . grumble grumble . . . the things I do . . . [searching].

So it appears they were originally called Dachshund sausages and in 1901 a fellow making a cartoon about them being sold at the New York Polo Grounds couldn't figure out how to spell Hot Dachshund Sausages[5], so he just wrote Hot Dogs.  In other words, he was too lazy to do a little research [6] and thereby changed the course of history.

I like hot dogs enough that I did some consumer research a few years back and tried nearly every kind I could get my hands on.  For my taste, you can do no finer than the plain Publix brand hot dogs.
Believe me, I was doubtful at first too, but my research says you can waste your money buying expensive all-beef high falootin [7] dogs that don't taste as good or you can save some cash and get what tastes best. [8]

If you want to blow your diet and eat your entire calorie and fat intake for the day, you can get these giant hot dogs from Sam's [9] that are made by "Best". [10]  They aren't foot long dogs, but they are easily the size of three or four regular dogs put together and they are awesome.

As much as I love hot dogs, I usually don't order them when I go out to eat.  Mainly because I always feel like they should be priced cheaper.  At any rate, that means I don't really have a hot dog restaurant recommendation for you.

I've had them at Five Guys and at Quik Trip and both are plenty good.  But if you are at Five Guys and not getting a burger, you've kind of failed.  And if you're at Quik Trip and surfing the rolling grillers for grub [11], there are other more tasty things to buy [12]  I also recently had one in the Magic Kingdom at Casey's Corner, if you care enough you can see my review of that here.

If anyone knows of an amazingly awesome hot dog eatery, please let me know.  But before someone mentions this one, I know of Brandi's but have somehow managed to fail at eating there.  Perhaps I'll go there tomorrow to celebrate the holiday. [13]

Though, if you want to save a buck, "like" Quik Trip on Face Book and search through their posts from today.  They will email you a coupon for a free hot dog that is good tomorrow only.  And just in case you haven't been in a QT recently, they have a "hot dog bar" where you can put all kinds of stuff on your dog. [14]

Whenever I think about hot dogs and there composition of potentially mystery meat, I always think of this anecdote from my younger days.  So I'll leave you with it.

My younger and brother and I would often rush home from school to watch some afternoon cartoons. [15]  On one day we were channel surfing looking for something to watch and we stumbled on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.  I've never been a huge fan of the show [16] but as it happens it was just at the point of this episode where the bicycle delivery guy was delivering a movie.  So, we stopped surfing to watch.

The film was about how hot dogs were made.  In retrospect, I have no idea how any sane TV producer thought this was a good idea.  The film showed them grinding up meat into a pink paste that more than resembled off-color Pepto.[17]  Then it showed a automated system where limp hot dog casings were squirted full of the stuff.  It was perhaps they most disgusting thing I'd ever seen up to that time in my life. [18]  It literally made your skin crawl.

Well the film ended and my brother and I sat in disturbed silence contemplating what we'd seen.  After a moment he broke the silence by saying, "I'm never eating another hot dog again."  I pondered for a moment and then replied, "Meh, I love hot dogs too much."

Hot Dogs: A+

[1] - July 23 to be specific.  Which may in fact be today, yesterday or some time in the past for you.  If you follow the instructions on the right side of the page on how to follow this blog, you could get notified the instant there is a new post.  And honestly, wouldn't that be better?
[2] - You might think that having given you my opinion, this post would essentially be over.  I think we both know that's not gonna happen.
[3] - Though for the record, cold hot dogs are might tasty too.
[4] - Barring some sort of incident involving a time machine that is.
[5] - God bless spell check.
[6] - Why does that sound familiar?
[7] - Technical term.
[8] - In my opinion anyway.
[9] - And possibly other similar stores
[10] - Honestly I forget the exact name of the hot dogs, just look for the retardedly large ones made by the company "Best".
[11] - Have you stooped so low?
[12] - Buffalo Chicken Rollers and the Jalapeno Sausage to name two.  Clearly, I have stooped.
[13] - Such as it is.
[14] - Sonic is also having a hot dog sale tomorrow.  $1 each for some (but not all) of their dogs.
[15] - Back in the days when cartoons only came on a few hours in the weekday afternoon and Saturday mornings.  To think we were so deprived.
[16] - That's a bit of an understatement, but that's a post for another day.
[17] - Actually it's possible the film was in black and white and that my mind has filled in details that weren't there, but that's memory for you.
[18] - I'm a father of two boys.  That has been beaten before and will surely get beaten again.

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