Alien Resurrection (2003 Edition)

Alien Resurrection (2003 Edition):

There were five years between Alien 3 and this film.  The special effects took another jump forward. The plot took a huge leap backwards. [1]

The movie is in no way scary.  There was not one single time during the entire film that I felt the least twinge of fright. [2]

Honestly, I could go on and on about the things that sucked in this movie, but I'll spare you.

Just trust me.

Fine, you don't trust me.  Here are three of the many reasons you should trust me when I tell you this movie is bad.

The actors: we've got Warrick from CSI and Nick Tortelli from Cheers.

The acting [3]: Did I mention Tortelli from cheers?

The plot: Have you ever surfed around the net and found some film made by a second year theater major who wanted to make a movie using the names and ideas from his favorite group of books or movies, but he couldn't because the studio would sue him?  So instead he changes all of the names and places and things just enough to avoid getting sued.  And as you are watching this film, in whatever backwater of the web you found it in, you think, "Well, it's not so bad given where it's come from."

Well I imagine that is what happened with this movie.  Only the studio, instead of suing for copyright infringement, gave them several million for special effects [4]

If you somehow end up watching this movie and you're getting close to the end and you think, "Well, it wasn't that bad."  Just wait until you get to see Ripley and the Alien queen's love child.  You will regret the choices that brought you there. I do so declare.

The special 2003 edition is not changed from the original theater version.  At least that is what the director, Jean-Pierre Jeunet, says at the front of the movie.  Though he also says that he saw no reason to make a 'directors cut' because the movie shown in the theaters in '97 was the movie he wanted to make. [5]  Which given all of the other movies he's directed ought to mean it's gonna be good.  But it isn't. [6]

Alien Resurrection: D- [7]

[1] - There is clearly an inverse relationship between quality of spfx and quality of the movie when it comes to the Alien oeuvre.
[2] - Unless you count the disquiet I felt when about a half hour in I realized I was going to have to suffer through the rest of the pic.
[3] - Or should I say the over acting?
[4] - And for Weaver and Ryder.
[5] - Which I take to mean he's proud of it.
[6] - I wonder if he thought it was supposed to be a comedy? Amelie was a great movie.
[7] - Overall, the spfx are pretty good. That's got to count for something? Right?